


Affluenza

by wishyouweresober



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Basically Stockholm Syndrome, But it's not mentioned that much, Charles Lee Being a Dick, Depersonalization, Dissociation, Dubious Consent, EDNOS, Eating Disorder, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, Humiliation, Implied/Referenced Cheating, It probably will in the future bc i love pegzster so fuckin much holy moly, James Reynolds Being an Asshole, M/M, Nonbinary Marquis de Lafayette, Other, Past James Reynolds/Maria Reynolds, Peer Pressure, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recovery, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Abuse, Suicide mention, Trans Female Character, Trans Peggy Schuyler, Transphobia, Underage Drinking, Why do I torture Alex, depersonalization!!!!, i already have chapter 2 written ahhhh im kinda in love with writing this, i'd say at least bc its not on purpose, like once, ok but alex is rlly manipulated in this like im not kidding its literally stockholm syndrome, seabury and alex r kinda friends, so slight eating disorder, suicidal idealation, well not literally but same concept, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:35:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 74,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23493328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishyouweresober/pseuds/wishyouweresober
Summary: "This isn’t healthy, he thought when he was let go and fell down to the floor, the tight grip leaving a remaining feeling. But when he looked up at the man’s bright blue eyes and dark locks, the only thoughts that filled his head was how much he fucking loved him. Even when the man in question sneered at the sight of his seemingly brain-dead eyes, the way tears slowly slipped down his face and yet the same unwavering lovesick and sickeningly manipulated look remained."-2 years and 3 months into Alexander's relationship with one Charles Lee, Charles' once sweet and loving words gave way to a new world of pain that Alexander wasn't quite sure he could handle. A shame, for sure, the ways in which he was still desperately in love with the same man who hurt him more than anyone had before.-MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING!!! Please don't read this if you're triggered by abusive relationships, sexual assault, violence, blood, bruises, eating disorders, depersonalization, to be updated
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton & Samuel Seabury, Alexander Hamilton/Charles Lee, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, George III of the United Kingdom/Samuel Seabury, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan, Maria Reynolds/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Thomas Jefferson/James Madison
Comments: 135
Kudos: 168





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi ok so plz comment if there's anything offensive/anything i should've mentioned in the trigger warning, or questions! ppl say my writing tends to be a bit all over the place and ramble-y.  
> enjoy!  
> and remember!!!  
> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING!!! Please don't read this if you're triggered by abusive relationships, sexual assault, violence, blood, bruises, and the like. Stay safe, I love you.  
> btw omg this was the first time i wrote a full story w/o writer's block in 2 years. it's 7:22 am i havent slept ok gonna go do that my head hurts 
> 
> i have chapter 2 written when should i publish

There was a long silence between them and then, “Would you kill someone for me?” He stared at the man holding him against the wall with a deep and look. There was a tight hand wrapped around his throat, a sharp and distinct pain where the man’s nails dug in.

Choking on his own breath, his eyes started to slip shut as he forced out, “ _Yes._ ”

_This isn’t healthy_ , he thought when he was let go and fell down to the floor, the tight grip leaving a remaining feeling. But when he looked up at the man’s bright blue eyes and dark locks, the only thoughts that filled his head was _how much he fucking loved him_. Even when the man in question sneered at the sight of his seemingly brain-dead eyes, the way tears slowly slipped down his face and yet the same unwavering lovesick and sickeningly manipulated look remained. 

“You’re fucking _sick_ , Alexander.”

Pity struck his unforgiving heart, grabbing the weaker boy with too rough hands and pulling his face to his and locking them together in a rough and disgustingly sweet kiss. The bruised boy melted in his arms, his tears flowing steadily and panting breaths being taken in as his lungs readjusted to being able to _breathe._

They’d been together, Alexander and Charles, for exactly 2 years and 3 months. Charles was so romantic, so wonderful in the beginning. He surprised him with dates, made sure Alexander felt safe where he was. With him. 

Eventually though, his sweet and charming words began to turn unapologetic and nasty, claiming that Alexander had done him wrong. Frustrated words at Alexander’s habits of going out to drink with friends too much- _specifically one John Laurens, who_ hated _Charles Lee since the day he’d met him-_ and his remaining at work for hours past when he would be allowed to leave. 

His angry and derogatory words slowly gave way to one day- _May 20 and 11 months into their relationship_ , _Alexander remembered distinctly-_ when he had hit Alexander to make the man shut up. Words tended to flow uncontrollably from the shorter man’s mouth, and even while that had faltered once Charles started to yell and speak over him, it remained one of his worst flaws. Specifically on that day in May, Alexander had stumbled through the door drunk with John holding him up and laughing. From April to the end of May, Alexander had stayed with Charles- he had no roommate- as Charles didn’t trust him with his own roommate. Eventually, Alexander had used his ever-so-elegant way with words to convince him otherwise. Charles, who had been sitting on the bed awaiting his return, was not quite as amused. Alexander blurringly remembered the disgusted glare that Charles sent John, returned with an equally as hateful one. 

There was an awkward silence before Charles had spoken stiffly, “John,” to which the man replied with an angry huff of air through his nose, Charles turning to face the redhead, “ _Alexander._ I thought you were returning earlier, Love.” Alexander had felt his blood run cold, leaning slightly off John with a wince.

“My bad, Charlie,” he began to slur, ignoring John’s hands tightening for a second when he had said the nickname, “J’got distracted. John brough’me here. Couldn’t walk.”

Charles pinched the bridge of his nose with exasperation, “Okay, well. John, thanks. I’ve got _him_ ,” he sent a look that made John’s heart ache in worry, “for now.”

John begrudgingly let go of Alexander, knowing he’d be better off not arguing. “Fine. G’night Lexi. See you at school.” Alexander sent John a look that read ‘ _please stay’_ before he simply nodded and watched as John left. 

The second the door had closed, Charles began to talk in a cold voice, “I thought I told you to come home early today. _And_ not to hang out with that _Laurens_ kid anymore.”

Alexander swallowed nervously and let out a small nervous laugh, “Charlie, I told you. 'D never do anythin’ with ‘im. I love you.” 

Evidently, that wasn’t enough for Charles. He shook his head and closed his eyes, letting out a small chuckle. “It’s like you don’t understand anything I say, Love. Do you?” Charles remained where he was, but to Alexander it felt as if he was inching closer with every word coming out of his mouth. He couldn’t _breathe_ when Charles spoke to him like this. He’d always hated being belittled.

“‘M sorry. I do. I swear. Charlie, please.”

“Please what, Alexander?”

Alexander found himself at a loss for words, wondering for a moment how with just a few _not even that intimidating or aggressive words_ that Charles could make him feel like he was being choked. “I just, please.”

“You’re so fucking stupid, Alexander. God. Every time you’re out with them, I have _no_ idea if you’re fuckin’ him. Knowing how much of a _whore_ you are, you probably are.”

Alexander winced at that, memories flooding into his head from the other night, when Charles had taken him so sweetly and nicely, and then afterward whispered of how he was a fucking _slut_. He couldn’t help but feel disgusted with himself.

“Just like your mother, huh?”

With that, Alexander’s head snapped up. He felt sober and heat flooded over his body, “My _mother_ was not a whore! Stop being a fucking di-”

_Shit_ , Alexander thought. In his outrage, he didn’t see the way Charles stomped toward him. He didn’t see his hand reach out and slap him, hard against his cheek. He let out an unbelieving breath. _Fuck_.

Charles was breathing harshly. His hands fell down to his sides and clenched and unclenched in a way that told Alexander he was _lucky_ that Charles had put his hands down. Finally, the taller man spoke.

“Alexander, do _not_ speak to me like that,” Charles swallowed harshly, “Understood?”

Alexander nodded and let out a tiny sob, hating himself for the way the noise made him sound so fucking weak. At that sound, Charles scoffed and turned. He shook his head as he walked away and grabbed a cigarette before leaving the dorm. Alexander felt so fucking _stupid_.

That had been a while ago, and it slowly began to progress from there. It got worse and worse to the point where Alexander had needed to stock-buy concealer and foundation to cover his bruises. Evidently, it wasn’t enough. Not if the way his friends constantly sent him worried glances and stared a little bit too long at his neck and wrists.

Alexander ignored it and despite the increasing fear he felt toward his boyfriend, he also felt a passionate love for the man. He was bettering him, as Charles and his friend James Reynolds insisted. Plus, as Alexander’s volume and tendency to ramble slowly fell, many of his colleagues had started to tolerate him more and more. 

It was _fine_ , truly. So he didn’t understand why everyone was so damn concerned. He walked into his lecture with Mr. Adams with an annoyed look on his face as the teacher sent him a nasty look. Mr. Adams never had liked the boy. It became somewhat of an inside joke with his friends.

He looked up at the risers and found his friends at the top one, near the left corner. He walked up with a small smile and relaxed his shoulders as he saw them fooling around. Lafayette had just closed John’s laptop- the latter glaring and yelling “ _Laf!”_ with a small giggle, them still not noticing Alexander had entered. Before Alexander could reach them, he felt a hand grasp his wrist. He winced as his bruises were pressed on, from a particularly aggravated argument with Charles. Speaking of the Devil, Charles still had his hand around his wrist from where he was sitting in the riser two rows in front of his friends. He sent Alexander a questioning look with a raised eyebrow. As if saying _‘Really?_ ’. 

Giving his boyfriend an apologetic smile, he slid into the seat next to him and ignored the way he could sense how a minute later his friends had finally noticed him and were staring with a rage he could practically feel. Why they hated Charles so, he’d never understand. Charles grabbed his hand- he must’ve been fidgeting again- and held in his own. Alexander couldn’t help but relax at the gesture and felt his thoughts calm down. 

Next to Alexander was James Reynolds and next to him George King and Samuel Seabury. He enjoyed Charles’ company, and occasionally Samuels’, but couldn’t say he loved the others. Their opinions were just _too opposing_. He could remember that before he was with Charles he had always debated with them angrily and passionately. Now, he was made to sit and hang out with them outside of classes when Charles felt extremely untrusting of him.

He felt guilty, as well, because James Reynolds was the ex-boyfriend and ex- _disgusting-abuser_ of one of his closest friends, Maria Lewis. He turned to look at Charles for a second, remembering the ways that Maria’s body would be nearly completely covered in bruises and gashes. Charles had never cut him, and when he hurt Alexander it was only when Alexander needed to be brought down a notch. When Alexander deserved it.

Mr. Adams, thankfully, had begun to speak so Alexander was drawn out of his internal conflict and could focus on taking notes and trying to learn this _bullshit_.

_“You’re too pretty to go to class,” Charles had whispered mockingly into his ear. Lying down cuddled into his side, Alexander swallowed. He hated these conversations. “Maybe you should just stay in my dorm. Stay in my bed. Never have to move and I can always have my little_ whore _here waiting for me.”_

_Alexander let out a small laugh in hopes that Charles would just say this was a damn joke, “Charlie…”_

_Charles narrowed his eyes at him, “Love, listen. How am I supposed to trust you just goin’ to class every day without me there to watch? Why not just stay home?” Charles’ hand had suddenly wrapped around his waist right onto a day-old bruise in a grip that left him gasping and in tears, “You’re too pretty, too stupid to understand all of that complex_ bullshit”

Alexander shivered as he was pulled out of his thoughts again. Charles had noticed the way his breath shortened and was looking at him concernedly. Shaking his head to prove he was fine, Alexander resumed his notes. 

The class had gone on smoothly for the next 10 minutes. Then Charles held his hand in a tight grip and placed his other hand on Alexander’s thigh- _he couldn’t explain quite why he felt threatened by that-_ and Alexander felt his own frustration begin to spark. With his hand occupied by Charles’, he wouldn’t be able to take notes. Knowing Adams’ tests it was completely vital to write down all of the notes. And he knew that this was one of Charles’ ways of preventing him from doing well. He would never understand why he insisted on doing that.

However, he knew from past experience that he was better off not doing anything in retaliation. Instead, he tried to focus as much as he could on the words that were displayed on the presentation and tried to jot them down in his memory. While normally this would be enough for a basic idea, the hand on his thigh left him feeling so _uncomfortable_ that he just couldn’t focus.

Although he’d never admit it, after class and when he was away from Charles and with his friends was his favorite time of the day. Other than days where they’d start ‘interventions’ and ask him of the true natures of his relationship with Charles. Those days he just felt _furious_.

That day, however, he had to pick up a shift at work because it was what his boss liked to call “Hell Day”, as they had to do boring paperwork all day today. Thankfully though, at least one of his friends would likely be forced to go as well. Class ended, and he glanced back at his friends for a second, sadly. Hercules sent him a questioning look, gesturing toward his phone.

The group chat, Alexander assumed. Charles wrapped an arm around his waist and led him down the stairs, his posse following in suit. Alexander sent a look reading _‘Sorry_ ’ to his friends and allowed his boyfriend to lead him out of the room.

Before they’d even gotten down to the last riser, Charles said, “I’ll drive you to work today, Love.”

Charles' friends fake-gagged at the pet name and Alexander couldn’t help but send them one of his signature _horribly aggressive_ glares. “Damn, Lee. Get your bitch on a leash.”, King whistled as he laughed threateningly while staring into Alexander’s violet-blue eyes. Alexander positively _knew_ that his friends heard- judging by the snicker that Jefferson let out right before a squeak that must’ve come from one of his friends- _probably Eliza, he thought with the smallest smile_ \- pinching him.

The small smile fell quick and in retaliation, Alexander started to speak, “I’m not fucking property _King_ I swear to-” He knew his mistake was opening his _damn_ mouth right away.

Charles’ arm tightened around him painfully against a bruise and Alexander felt the words die in his throat. Charles hated when he cursed. He always said his mouth was too pretty to say nasty things like that. That maybe he shouldn’t talk at all because his mouth was so good at… Other things. Alexander felt like a _whore_ that first night he’d said that. _Not here, not here, not here_ , he repeated in his head as he saw his friends grow increasingly as angry as he was with the situation. Thankfully nobody else had noticed, Alexander noted as he scanned the classroom, except for his friends who were likely already staring at the group. Charles sent the worst look to Alexander, and a mantra in his head- _you disappointed him, you_ stupid _dumbass. Bite your fucking tongue for once you useless-_ and Charles spoke in the coolest tone, “Alexander can you stop being a fucking child for once? Say sorry.” 

“Someone’s gettin’ _punished_ ,” Alexander gagged as he was sure his foster sibling Lafayette likely did as well when they heard Reynold’s suggestive voice, “tonight. Use protection, Lee. Don’t know where he’s been.” And shit if Alexander didn’t instinctively move to punch him. Shame for Charles’ tight arm around his waist.

King and Reynolds laughed, Seabury looking at Alexander sadly.

“Coming from you, Reynolds. _Honestly._ Is it not hard to claim that I’m the slut when you-” He was cut off with a quiet high pitched noise that felt wrong in his lips. Would Alexander ever be able to _shut his damn mouth_?

Charles had dug his nails in then, “Alexander. _Apologize_. Now.”

Alexander resisted the urge to die and clenched his eyes shut for a moment, buried his face into Charles’ shoulder, feeling his pride squeeze his throat more painfully than Charles could ever dream of, and spat out, “Sorry.” The words felt bitter in his mouth and he lifted his head off of Charles. He could practically feel the pitiful wince that his friends, likely John or Laf, had sent him. Alexander was many things, and prideful was one of them. However, that painful experience obviously wasn’t enough to satisfy the others, of course.

“Not property, huh?”, Reynolds mocked, “Still don’ know, Lee. Sounds like Lexi could use a lil’ more… Discipline.”

“Oh fuck off Reynolds-”, _shit shit shit,_ “I mean- I’m sorry. I don’t. I’m sorry.” He wanted to disappear. Charles would kill him.

He really _fucking_ hoped his friends hadn’t heard that. Thankfully, nobody that he didn’t associate with in the class was paying much attention and he felt his mouth fry up. Reynolds made a tsk-ing noise at the redhead making his rage _build._ Obviously, Charles was too mad to even respond when in such a public setting, because with that, and Charles sighing frustratedly while Alexander glared angrily at King as King smirked back, the group that Alexander wished he just _wasn’t with right now_ made their way out the lecture hall and to the car. 

Charles had no issue _disciplining_ him while his friends were present. They tended to spur him on. He still remembered the first time he had to with his friends. He remembered the embarrassment, the pain of their words that insisted Charles make sure he learns to “be fuckin’ appreciative and bite his fuckin’ tongue”, as King put so eloquently. Charles had cried when they were alone afterward, begged for Alexander’s forgiveness and insisting that they just made him feel so _fucking_ small. And shit, could Alexander sympathize with that.

As the clique piled into Charles’ too-expensive car, Alexander could feel his anxiety spiking. 

“Well, Lee?”

“Hold your damn horses, Reynolds.” Alexander heard Samuel Seabury snort quietly, King rushing to give him an intimidating look. Alexander swallowed harshly. 

“I already said I’m sorry. I don’t think I need to be _disciplined_ , Charlie.” Despite Alexander knowing there was nothing that would prevent Charles from listening to his friends, he couldn’t help but try.

“Y’know, Hamilton, you’re such a fuckin’ ungrateful whore.” _Shit_ . Alexander had explained to Charles one night, _vented_ to him, the ways his past foster families would use calling him his last name to show they were _really_ mad. The way it symbolized hatred for him, the use of his last name in reference to him. From others that he didn’t care about, he felt no different. But from someone he truly loved, it _hurt_.

The boys whooped in the back and Alexander saw a smirk slowly creep onto Charles’ face. Before Alexander knew it, his nose was dripping blood and his head forcefully turned to the side with the blow. He let out a harsh breath and brought his hand to his nose, apologizing repeatedly under his breath. Again, the boys cheered Lee on.

“Fina- _fucking_ -lly. ‘s about time he gets what he deserves,” King snickered. Seabury had let out a small whimper when the impact occurred, as he usually did. Alexander knew that King and Seabury’s relationship… _if you could call it that_ , was less than healthy. 

“Hamilton, it’d be best if you learned to bite your fucking tongue. Talk less, slut,” Charles hissed. He pinched the bridge of his nose, as he usually did when dealing with Alexander _Hi I’m A Walking Headache_ Hamilton, as he’d once said. 

With that, Charles started the car and their conversation went on as normal. As if Alexander hadn’t just been _punched in the fucking face_ and they hadn’t cheered it on. Alexander, as normal when with them, stayed silent. In opposition to speaking, he pulled out his phone and rolled his eyes at the influx of texts from his group chat.

**_Send Some Fucking Help_ **

**lizard: Ok so like what was that lex**

**freckles: ik. lee’s posse r such fuckin asshats**

**macncheese: yea didnt mean to laugh oop**

**lizard: JEFFERSHIT if u werent my friend id go punch u**

**angel: oh damn liza cursed jeff u in deep**

**pegme: oh u in trouble *** **_oooo.jpg_ ** *****

**zerotohero: pegz ily but,,, why**

**freckles: ikr like ‘pegme’ can only mean one thing**

**pegme: did i fucking stutter**

**imfrench: … This is a, how you say, groupchat. How would you be able to stutter?**

**macncheese: laf uve been here for years ur better at english than half of us.**

**freckles: call them out**

**zerotohero: shade thrown**

**imsickplzdont: guys,,, can we focus,,,,**

**lizard: !! Yes. Thank you, James. Alexander Hamilton. Why are you with that absolute fucker?**

**nonstophoe: liza he’s not that bad. sure his friends suck ass but he’s sweet.**

**freckles: i- did u just call charles lee sweet??? i m gonna p u k e**

**zerotohero: hi id like to confirm john just threw up send help**

**macncheese: alex,,, that wasn’t sweet**

**pegme: lex that was fucking disgusting u dserve better**

**angel: bitch if thats sweet-**

**Imfrench: Alexander, mon petit lion, please. He is not sweet. And his friends are not an excuse to treat you like that**

**He is a, how you say, motherfucking whore.**

Alexander couldn’t help but wince as that word popped up, but huffed and typed out a text anyways.

**freckles: hi im back and ew**

**nonstophoe: guys, seriously. he’s fine and i’d tell u if he were that bad.**

**zerotohero: alex ily but i have a strong feeling you would not**

**lizard: I have to agree, my dearest Alexander. You didn’t tell us when you’d broken your arm and walked to the hospital.**

**nonstophoe: my own wife**

**angel: alexander u r the biggest fucking mess i-**

**pegme: gotta agree lex u a dumbdumb**

**imsickplzdont: haha guys back to the point**

**alexander lee is not a good guy.**

**macncheese: anyone who’s friends with that fucking jerk of a man reynolds is a horrible person**

**also the way he treats you**

**but for real fuck reynolds**

**nonstophoe: for once u crusty pasta, i agree**

**fuck reynolds**

Alexander glanced up when he felt Charles send him a glare. He didn’t like it when Alexander texted his friends. They didn’t seem to like him very much, after all. 

**prettyinred: hi id like to agree**

**lizard: ria!!!!**

**prettyinred: liza!!!!! <33333**

**pegme: gags**

**freckles: sorry peggy but theres room for one of us throwing up**

**so kindly fuck u swallow it bitch**

**imfrench: Oh Laurens…**

**zerotohero: battle of the puke**

**angel: damn bro u got the whole squad laughing**

**imsickplzno: rt**

**macncheese: rt**

**prettyinred: rt**

**lizard: rt**

**pegme: rt**

**freckles: RT**

**imfrench: rt**

**zerotohero: ...alex?**

**nonstophoe: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, rt**

**yo wheres burr**

**fuckuall: Hi**

**Ok bye.**

**zerotohero: damn it do be like that sometimes**

Alexander glanced at the time and gulped, noticing that he was 2 minutes from being late. And Charles still had to drop off Seabury and King. Reynolds, thankfully, had left already. He sent a worried look of urgency to Charles. “Charlie, I might be late.” Unfortunately, the taller man just glared at him and Alexander shut up quick.

**macncheese: before jemmy says it- the point yall**

**nonstophoe: yall**

**freckles: hey lexi?**

**nonstophoe: ye**

**freckles: stfu**

**nonstophoe: oh :(((**

**lizard: Alexander, seriously. We’re worried. The way he treats you isn’t right. Plus, you have bruises that just seem to double each day.**

**pegme: yea lex its not ok**

**imsickplzno: rt**

**pegme: ty, james.**

**imfrench: Hate to be the bearer of bad news, friends… But Alexander is likely not going to admit to anything right now. This is useless**

**nonstophoe: ty, laf**

**imfrench: Unfortunately, for now we cannot do anything of their obviously toxic relationship**

**nonstophoe: im gonna scream**

**macncheese: plz dont my ears still hurt from the last time u talked to me**

**u gremlin**

**freckles: alexander hamilton related ptsd**

**zerotohero: rt**

**macncheese: RTRTRT**

**imsickplzno: rt**

Alexander shook his head and shut off his phone. At the perfect time, because they’d arrived at his work. Charles grabbed his arm before he could get out, staring him deep in the eyes. Alexander felt his heart swoon at the way those blue eyes stared into his own. He felt Charles’ hand reach up to his face and cup his cheek- _he hated the way he winced-_ and then he felt the man’s hand drift toward his nose. He grabbed a napkin from the compartment of his car, gently dabbing away at the blood that had dripped down but thankfully not been too much.

Once done, Charles said softly, “I love you, Love. You just gotta listen to me, it’ll all be so much better.” 

Alexander nodded, feeling guilt swirl in his chest. Charles slowly moved his face closer to his own but stopped when he was just barely there. Alexander almost groaned. Charles didn’t like it when he initiated kisses, so he waited for the other man to stop teasing him.

But then, Charles pulled back. And _fuck_. “Charlie?”, he whimpered. Charles shrugged.

“You don’t deserve it after your stunt, Alexander. I love you, I’ll see you later. Come to my dorm at 9. Don’t be late.”

With that, Alexander left the car feeling worse than he had before. He walked tiredly over to his work building, realizing with a jump that he was _very late_. He quickly pulled out his phone and sent a quick text to his group chat with panic.

**lizard: This is bullshit.**

**freckles: oh trust me ik**

**nonstophoe: hi ok is anyone working rn**

**im late**

**like abt to walk in**

**and its hell day**

**macncheese: oooo u dead**

**imfrench: Alexander why the fuck are you this late**

**pegme: hoe dont do it**

**nonstophoe: charles had to drop off seabury king n reynolds**

**freckles: there he goes again, ruining everyone’s day**

**nonstophoe: ok, jan**

**ok but srsly though is anyone working**

**macncheese: i am, but whats in it for me**

**lizard: Jefferson…**

**macncheese: ok on it**

**boss says to just stay a little later some time**

**nonstophoe: ok, thats fine. did he say how long we even have to stay**

**macncheese: the usual. around 6**

**freckles: after yall wanna grab drinks?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hello MAJOR MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING/// SLIGHTLY GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF RAPE  
> GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF DOMESTIC ABUSE  
> PLEASE BE CAREFUL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IF YOU'RE READING THIS  
> STAY SAFE Y'ALL  
> wash ur hands!!!! <3  
> more of lee being a bitch and some lams ; )  
> also im the self-proclaimed ceo of abusing commas hi

When Alexander walked into the building, he took in the familiar sight of everyone and then turned to see his boss, giving him an apologetic look. The other just waved his hand and shrugged, walking back into his office. With that, Alexander sighed and made his way to where he could see Thomas, at the end of the long table that sat in the middle of the meeting room. Every other college employee was also sitting there, but there was an empty seat next to Thomas. 

He plopped down tiredly in the chair, giving Thomas a nod in greeting. In response, “You look like crap.” 

Sending him a small glare and a, “Fuck you too.” Alexander grabbed the papers that were set out in the middle, with his name on a post-it note attached to them. He scanned through the papers, almost missing what Thomas said to him.

“What’s up with your nose?”, Thomas mumbled quietly enough for no one else to hear, but loud enough to set Alexander’s nerves on fire. 

He sent the taller man a small questioning look, “Why do you care-”, remembering that they were  _ friends _ now and that Charles said he needed to learn to bite his  _ damn tongue _ , he lied, “Nothing. Was rubbing it before. The weather.”

Thomas rolled his eyes incredulously, sliding a pen to Alexander. Green. Alexander sent him a large grin and turned to the papers, getting to work immediately.

Six o’clock came faster than expected as he buried himself in his work. Around 6:30, he felt his phone blowing up and opened it to see a couple of texts from John, Hercules, and Lafayette.

**Rev Set.**

**freckles: yall r comin to drink right**

**zerotohero: yolo man sure**

**where**

**imfrench: My dorm is good for tonight. Thomas will probably join too.**

**nonstophoe: alright but i have to leave before like 9**

**zerotohero: boooooo**

**freckles: wow buzzkill. but fine.**

Alexander showed Thomas the messages, snickering when Thomas just groaned and nodded. This had been happening so frequently that he understood that even if he said no it didn’t matter. The two of them left the building, waving a quick goodbye to their boss. 

“Well, Hell Day 2020 is over. So at least there’s that.”, Alexander joked. He looked up at Thomas, who had a thoughtful and distant look on his face. Like something was bothering him. His dark brown eyes were cast off in the distance and his curly hair freely flowing with the wind. Finally, realizing the other hadn’t heard his earlier statement, he asked, “What’s wrong, Thomas?”

Thomas hummed, turning to him and letting out a small laugh, “Y’know, Alex… When I first met you I’d never have thought I’d care about you as much as I do right now,” he stopped for a second and Alexander’s throat tightened up at the sentiment, “But, I just need to get something out because I hate watching my friend like this,” now he was facing him and keeping the same intense eye contact that he had the first time and each time after that they debated, “You’re not safe with him. He doesn’t treat you well and he… He fucking abuses you, Alex.”

Alexander rubbed his arms as he felt some sort of guilt hearing about Charles like this, “He doesn’t. It’s not like that.”

“Isn’t it  _ just _ like that? Think about it. Normal relationships don’t involve bruises and bleeding. Unless it’s the kinky kind of course,” Alexander snorted at that, “But seriously. It’s not healthy and I’m worried about you. I just recently became friends with you and I’m not quite ready to lose you.”

Alexander took a moment to think through what he’d just heard. He never thought Thomas cared about him, from how he laughed when he’d heard Charles’ friends insult him and the way their relationship worked. “You’re not gonna lose me. And I’m safe,” Alexander took a breath, “I’d tell you guys if it got bad. Also, as a note, I really do also enjoy being your friend. I’m glad we finally sucked it up and got along. I like it.”

Thomas shook his head but laughed quietly nonetheless, knowing Alexander would not be listening tonight. “Alright, Alex. If you say so. Come on, let’s get hammered.”

“Lexi!”, John shouted when he opened the door for the pair. “Thomas!”, he said just as loudly. He threw his arms around them, in the usual overly-affectionate drunk John Laurens way. Alexander let out a small chuckle, hugging his best friend back before shushing him and leading them inside. The dorm was already a wreck. Lafayette and Hercules were getting it on on his bed.  _ Thankfully not on Thomas’ _ , Alexander thought,  _ Last time he was not happy. _ Thomas sighed through his nose and cleared his throat, the couple stopping their actions and turning to greet the pair. 

“Alexander! Thomas! Bonjour, my friends!”, Lafayette yelled in the same volume John had previously. 

Hercules grumbled a small greeting, obviously upset at being interrupted. His partner stumbled off the bed and grabbed two beers, shoving them into the other two’s hands. They giggled and threw their arms around Alexander, rambling of how glad they were he was safe and okay.  Alexander would need to get  _ shitfaced  _ to get through tonight. John must’ve felt his pain, because he nodded toward the arrangement of drinks thrown into a mini-shrine on Lafayette’s desk. Alexander sent him a small smile and peeled Lafayette off of him, chugging his beer and almost gagging at the taste, while his friends  _ whoop _ -ed in the background.

By 8:45, it was safe to say Alexander was not quite in the right state of mind to understand the concepts of time. They were all fooling around, sitting in a circle on the floor and laughing wildly as Lafayette suddenly declared, “Truth or dare time!”

The group clumsily sat up and faced each other, Lafayette deeming that they were going first as they grabbed an empty beer bottle and spun it around, squealing when it landed on John. John giggled, “Dare!” 

Lafayette’s evil smirk was enough to tell them it was likely to be one of Lafayette’s signature risky dares. “Alright, mon ami,” he slurred, “Spin the bottle, and whoever it lands on you have to  _ kiss _ .” Hercules shook his head, laughing nonetheless.

“They’ve spoken, Laurens. Spin the bottle.”

John groaned and spun it around, freezing when it slowly landed on Alexander. Alexander could swear he felt his face turn bright red. However, he always had been a flirty and reckless drunk, so he shrugged and leaned forward, brushing his red hair out of his eyes and pressing his lips against John’s. John was a  _ good _ kisser, he realized. However, he could hear Hercules and Thomas  _ oh- _ ing and he understood that despite his drunk haze, there was  _ some _ reason it couldn’t go on. John decided that just for extra effect, to nip a little at the other’s bottom lip before pulling away. 

Alexander shivered as he sat back in his spot, but cracked up where he was sitting, John joining soon after. John held up his hands even while he laughed, gasping out, “Alright, alright. My turn to spin.”

By 9:36, Alexander knew something was off. There was something he was forgetting. He couldn’t quite think what with the way the group had moved onto embarrassing stories via Never Have I Ever, and John just admitted to foodplay with a one night stand. And fuck, that had to be hilarious. 

By 9:45, Alexander’s phone had begun to buzz annoyingly, so he yanked it out his pocket angrily as he tried to pay attention to his friends who were loudly roaring. Squinting his eyes, he made out that the screen displayed  _ Charlie <3  _ with the bright green and red buttons. Fuck.  _ Fuck _ . He could feel himself slightly get his thoughts in order. Slightly.

He stumbled up, nearly falling, and went over to a corner of the dorm that was less crowded with loud, laughing college students, internally cursing small dorm rooms. He chuckled when he saw John collapse when he tried to throw it back, Lafayette outright cackling as he pointed. He turned back to his phone, pressing the bright green button with shaky fingers but a drunken giddiness still filling him. “Hello?”, he greeted.

“Alexander  _ fucking  _ Hamilton. Where are you?”, he heard. The voice was asking a question, he knew, but it sounded more like a demand. 

“Hey, ask more  _ nicely _ ,” he said with a giggle. “I’m just with friends, Charlie.”

“And tell me, Hamilton, “ Alexander felt his blood go cold, “Did you forget our plans? 9 o’clock, you were supposed to come to my dorm. What time is it?”

That’s what he forgot about. Alexander stuttered out an apology, before insisting, “Shit, Charlie. I didn’t mean to. J’ got distracted.” Alexander could hear his words tying together in a drunk slur.  _ Shit _ .

“Come here now. If you’re not here in 5 minutes…”, he didn’t have to finish his threat for the impact to be harshly delivered. Alexander winced, and confirmed that he’d come now into the phone, before hearing the telltale sound of someone hanging up. Charles was mad. He hated when he was mad.

Muttering out excuses to his friends, he clambered his way across the room, trying his hardest to quickly get to the door. He needed to rush. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t let him leave just like that. “Non, non, mon cher frère. You must stay! Why are you leaving us so soon?”

Alexander clenched his eyes shut, swallowing his fear, “J’s gotta go ‘n see Charlie. ‘m late. Love y’all. See ‘ya tomorrow.” With that ever-so-graceful speech, he wrenched the door open and started the trek that he distantly could remember to Charles’ house. It felt like his feet were carrying him on autopilot, his mind having no time to catch up. He’d nearly fallen more times than he’d like to admit, but exactly…  _ eleven _ minutes later, he’d arrived. Trying to ignore the nausea that built in his throat from either his fear or the fact that he was heavily intoxicated, he knocked on the door three times. 

The door opened to reveal Charles Lee, wearing the same look he had that night on May 20, when John took him home and Charles- All of a sudden, he felt the same familiar cold pain on his cheek and heard a frustrated growl leave Charles’ lips as he yanked him inside the dorm. Alexander tried to blink his eyes into focus, everything moving too fast for him to process. He tried to convince Charles that it was an accident, that it’d never happen again- But he saw in his eyes that he wasn’t going to believe him tonight. He slowly felt himself be backed against the wall near Charles’ bed. 

Charles punched him swiftly against his cheek, the same place where he’d just slapped him. Alexander’s knees nearly fell at the first blow, but with another jab against his stomach as Charles’ words raged, “What the  _ fuck _ is your issue Hamilton? Can’t you fuckin’ listen to two words I say? Today you’ve already been a little bitch to my friends, and now me too? What were you doing? Or  _ who _ were you doing?”, Alexander whimpered and fell to his knees. 

It was silent for a moment, except for Charles’ harsh breaths and Alexander’s whimpers and pleads for him to  _ stop _ because it was an  _ accident _ . Alexander thought it was over, raising his head to face Charles. What he saw made bile rise to his throat, hearing the clang of metal against metal. “You’re sorry, huh?”, Charles snickered, “Well, if you're that sorry,  _ whore _ , why don’t you convince me your mouth can do more than piss everyone off and lie?”

Alexander shook his head, “Charlie I don’ wanna righ’ now. Please.” But Charles didn’t listen. He never listened. Alexander felt a single tear drip down his face, the world quiet and peaceful for a second as he could feel his mother petting his hair, whispering soothing words in French and telling him it would be  _ fine _ and that she loved him  _ so much _ , her brave little Alexander. 

That disappeared when he felt his throat burn and ache in resistance to something he  _ didn’t _ want there. He closed his eyes as tightly as he could, ignoring the noises he heard above him as much as possible. His mind drifted to a different place, back to the island. Back to where he was with his mother near the waters, watching as boats sailed by and the bright blue clear water flowed peacefully and calmly. His mother’s bright eyes looked down at him with pride and admiration as she bent down and pressed a kiss against his forehead. She took her hand, and brushed it through his hair. “ _ I love you, Alexander _ ,” she said, “ _ And I’m gonna make sure your life is  _ perfect _. _ ”

Nothing like hers had been, he thought with a sob. Charles slapped him across the face at the noise, grunting in a way that sent spiders crawling up Alexander’s spine. “I know you can do better than that, bitch.” And Alexander felt his heart break into tiny pieces, unwillingly involving himself in this… action that made him feel fucking  _ disgusting _ . 

Distantly, he could hear his mother’s voice and he could hear John’s voice and he could hear Lafayette and Hercules. Somehow, that was enough to make him not die while this happened. 

He was once again thrown out of his thoughts when his throat was relieved and he let out a gasp for air that he’d been denied, collapsing onto his side when memories of the hurricane flashed into his head. He remembered trying his hardest to breathe, trying his hardest to ignore the screams of people around him, trying to ignore the way his mind yelled for his mother to come and save him. Charles had yanked him by the arm, ignoring his horrified shriek, and thrown him onto the bed.

From there, Alexander felt himself black out but could still feel a sharp pain… He’d have to check if he were bleeding, he noted for later as his eyes and mind slipped shut.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello its me whats up  
> uh ok so theres really nothing new thats happened so idk what to write abt  
> kinda fluffy  
> kinda angsty  
> oh yea i forgot actually theres a good amt of angst  
> more lams bc im thirsty for that shit  
> kk thx luv xx bye

The next morning, he woke up to the sound of a blaringly loud and obnoxious alarm clock. He moved to shut it off, wincing when he felt an ache right-  _ Right _ , he remembered. Last night flowed back into his brain, nausea rising yet again. He stumbled out of the bed, opening the window that Charles  _ thankfully _ had in his dorm, taking a breath of fresh air. The nausea thankfully suppressed. He heard Charles wake up, smashing the  _ Off _ button on the clock, before turning to face Alexander.

He could hear the man laugh amusedly to himself, Alexander turning around and suddenly being well aware he had no clothes on. He felt anger burn in his veins, flowing red-hot. “ _ Fuck _ Charles. What the fuck.” For a second, it was like he was on the floor of his Debate Team classroom, blindly raging against the annoyingly mocking voices of his opponents. And the next second, he realized that  _ no _ . He was with his boyfriend, who currently didn’t look very happy with the way he’d just spoken to him. 

“Come here,” Charles demanded. Alexander obeyed as fast as he could. “Consider that a lesson for last night. Start fucking listening to me, and never talk to me like that again,” Charles smirked and cupped his jaw, “There’s so many better things your mouth could do. Maybe you should stop talking completely. Do everyone a favor.” Alexander winced at that but when his face was this close to Charles’ he could feel desire gather in his heart and he let out a small pleading noise.

“I’m sorry Charlie. I’ll listen next time. Can you…”, he trailed off, hoping he’d get the hint. Charles thankfully did. He closed the gap between their lips, and Alexander distantly remembered this happening with someone last night. With Charles’ lips against his own, he remembered.

_ Shit _ . It was fine, though, he convinced himself. Charles wouldn’t find out and plus- they were drunk. It meant nothing. Even if John being so close and doing something like that felt so  _ right _ , it still didn’t mean anything. He was in love with Charles. Horribly and completely in love with him. He pulled away from the kiss and hummed, grabbing his phone. A quick check at the time, and he realized that he seriously had a horrible tendency of being late lately.

“Crap, gotta go. I have Philosophy.” He still had an hour, granted. But he still needed to go home, definitely take a quick shower, and arrive ten minutes early to make sure his friends and him got the chance to actually settle into their favorite seats. Also, he couldn’t deny how much he loved his banter that almost always went down with the teacher-  _ and his and Lafayette’s foster mother _ \- Mrs. Washington. He’d had to face an amount of adversity when he first came to this school, Columbia University, as many thought he was a push-in since his family worked here. His quick wit and natural intelligence shut down those rumors quite fast.

Charles pulled a face at him, “Or you could stay.” 

Alexander blushed and shook his head with a breathy laugh and gave Charles a quick hug, shocked when the other loosely grasped his jaw and pulled their lips together for a few moments in a sweet kiss. He blushed even harder at that, squeaking a small, “Love you.”

With that, he rushed out of Charles’ dorm and to his own, trying to ignore the weird looks at the way he was limping. He arrived there in roughly 5 minutes, thankfully, and opened the door to reveal his roommate- Aaron Burr- working on something at his desk, facing away from him. The older boy turned to him at the sound of the door opening and gave him the most stereotypical  _ What The Fuck _ look that characterized him. Burr and him were friends from the beginning, despite their opposing personalities. Burr went as far as to tell him, “Talk less, smile more” upon their first meeting. But even Burr disliked the way Alexander’s normally outspoken personality was slowly beginning to taper down. 

In response to his look, Alexander shrugged. “Stayed the night with Charles,” he mumbled while searching for his towel and his towel bag. He could hear Burr sigh through his nose at Charles being mentioned, and wrinkle his nose at Alexander’s strange way of walking. He was friends with him but after seeing the way that he treated Alexander he found his distance from the other boy. Alexander rushed out the door before he could say anything, quickly going to take a shower. After sliding on flip-flops, of course. 

Once he was in the showers, and slid behind one of the curtains and threw his towel over the rod to indicate that one was occupied, he took a deep breath. It felt like it’d been forever since he last got to relax for a little by himself. Not for long, he realized, once he remembered why he was in such a rush in the first place. Quickly, then, he washed his hair and body. 

He’d been scrubbing at his waist when he stopped abruptly at the sight of red water washing down the drain. That’d happened before, he knew that. But for some reason this particular time made his body rush cold and all he could think about was the feeling of helplessness with the way that Charles had him. The way he couldn’t do anything to stop him. He’d felt so small. But he had class and so he tried his hardest to suppress the memories, hurriedly scrubbing away at all of his body. He’d accidentally skimmed over too many bruises, but even through the pain he just inhaled sharply and ignored the tears steadily flowing down his face. 

The shower lasted longer than he’d planned as he ended up spacing out more than once. A solid 25 minutes later and he snapped out of it, grabbing his belongings and going to the changing room. He was about to change into whatever sweatshirt he’d chosen that day, when he realized he forgot his clothes in the dorm. He cursed and buried his head in his hands.

Whatever, he reasoned with himself, barely anyone uses the changing rooms. And for good reason. They were quite disgusting. However, he didn’t want to risk it with the ways his friends got overly concerned over just some bruises. So with a frustrated sigh, he made his way back to the dorm in his dark green towel, opening the door again and muttering his grievances to Burr.

Burr decided to actually hold a conversation with him then, speaking up, “For such a smart kid…”

Alexander sent a playful glare, “Haha. Very funny, Burr. And who was it that I walked in on some… less than innocent activities with one Theodosia,” he laughed when Burr threw a pen at him, “Ever heard of a lock, Burr?” The other just snickered annoyedly at him.

He sent him a  _ I’m not sorry _ look and grabbed a pair of black jeans and Charles’ green sweatshirt. Burr suddenly sharply inhaled and Alexander turned to him quickly, still wrapped in a towel.

“What’s up?”, when he got no reply he added, “Burr?”

“Dear God, Alexander… What’s on your neck? And your face?”, he asked with a voice of near disbelief. Alexander gulped at the question, asking himself how stupid he had to be to forget not to bring his clothes to the shower in the first place. 

“Fell down the stairs again,” he forced a laugh, “Klutz, y’know?”

Burr saw right through his bullshit and shook his head, “Did the stairs choke you? Plus I’m quite sure if you’d fallen down the stairs and hit your neck, you’d be in the hospital.”

Alexander likely should’ve looked at the bruises in question before trying to excuse himself. “Uh, well-”

“Lee.”

Alexander winced, sputtering out lies before accepting with a nervous intake of breath, “It was an accident. He wouldn’t- He didn’t want to. I fucked up. You know, I rambled. ‘s just sometimes I talk and talk and like all of a sudden I’ve been talking for like 10 minutes and I guess I’d said some things and I mean it’s pretty hard to get me to stop once I’ve started-”

“Alexander, please. Don’t excuse what he does. He-” Burr took a second to collect his words, staring at the floor in earnest and deep thought, “Well, no matter what I say you won’t listen, will you? Perhaps it’s time to get the police involved, Alexander. That’s not a safe situation.”

“The police? No. Nope, no way. Burr, sir, I’d never let myself be in that situation. ‘ria deserved to call the police and needed to. Charles is nowhere near as bad as how James was. And we still didn’t have to call the police with ‘ria- we did that by ourselves. So what, I guess, I’m saying is just-”

“Alexander, you’re rambling again.”

Alexander flinched. 

_ “There’s no fucking way it’s fair and just to call America the land of the free, right? Because we boast of so much equality and crap but in reality there’re so many people that just  _ aren’t _ , y’know?” Alexander had been speaking at quite the pace for the past seven minutes to his boyfriend, who was getting more restless as time went on. Charles was leaning over his homework for Adams’ class- which Alexander had finished- and he couldn’t take it if there wasn’t silence soon. _

_ “Alexander, please.” _

_ “Seriously, though. The amount of discrimination acts that Trump is just removing? Disgusting. Like even taking away one is too much. There’s a reason those are in place and it’s that-” _

_ “ _ Alexander _ , you’re rambling again,” Charles growled, “Shut the fuck up.” _

_ Hiding his hurt, Alexander chuckled nervously, “My bad, Charlie. My mouth likes to go on and on. Need help? I wrote mine on the Revolutionary War, specifically-” _

_ “Holy fucking shit,” all of a sudden Charles had turned around and slapped Alexander clear across the face, “Shut the  _ fuck _ up, you absolute whore.” _

Alexander blinked, thankfully only having spaced out for about three seconds, “Right. Sorry, Burr. Gotta go change, sorry.”

With that, he walked back to the changing room and now got even more looks at his limp combined with the marks on his neck and wow he did  _ not _ enjoy that. After changing into the outfit, he looked at himself in the small mirror that the changing room offered. He didn’t look his best, that’s for sure. His dark red hair was obviously thinner than the last time he’d seen himself, as for the rest of him. It was neat, thankfully, after he’d brushed it out and not as frizzy as usual. He’d leave it down, then, he decided. Charles always preferred it down. There were dark bags under his eyes but then again, those had always been prevalent on him. What hadn’t always been there were the, thankfully, light bruises lining his cheek. He ignored the gasping pain in his chest when his mind flashed back to last night. At least what he could remember. That was the worst part. He’d always hated not knowing things. But not knowing what's happened to his own damn body felt so much worse. 

His eyes, however, were still the same bright violet-blue that they’d always been. He smiled at that, memories flooding in of one night in high school, when John had been lying down next to him in his backyard, on the trampoline. 

_ They were staring up at the stars and the amazing nothing-ness of the sky, when suddenly Alexander leaned on his forearm and faced John, the other following suit. They looked at each other for a moment, smiling softly, when suddenly John spoke, “Your eyes are so pretty, Lexi. So blue they’re almost purple, like Herc said,” John sighed, “I wish I could have them. But in all fairness, you look so beautiful I don’t wanna change one bit.” _

_ Alexander could feel his face flush and his stomach erupt in millions of butterflies. John and him had always had a flirtatious friendship, but he couldn’t deny the crush he’d developed for the other. “Coming from you, Jack.”, John scrunched his nose and Alexander softly laughed, “You’re gorgeous. Everything about you… Perfect.” He found himself often at a loss for words when it came to John, which he’d always been frustrated over. _

_ “Nah, Lexi,” John reached over and pecked his cheek, “Perfect one is you.” _

Alexander longed for those days. Laying on the trampoline and being absent and blissfully ignorant to the rest of the world. He knew it’d never come back. Not unless Charles spontaneously found himself completely trusting of John. Or if Charles and him weren’t dating… 

No, he berated himself as he looked into the mirror, he couldn’t think like that. He shook his head and began the annoying and frankly painful process of covering his bruises with foundation. They still sort of showed, by the time he was done, but he guessed it was enough. Or hoped, rather.

With a sigh, he left the changing room and walked back to the dorm, still in his flip-flops. Burr was still in there doing work, and laughed at the sight of Alexander’s shoes with a point. Alexander rolled his eyes and flipped him off, “I’m changing them now.”

“Wouldn’t be shocked if you didn’t.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“No, nope. Because knowing you- you'd do it.”

He was right, Alexander thought. He shrugged at him with a smirk. “I’m determined, Burr.” With that, he grabbed a pair of socks that almost-matched but didn’t really and his dark green sneakers, sliding them on. Finally done getting ready and with, he checked the time, 5 minutes to spare before John and Lafayette would likely arrive to walk to class with him, he flopped onto the bed face-first. He didn’t want to try sitting down yet considering the glaring pain in his lower back. He almost broke down just thinking about it, but forced his face harder into the pillows. That helped.

Burr was still working and the familiar sound of Conan Gray and Twenty One Pilots in the background combined with the scratching of pencil on paper and typing made him relax even more. He could smell Charles on his hoodie that he’d stolen about a week prior and hated how comfortable it made him. And yet left him slightly on edge. 

Before he could slide his eyes shut and fall asleep, the door slammed open and John and Lafayette bounded in, Lafayette looking considerably hungover but still much more energetic than Alexander thought they’d be. Still dressed better than Alexander. They were wearing some silk designer brand short sleeved button-down shirt tucked into a pair of ripped jeans and boots and even Alexander, who was blind to fashion, could admit it was a really good outfit. On the other hand, John seemed fine and was dressed in his usual plain t-shirt and black sweatpants.  _ Still looking absolutely fucking amazing _ . He didn’t really get hungover as much.  _ Maybe it’s because he’s so muscular _ , Alexander thought,  _ after all, he’s  _ really _ muscular _ . Pushing those thoughts away, Alexander groaned as he was rolled on his back. He was right, now everything hurt. He ignored it to try and prevent his friends being concerned. 

He could see Lafayette falter for a moment at the sight of his bruises that were just barely visible but immediately recover with a bright smile. John jumped over next to them with a grin that was brighter than his entire future and poked Alexander’s cheek, thankfully not where he was bruised. “Get up.”

Alexander pulled a pillow over his head, so ready to fall asleep. Maybe if he did, they’d let him. They always said that he needed to sleep more, after all. “Sorry, I’m dead. Can’t talk.”

“Hungover?”, Lafayette asked with a small hum. Alexander shook his head, realizing that for once he actually wasn’t. That was, at least, something good that happened.

“Ugh, okay. I’m up,” he forced himself out of bed. John offered him a small thumbs up, before shoving a water bottle and a chewy granola bar into his hands. They’d taken to bringing him breakfast and other things when they could. Knowing that he often forgot to eat, because he was just like that. He sent John a grateful nod and stretched.

“Ready to go?”, Lafayette asked with a smile.

“Fine. But I’m not happy.”

John snickered at him, “Sucks, doesn’t it. And off we go! Goodbye, dear Burr.”

“Farewell, Aaron Burr, sir.”, Alexander said after him. Lafayette just laughed disappointedly at his friends’ actions and sent a peace-sign to Burr before walking out behind the other two. They started the long walk over to the Philosophy hall, unsurprisingly not thinking about Socrates. Lafayette glanced at his two friends, subtly noting the way that John was a little too close to Alexander to be considered completely platonic.

That’d be a talk for another day, they decided. 

“Holy shit, Alex. I forgot,” John suddenly exclaimed with a jump, “Okay, so I was just minding my business. Doing what I do, as usual.”

“Is this going anywhere?”

“When all of a sudden, fuckin’ while I’m at the coffee shop- I hear from some insanely loud-”

“Kinda like Alexander, non?”

“Hey-”

John glared at the two, “I  _ heard _ that there’s this rumor flying around that- and you’re gonna fucking  _ die-  _ Franklin is throwing another open house party. Open.”

“John, Franklin’s our friend. We don’t need it to be open.”

“Shut it,  _ rat _ . That’s where the next part comes in. Think about it. Who’s one of the people that absolutely adores open parties and is quite the embarrassing drunk with no filter and oftentimes will spill things about his father who you happen to-”

“ _ Quincy  _ fucking _ Adams _ .”

They all cheered as subtly as they could without gaining concern from other people that passed by. Lafayette shook their head fondly again, despite knowing they were all equally as stupid and reckless when at parties. Especially when drunk. And especially at a Franklin party. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !! hi guys :))) not to force whoever is reading this, but plz leave feedback for like idk smthn u might think'd add to the plot, or like critique me??? idk does that make sense?   
> this chapter is a lil more like rushed and busy  
> a lot happens  
> todays kinda a sad day for me fwfiwefoi so im almost torturing them as relief  
> if that makes sense  
> thanks ok  
> im bad at writing drunk ppl btw like im sorry
> 
> TW/// DUBIOUS CONSENT, TRANSPHOBIA, ABUSE, ALCOHOL, PEER PRESSURE, DUBIOUS CONSENT TO DRINKING AND DRUGS

They got to class around their normal time, and upon entering were greeted with the comforting and homely sight of Mrs. Washington. She greeted them with a smirk and thankfully well-concealed pity at the sight of her foster son. Alexander and Lafayette gave her a small hug, Lafayette already chattering about this and that.

She interrupted them and their usual rambling with a pinch on their cheek, her worried-mother-hen characteristics already breaching past her facade of nonchalance. “Laf,” she started, “Are you still being bugged by that teacher? What’s his name, Jackson?”

Lafayette rolled their eyes affectionately, “Don’t even get me  _ started _ on him. I don’t understand how he can be so disgustingly racist. He’s lucky he has me and not John.”

“Ah yes, my dear Laurens. And how’s your family? How are you?”

John scrunched up his nose and tucked his hair behind his ear. Alexander crammed that into the box labeled ‘ _ John Fucking Laurens _ ’ and moved on, hating that his face was obviously red. And hating the way his foster mother gave him a knowing look. “Y’know. Dad’s good. James is still sick, but they say he’s doing well. I’m good too.”

Martha gave him her signature motherly look of disbelief, “Well, talk to me if anything changes. My mother title extends over all of you oddballs,” she turned to Alexander, “Alexander. Don’t think I don’t see you. How’s Mr. Lee?”

“Charles, Mom. He’s fine. Just got a promotion with his job, too.” he paused for a second, “Can’t really complain.”

“Complaining is always welcome, Alex. Plus, you know what I mean.”

John and Lafayette exchanged slightly nervous looks, but knew that Alexander would never even think of exploding on Martha. 

“Yes, I do. He’s fine, really. I’m great. We’re happy. How’s Dad?” Alexander had a habit of hurriedly changing subjects at the drop of a pin. Especially when the topic wandered to him and Charles. He thanked her weak eyes, knowing she likely couldn’t see past the makeup. Last time she had, it didn’t end very well.

“Oh, yes!” Lafayette chimed in excitedly, “I hear that there’s a new bill comin’ to the floor with him?”

“Ah, don’t even get me started. That man has not left his office in days. You kids need to visit soon, he misses you guys. Plus, he could use a little break. God knows he’ll leave his office once he sees all of you.” she said with a thoughtful look.

“Was thinkin’ of coming down this weekend. Laf said they’d join, I think.” Alexander assured.

More people had begun to pile into the classroom, including George King who gave Alexander his usual sneer. John narrowed his eyes at the student, having hated him from the very moment he laid eyes on him. Thankfully, Alexander sent back a similarly nasty look, easing John’s anger and need for vengeance. They all nodded at Martha, going back to their seats and getting ready for the class. And if Alexander made sure to sit a little closer to John, it didn’t matter. 

Class ended in a blur, Martha dismissing them a little early as she usually did. Alexander got up with a sigh, stretching a little bit. He’d accidentally closed his eyes for a few minutes too long multiple times during the class, finding himself more tired than usual. Lafayette noted that silently, reminding themself to force Alexander to sleep that week. 

They spoke to Martha for ten minutes about a couple of things, before walking to Alexander and Burr’s dorm. Half of their friends were already there, sitting on the beds and talking loudly. Much to Burr’s dismay but slight amusement, judging by his exasperated look that mixed with a small smile. Despite him never admitting it, he loved their little group. 

“Ay, finally! Took you guys long enough, damn.” Hercules complained. 

Angelica rolled her eyes, “You just missed Laf because y’all couldn’t make out.”

Alexander snickered, knowing how right she was. “Not on my bed, thanks. Already had enough sin from you two on there.”

“And  _ mine _ is okay?” Burr groaned, “Gotta disagree. Keep it in your pants or do it on the floor.”

John snorted, “Damn, Burr. Never knew how kinky you were.”

“Oh,  _ well _ . Let me tell you-” Alexander started. Burr interrupted him with a glare.

“Don’t know if you wanna go there, Alexander. You forget that  _ one  _ time.”

All of Alexander’s blood shot to his face as he cleared his throat, “Truce?”

Burr nodded with a raised eyebrow.

“So  _ both _ of you are nasty. Great.” Peggy joked. 

“We been knew, though. Lexi’s always been on the nastier side. He’s a hoe.” Angelica said. They all  _ Oh-ed _ as Alexander fake punched the taller girl in the arm, before rushing to hide behind John at her intimidating look that followed. 

“Sorry, Lex. Not risking Angel’s wrath, thanks,” John laughed as he moved Alexander back in front of him.

“I’m wounded, Laurens. And here I thought you were a loyal friend.”

“Thought wrong, Lex. Not with  _ Angelica _ .”

They all snorted at the interaction, Alexander collapsing onto his bed with a sigh after moving Lafayette’s legs out of the way. They whined, kicking him before moving on. “Hey,” John squeaked, “Where am I supposed to sit?”

True to his word, the space on Burr’s bed and Alexander’s were both filled up by exhausted college students. Alexander shrugged, moving to throw his pillows off the bed and scooting to the top of the bed where a little more room was revealed. Not a lot, but enough if Alexander and John sat  _ extremely  _ close.

As John sat down, he realized that it was  _ super _ close. Alexander’s slightly too cold body was completely pressed against his own. He didn’t mind, he realized. Was that bad?  _ Ignore it _ , he chastised himself. 

“Alright,” Eliza started, “Are you guys goin’ to Franklin’s party?” They all nodded and she went on, “Assuming I’ll have to be the designated driver?” They all nodded in unison again with matching grins, and she sighed before relaxing against Peggy and accepting her fate.

They’d all left around 5 P.M., about 4 hours before Franklin’s party started. They decided to meet up at Angelica and Maria’s dorm and show up at 10, since that was when everything  _ really _ started. Painfully, however, they left at the same time Charles had arrived. There was a silent and appallingly awkward handful of moments as the group left Alexander’s dorm and Charles came in, Charles and John trading harmful glares. Eliza pulled John away before he could start anything, sending Alexander a knowing nod. Her and Alexander had always had a strong relationship, so he could see the way in which her eyes read  _ ‘Please call me if anything happens _ ’, and he smiled in response. A forced smile, but a smile nonetheless.

By the time the door closed behind Peggy, Charles had already greeted Alexander with a hug and a long kiss, making purposeful eye contact with John. Alexander  _ really _ owed Eliza. 

Burr was luckily very exceptional at being fake-nice, so he spoke easy words with Charles for a couple of moments. Once that ended, he sat down at his desk and pulled on headphones, cursing everything in the world that he couldn’t just punch the man square in the face. 

Basically as alone as Alexander and Charles would get while in the slightly too small dorms provided, Charles locked their lips together in just as much an aggressive kiss as before. Alexander melted in his arms, but pulled away when he remembered what he had to talk about to Charles.

“Charlie, I almost forgot,” he led Charles by the hand to sit down on his messy and undone bed, sitting with his knees facing the other, “There’s a party tonight. Franklin, like usual. Can I go with a couple of friends?”

Charles kept a stone face while he talked, but Alexander saw his eyebrow twitch, “I know there is. Who?”

“Just Herc, Laf, Jefferson and Madison probably, the Schuylers, Burr possibly, and John?” 

Charles noticeably got mad at the last name, but kept himself contained when he glanced at Burr. “Laurens? Alexander, you know how I feel about him.”

“I know, Charlie. I’m sorry. He’s my best friend though. Plus, I was thinking you could tag along to this one? With my friends and I?” 

Charles made a face, “I don’t really enjoy being around your friends, Lex. They don’t seem to like me. Probably because of Laurens, I’d bet.”

Alexander shrugged and bit his lip, “But  _ I _ want you to be there with me.”

Charles cupped Alexander’s cheek and pecked his lips softly, “Well, I’ll be there with King, Reynolds, and Sam. Spare me a dance? And  _ maybe _ ,” he placed his hand on Alexander’s inner thigh suggestively, “We can claim one of Franklin’s bedrooms.”

Alexander grinned and blushed at that, knowing that the sizable frat house was sure to have many, and from past experience the beds were pretty damn nice. “ _ Fine _ . But I hope you know that one of these days I’ll get you to go with us,” he frowned, “I miss you at them. ‘Cause you’re there but we don’t really talk.”

Charles chuckled quietly, “You can try, Lex. I’ll try and talk to you more at this one.” He smirked and moved his hand up and down on the smaller man’s leg. Alexander felt his face burn and he tried to push down the slight uncomfortable feeling that bubbled in his chest. “From what I hear, you’re pretty wild at these parties.” Charles’ lips found themselves at Alexander’s neck, kissing lightly. Alexander bit his lip and glanced at Burr, thanking whatever controlled his fate for the fact that the man’s headphones were still on and likely blasting music. 

“Guess you’ll have to find out, hm?” Alexander’s throat tightened up while he flirted back, ignoring the thoughts from last night. He loved Charles, he told himself, so in his head it made sense that he’d just have to suck it up. Despite the lingering nausea that remained from the night before.

Along with the lingering discomfort, he noted as he shifted where he was sitting.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t notice that there was a new mark on his neck, this one thankfully not painful.  _ Not physically painful _ , a small voice mocked in his head.

Charles leaned in again but this time to his lips, continuing where he’d left off before Alexander interrupted for the conversation. Alexander made sure to check every so often that Burr was still unaware, and stopped Charles with a pleading but still acquiescent look each time the other tried to take them further than just making out. He didn’t think Burr’s always stone cold facade would last through that. He’d only seen Burr angry once, and never wanted it to happen again.

Eventually, and before Burr finished with his assignment, Alexander and Charles had left the dorm and went to the on campus cafeteria for lunch, Charles giving Alexander a look when he went to order chicken tenders and relaxing once Alexander changed it to a fruit salad. One that he didn’t finish due to his slight allergy to strawberries, which he was pretty sure Charles knew. For some reason, he still always insisted Alexander order that. 

Charles was talking about something while he worked on his computer, his project for his Chemistry class, Alexander thought distractedly, when he noticed King, Seabury, and Reynolds strolling over to the table that Alexander and Charles were at. He already knew King would make a joke about him resting his head on Charles’ shoulder and holding his hand while the other worked, likely something about him being desperate and how he looked like some whore housewife.  _ Which,  _ Alexander thought,  _ was so offensive and sexist that he felt his blood boil _ . Maybe he had slight anger issues and trouble with other people’s opinions, but seriously. Plus, it didn’t even make sense. 

“Charlie,” he whispered, “Did you invite them?”

Charles sent him a warning look, “Yes, Lex. Don’t complain. If you are good, maybe I’ll put up with your friends sometime.” That was enough to shut him up fast. He really just wanted them all to get along, and maybe that was the first step. They shared a good amount of opinions, after all. Alexander knew that Charles disagreed with King a lot. He’d just never admit it because he was a coward. But Alexander didn’t have the guts to say that. 

He didn’t even wanna know what Charles would do.

“Yo, Lee.” The way they greeted each other reminded him of John’s smoothness, but in an annoying non-smooth way. Reynolds plopped down in the chair across from Charles, King sitting across from Alexander and Seabury in the chair next to King. 

Charles shut his laptop, “Rush’s class is really gonna kill me, I swear. Fuck Chemistry.”

They all murmured in agreement, Reynolds launching into some overexaggerated story about Rush that somehow trailed into him dissing Eliza for being his favorite.  _ It’s not Eliza’s fault she’s fucking smarter than you _ , Alexander growled in his head. He bit his tongue when he felt Charles squeeze his hand. Charles knew that what Reynolds was saying would anger him. Especially when Reynolds scoffed at King pointing out that she was also dating Maria now. Which led to King somehow getting into politics. Specifically into transgender people. Peggy was transgender, so that was probably how. 

Alexander cursed himself, but there was no way he’d let King be transphobic without him saying anything. Especially when he noticed his friends walking to a table, having just entered, and sitting in a group somewhere a little ways off. How  _ fucking _ lucky was he? There had to be something up there cursing him with a million complicated situations. 

“He should just fuckin’ stop being a weirdass then maybe he’ll be normal!”

Alexander shot up and off of Charles, “Normal? First off,  _ she _ . Second, it’s not like it’s a choice or anything!” King grinned as if that was exactly the reaction he wanted. Which it probably was, knowing his sadistic ways. “Ever heard of gender dysphoria? It’s a  _ real _ thing. And it’s fuckin’ miserable.”

“Oh please, you’re just sayin’ that because of your brother. Don’t even get me started on him,” he snorted. Alexander felt Charles’ grip on him tighten to the point that he could practically feel the bruises developing.

Alexander ignored it, the spark being lit again in his stomach as his eyes filled with the same characterizing fire that had first attracted Charles, although he’d never admit it. Tragically, he’d slowly gotten annoyed with it and became the reason for it going out. “ _ Fuck you _ . What? They did nothing to you! Why do you care so much? It’s none of your business. Say one more word about them and I  _ swear _ to God-”

Alexander made sure that his voice was quiet thankfully, shortly making direct eye contact with John who’d obviously heard. He cursed John’s fucking amazing hearing  _ so much _ . They all seemed unaware. He knew that if Hercules or  _ god-forbid _ the Schuylers had heard- King would be dead where he sat. And as Alexander felt his anger retreat and King’s smile break into an all out grin, he sort of wished he were dead too. Especially with Charles fuming in embarrassment. “ _ What _ , Alexander? What’re you gonna do?” King said as he laughed. King also spoke quietly, almost in a whisper. But the damage was all the same. 

“He’s going to apologize. That’s what. Second fucking day in a row, Hamilton. What’s your  _ issue _ this week?”

“Yeah, where’s the normal lapdog we know and love?”, Reynolds sneered. Alexander swallowed and saw Seabury wince and give him a look that read ‘ _ Not worth it, Alex.’ _ . They often kept each other in check and Alexander wished he’d noticed Seabury’s warning looks way earlier. 

“I-I’m not apologizing for that,” Alexander spat, “Not when you insult my sibling  _ and _ Peggy.” Charles looked like he was about to jump off a cliff, but even  _ he _ knew that Alexander would never hesitate to defend his family. Or any of his friends. And that it would take more than that to get him to apologize for it. 

But King was giving him an incredulous look, something along the lines of  _ ‘Really? Are you that weak?’ _ . And Reynolds was shaking his head with a mocking smirk. 

Alexander locked eyes with Charles and saw his conflict. He saw how lost and, even if the others wouldn’t notice it, absolutely miserable and pitiful the other seemed. So, “Okay. I’m sorry, King.” Charles tried to hide his shock at that, but he just sent Alexander the most grateful look he’d ever received and relaxed his shoulders. Alexander could see John’s disbelief and anger-  _ he’d always had a quick temper- _ out of the corner of his eye, and he cursed the world again. But Charles’ look, again, had just felt so… Familiar. 

Charles had been so grateful that after his friends left and the two were headed back to the dorm, he stopped at Starbucks and bought his boyfriend a cake-pop and a frappuccino, which was reminiscent of their second date. Charles was so sweet back then, spoiling Alexander at any possible moment. He obviously realized how unbelievable and nearly impossible the fact that Alexander apologized for defending his sibling and his close friend was. “As much as you deny it,” Charles said as he pecked the other’s cheek, “I know you don’t enjoy black coffee as much as you say you do.”

Alexander flushed, “Hey, I don’t know what you're talking about. Black coffee reflects my soul.”

Charles snorted, “Okay, edgelord. That doesn’t explain why on our second date you nearly finished my caramel frappuccino, does it?”

Alexander poked his cheek, annoyed, in response and drank his drink and ignored Charles rolling his eyes almost…  _ Lovingly _ ? Alexander knew that Charles said _ I love you _ , but he’d never been sure that he meant it.  _ Maybe _ , he thought as he loosely locked their hands together,  _ it’d pay off to apologize sometimes _ .

Alexander got to Angelica and Maria’s ten minutes after everyone else, replying to their annoyed messages hurriedly.

**angel: ok hurry tf alex where r u**

**nonstophoe: w a i t i'll be there in a second, my dearest, angelica**

**lizard: What’s with the comma?**

Alexander rolled his eyes and opened Angelica’s door, knowing they wouldn’t care. They all cheered and groaned out a loud and disunified, “Finally!” He shrugged and smirked, the expression wiping clean off his face when John sent him a subtle glare and narrowed his eyes as he turned back to his conversation with Hercules. Alexander wasn’t shocked, really. But still,  _ ouch _ . Peggy was jumping up and down on Maria’s bed, Eliza and Maria staring up at her with fond exasperation, their hands intertwined. Alexander almost regretted apologizing before, seeing Peggy and almost feeling like he failed her as a friend.

Lafayette bounded over to him, “Alexander,” Alexander definitely felt like a failure of a friend  _ and _ a brother, now at how happy Lafayette’s voice was when they exclaimed, “I have to tell you of this-  _ how you say- _ jackass that was talking about Dad today! He was all like-”

Alexander nodded along to the story and responded to them as angrily as was expected of him- he  _ was  _ angry, but just distracted. Specifically distracted by John who still glanced at him every so often with a betrayed expression. If he was telling Hercules what happened, Alexander would for sure  _ die _ . He’d made eye contact with him eventually, something Alexander was both grateful for and hated, and tried to portray with his eyes an explanation, an excuse. He couldn’t seem to find one, and if John had thought that his being sorry was enough- he sure didn’t show it. 

They headed out once Eliza basically took a head count, piling Alexander, Eliza, Maria, Angelica, and Peggy into Angelica’s mini-van while the others went into Lafayette’s. It was possible they noticed John’s expression as well, as they seemed pretty insistent with that arrangement. It was confirmed they did, when Angelica broke the car’s screaming of Ke$ha with, “So, trouble in paradise Alexander?”

Alexander felt his face burn for what felt like the millionth time that day and glanced out the window, avoiding eye contact from prying eyes, “I don’t know. John’s just kinda mad with me.” he lied.

Maria cocked an eyebrow, “Did you really just try and lie to the Schuyler sisters?”

Alexander gave a short laugh and shrugged, “I mean, it’s complicated. Y’know?”

“Aw did you two break up?” Peggy snorted. Eliza hit her sister lightly with a disapproving glare. Peggy mouthed ‘ _ What?’ _ as if she did nothing wrong. Alexander scrunched his nose up at the suggestion, ignoring his heart jumping up and down at the mere idea that he and John were dating. John wouldn’t go for him. Especially after today. John was more aggressively loyal than himself, which was crazy. 

John’s suspension record spoke for itself.

“But seriously, Alex, what’d you do?” Eliza cut in. 

“Just stuff with Charles that pissed him off,” he looked guiltily at Peggy which everyone but Angelica didn’t notice, “The usual.”

Angelica hummed and made eye contact with him through the mirror, and it was almost like she knew. Which, knowing her, she most likely did. Alexander was shocked he wasn’t thrown out of the car right then and there. Or at least yelled at. He was there for Lafayette when they first spoke of their dysphoria, after years and years of silence enforced by their own internal transphobia. Which, thankfully, slowly began to disappear as they accepted themself more and more. The same with Peggy. It’d taken her a long time to tell her family. 

He felt sick again.

The party started smoothly. As John got more drunk, he got slightly less mad at Alexander. And fuck if Alexander didn’t feel relieved as shit. They’d crowded around Quincy Adams nearly immediately, knowing the lightweight would be ready to spill about his father.

They were up to one particularly amazing piece of blackmail when Alexander saw out of the corner of his eye, despite his drunken haze and the dim lights of the frat house, Charles leaned against the wall as he threw his head back and laughed at something Reynolds said. Alexander turned to look for Maria slightly too fast, feeling himself get insanely dizzy. He propped himself up against John, practically in his arms, and finally spotted her. She met his eyes and he slightly glanced to where Reynolds was. Thankfully she got the hint and moved with Eliza and Angelica to another room, away from the other group.

Alexander relaxed then, not yet realizing he was in John’s arms. John was just as drunk as him, so neither of them thought about exactly  _ why _ they couldn’t do that as often as they wished. Alexander giggled and poked John’s nose, watching it scrunch up like it had before when they were in his foster mother’s classroom. “Hey, did you know that when- when you get all,” Alexander interrupted himself with a quick chug of his drink, “-flustered you scrunch your nose up? Because you do. It’s real cute.”

John laughed but neither could deny that his face was bright red, “Lexi, you do that too. And you're the cute one, remember?”

Alexander furrowed his eyebrows and let out a fake growl, “ _ No _ , John. That’s definitely you.” 

Lafayette was suddenly with them, and they laughed a quick nervous laugh before pulling the two apart and glancing in the direction of Charles- who had taken notice of the pair somehow. And was currently watching not so happily. He hadn’t started to walk over yet, which they were eternally grateful for, so Lafayette made sure to remain with the other two as long as they could. For some reason, John and Alexander always gravitated toward each other when drunk. Or sober, in all honesty. Hercules came to join the group, chanting “Rev’ set”, and laughing when others joined in louder. The group was basically roaring with laughter by then, the party picking up its pace even more. Franklin parties had always been wild, after all.

John and Alexander were desperately kept off each other for the rest of the night by an equally as disoriented Lafayette.  _ Alexander better be really damn grateful _ , they thought amusedly. Hercules handed them all some way-too-bright blue Jell-O shot which they took excitedly. The four of them had always been the center of attention, their personalities blending so well that they slowly became almost famous with the party crowd. And for other reasons throughout the campus, of course. 

Eventually, Charles and his own group of friends,  _ King, Seabury, and Reynolds included _ , wandered closer to Alexander’s-  _ on purpose or accidental, he’d never know _ \- and while Alexander seemed uplifted when he saw his boyfriend, the others had to hide their disappointment. Lafayette the only one to do a particularly amazing job at that. They kept their boyfriend and their friend’s anger contained best they could, somehow being smart enough while blackout drunk. Unlike the rest of their group. Alexander tamed a bit once Charles had arrived, but remained as talkative with John, thankfully not as tactile. He leaned on Charles, who despite drinking was not nearly as wasted as the rest of them. King and Seabury had moved onto making out against some wall, Reynolds watching with a laugh like the creep he was. 

How they were so damn popular, Lafayette would never understand.

At least the party hadn’t contained any fights. Much to their relief, John and Charles barely acknowledged each other’s presence, spare a few glares. Alexander remained blissfully unaware as he rambled about something, both trying to reply more enthusiastically than the other. Lafayette swore it was like Alexander was a piece of meat. The both of them were unknowingly looming over the ranting boy and got progressively angrier and possessive. 

“Alright,” they sighed finally, “Laurens, can I talk to you?” 

John sent a final glare at Charles, who rolled his eyes, before conceding and walking away with Lafayette. “What, Laf,” John said as he sent glances to Charles angrily, “I was doin’ something. Y’know, Lee’s a real dick. Alex should date someone else.”

Lafayette laughed, “Like who, Laurens?  _ You _ ?”

John’s face was suddenly bright red, and he sputtered, “What? No! That’s not what I mean! But, wanna know a secret?” John had a face-splitting grin and leaned to whisper into Lafayette’s ear, “I  _ might _ be in love with Alexander.”

Lafayette snorted, opening their mouth to reply before John’s face grew grim.

“But Lexi is still in love with that douche,” Lafayette glanced at the couple to see them kissing a little bit too passionately than how they wished to see their brother, “An’ I dunno what to do. Lexi’s in danger, Laffy Taffy. Bad danger.”

Lafayette frowned and cringed, “I know, Laurens. But we need to allow our dearest Alexander to deal with it as he chooses. He’s never been one to listen to advice, has he?”

John sighed and wrapped Lafayette in a tight hug and started mumbling of how much he hated Charles Lee, Hercules walking over to them with the excuse, “Got tired of seein’ your brother fuck his boyfriend. What’s up with Laurens?” 

Hercules had always seen John as a little brother in a way, so he was reasonably looking around for anyone that was being mean to him. Lafayette sighed, ignoring what he said about their brother’s sex life, “Hopelessly in love with Alexander,” they smirked, “As I am with you, baby.” 

John moaned annoyedly into his shoulder and gagged, “Can y’all not fuck righ’ now? Need’a distraction.”

“Alas, we must wait dear Laffy Taffy,” Hercules sighed, “For real though, Laurens. Jus’ find someone to help ‘ya get over him. Some twink or somethin’.” John wrinkled his nose and looked around, seeing nobody that compared to the redhead. Speaking of which, he noticed that the pair weren’t there and looked around. He spotted them going up the stairs with Alexander giggling innocently in Charles’ arms. He felt something weird growing in his chest, unease at how out of it Alexander was.

That couldn’t be right, right?

John spent a while moping on a couch waiting for Alexander to rejoin them. Lafayette and Hercules were definitely getting it on above him but he appreciated Hercules’ hand running his fingers through his hair. Alexander used to do that. Before recently, when he slowly got less touchy with him. He didn’t get why, all he knew was he hated it. 

Alexander came down the stairs about an hour after first going up, looking a strange mix of shaken and sated. Charles followed with the same smug look as usual, pushing Alexander against a wall and basically fucking him again. Charles’ friends were still sitting near them and John accidentally exchanged a worried look with  _ Samuel Seabury _ of all people, who was staring at Charles and Alexander while King devoured his neck. Maybe he could have a truce with Seabury. But that was it.

Alexander pushed lightly at Charles’ shoulder, shyly brushing his hair behind his ear in a way that was so un-Alexander-like that it sickened John. Or maybe that was the alcohol. All John knew was that he found himself rushing to the nearest bathroom and throwing up, Ben Franklin himself showing up and snorting at him.

“Alright there, Laurens?” he asked. 

John groaned and rolled over to face Franklin, giving him the most blank stare he could muster with his state. “Totally, Franklin. Thanks.”

Franklin shrugged and handed the other whatever drink was in his hand, which John took more than happily and finished in four seconds despite the burn and disgusting artificial cherry flavor. Franklin glanced out the door and over to Hercules and Lafayette, realizing the problem with an amused sigh when he saw Charles’ arm around Alexander, who cuddled into his side and was genuinely on top of him as his eyes drooped.

“In love with Hammy, huh?”

John shot up, regretting it immediately after, with fake offense. “ _ No _ , Franklin. Ham’s with Charles, y’know.”

Franklin laughed and reached a hand to the other, who took it and pulled himself up. “Laurens, knowing you and Hammy that won’t stop y’all. Go get some ass, dumbass.”

John flipped him off but took a piece of confidence from his words, stumbling back over to sit down next to Lafayette, who thankfully was off of Hercules and talking calmly. Lafayette must’ve smelt the vomit on him, because they shook their head and took out their phone to text Eliza. 

The aforementioned woman showed up nearly 10 seconds later, thankfully without Maria. Lafayette turned slightly to see Maria in a corner with Angelica, concern written across her face as she stared at the group. Reynolds was distracted by some girl who was sitting in his lap, arms around his neck and sucking his face off. Lafayette wondered if she’d still want to after she knew what Reynolds did. 

Alexander was still tiredly leaning on Charles and rested in his lap while they shared one tiny recliner, who seemed to force an array of drinks down his boyfriend’s throat. Eliza did the same to John, somehow showing up with a water bottle and safely timing how fast he drank it. A true mother, Alexander chuckled in his head.

No- out loud, he realized when Charles sent him an odd look. He shrugged in response and pecked Charles’ lips, blessing everything when the other just smiled instead of being angry. Charles was steadily giving him drinks, and in the beginning he’d kept count but at this point he couldn’t really. All he knew was that he was absolutely drunk off his ass. Alexander could barely even feel the distant pain in his ass, of all places. He hummed calmly when Charles kissed his neck and moved to get up, placing the other in the chair and walking over to some shady looking older guy. Alexander drew his eyebrows together in confusion, before turning to John who was sprawled on top of Hercules and Eliza on a couch. Lafayette sat perched on the arm-rest and somehow peacefully stayed balanced despite sweaty and fast moving young adults all around them. John gave him a wink, before Eliza flicked his cheek and forced him to drink more water. Alexander rolled his eyes and felt himself laugh. The room, Alexander noted distractedly, was way more crowded than he remembered and people were still piling in.

Charles was still talking to the guy, who had a couple other people around him as well.  _ Poor guy _ , he thought, _ he’s probably just here to have a good time _ . He shut his eyes anyways and moved to rest his head against the pillow that had been in the recliner, falling into a light and brief sleep.

Brief, mainly because Charles found his way back to him and shook him awake, kneeling in front of him and holding up a baggy filled with some pink-ish pills. One had a small smile on it, he observed with a matching smile. Charles snickered at him and ruffled his red hair, much to the smaller man’s fond dismay. He couldn’t help but cling to Charles, not quite hearing when the other asked him something.

“Huh?” he cocked his head adorably. 

At least John thought it was adorable, from where he was watching. He couldn’t tell what was happening, he’d just seen Charles crouched in front of Alexander and Alexander looking at him with confusion, glancing at something Charles must’ve been holding up.

“Wanna do something fun, Lex?” Charles said again, after locking his lips with the other’s for a few seconds affectionately. 

Alexander chewed on the inside of his cheek, “Are you gon’ do it, Charlie?”

“Well, I will. Do you wanna join? Reynolds, Seabury, and King are going to as well. It’ll be fun.”

Lafayette and the rest of them on the couch were watching equally as lost as Alexander, trying to crane their necks and see what Charles was holding. Lafayette turned to face the rest of them, searching for an answer as worry grew in their chest. Eliza shrugged and gave John more water.

“Okay,” Alexander resolved, “But what is it? What’re we doin’?”

Charles grinned, “Trust me, Lex. D’you wanna feel good?”

Alexander flicked his eyes to his friends, who were all looking at each other. With no opinions from them, he nodded. He saw Seabury in his peripheral vision, shaking his head as subtly as he could. He barely had time to consider what that meant before he felt a small circular thing placed on his tongue, Charles handing him what was  _ thankfully _ water. He drank it gratefully, not realizing that the pill went down with it. All he knew was that it was  _ way  _ too hot and humid in here, and that he desperately needed a drink of something that wouldn’t burn as it went down.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> iM back  
> this was kinda a mess  
> I J GOT CYBERBULLIED  
> not rlly bc it was a joke that one person j took too far, and they did get yelled at and roasted by even like my worst political and debate enemies  
> but still  
> he was like being rllllllllly mean i was kinda hurt ngl  
> so i wrote this after typin a 5 paged essay in response to his annoying sexist remarks  
> ok sorry bout that  
> enjoy??? its kinda fluffy but also not.   
> i used this to kind of build on the slight Stockholm syndrome resembling situation of alexander. but also this sets up next chapter! which should be pretty damn cute too  
> thought some comic relief was necessary for the story and my own life rn so here ya gooooo

Alexander was always fun at parties. Always had been full of energy and bordering on obnoxious. In a good way, of course. 

However, this time proved to seem different. He was filled with something akin to complete bliss. It wasn’t as if he was bouncing on the walls. Rather, he acted as he normally would with a bright smile plastered on his face, his skin pale, and his boyfriend smugger than usual. Charles’ annoyingly satisfied smile was even bigger this time. And he looked at Alexander with the usual hunger and predatory stare as normal. It was  _ horrifying _ , honestly.

Lafayette didn’t enjoy seeing their foster brother preyed on when it was Laurens and Charles, and now it was just worse. Charles had a tight grip on Alexander’s waist- who they couldn’t say enjoyed it nearly as much. It seemed as though Charles was a physical dam to the raging river Alexander. Alexander was trying to push past, pushing past Charles’ grip but remaining as close. However, like usual, Charles would give him a small, sharp look and Alexander would slip back. 

It was definitely horrifying.

Hercules had always thought of Alexander as a wild storm, and similarly to Lafayette believed that Charles was just holding his passion back. He’d seen it happen slowly, the man’s normally fire-like eyes dimming down to a plain spark on watered down logs. He hated it, of course. Alexander was his best friend and  _ damn _ it if he’d just watch calmly and contentedly as Alexander disappeared.

Eliza knew something was off. It was evident in the way that Alexander moved. He seemed dizzy, more dizzy than usual for a malnourished sleep-deprived college student. He was giddily moving around and laughing. She couldn’t tell what, but she knew something was off. That hurt, as Alexander had always been special to her. They’d dated, afterall. There was a reason he referred to her as “wife”. Eliza and Alexander were connected, maybe not romantically anymore, but there was a definite pull. Now all Eliza could feel was Alexander pulling away.

John couldn’t take this. It hurt to watch Alexander’s body be practically  _ owned _ by someone who wasn’t him. He hated the thought of Alexander as an object, but distantly he knew he wished to  _ have  _ him. He’d treat him better, of course. He couldn’t even think of hitting Alexander, not even to smack some sense into him. Because that wasn’t necessary. Alexander knew something was wrong with Charles and his relationship, John could see that. He could see it when Alexander pressed closer to him as Charles entered a room, almost as if he was seeking safety and protection. He saw it when Alexander first began to lose weight at a quick rate. He knew that the man had issues taking care of himself, but he saw Charles pull away a bag of chips from the redhead once with a  _ tsk _ , and Alexander listened. That was the worst part. All he wished was that he could wrap Alexander up in a brand new universe of stars, and keep him safe and unhurt. 

But the  _ even worse _ part was how damn happy Alexander looked at the moment. The room was jam packed with horny and drunk young adults, sweat and smiles defining the room. Alexander was so blissful, so joyful. He could see Charles’ arms wrapped around the other’s waist and could see Alexander look at the taller man with something akin to love. And he wanted Alexander to look at him like that.

He buried his head into Hercules’ lap, not quite sure how to deal with… Everything.

The next morning was filled with regret and  _ pain _ . Alexander was surprised he didn’t die. He couldn’t remember what he’d taken, but he knew there was something. He could distantly recall Charles sitting in front of him and pink-ish pills, and feeling on top of the world. 

He sure felt like rock bottom right now.

He checked the time, the clock betraying him and reading a bright  _ ‘2:43’ _ . He gasped and shot up, realizing with relief in his chest that he was in his own dorm. Burr was sat at his desk, looking fine and nearly amused. He turned to the bewildered boy, smirking. “Joining the living, are you?”

Alexander gawked at the man’s sheer nonchalance, gasping. “ _ Burr _ why didn’t you wake me up? I probably missed Economics!” He jumped out of bed and looked at his email with panic, not noticing any cancellation of classes or emails about missing class. He supposed that  _ was _ wishful thinking, though. 

“Alexander, please. Angelica covered you. And Madison. I’m near sure you wouldn’t be able to go.” 

Alexander cocked his head at that, “What do you mean?” They got drunk often, after all. And rarely, if ever, did they miss class. They were all quite lucky with hangovers. A blessing and a curse he supposed. He had no reason to avoid drinking on school days. 

“Yeah. You came back at like 4 A.M. Eliza, Maria, Angelica, and Lafayette waited here until then. Laurens, Peggy, and Hercules tried to, but y’know. They were way more wasted.”

Alexander winced, feeling slightly guilty. “They didn’t have to… Eliza and Laf have early classes today.” He mumbled. Burr gave him a pitiful look, before wiping it off so fast he wasn’t quite sure it really happened.

“They’re fine, Alexander. We all just wanted to make sure you were okay. You came home way worse than usual. You barely seemed conscious. And you had a busted lip. You can’t feel that?”

Now that it was mentioned, Alexander could feel a throbbing in his lower lip. He cursed, putting his fingers to it and revealing a slight trace of blood.

“Did it reopen? Maria did some first aid, but she mentioned it might reopen. It was a pretty nasty  _ fall down the stairs _ , like Charles said.” Burr said with an obviously accusatory and incredulous tone. He displayed with his facial features nothing of the sort, of course.

“Oh,” how had Alexander angered Charles last night, he thought, as he lied, “Yeah, it was.”

“Alexander, it wasn’t a fall down the stairs. He said that you got into another fight with some jackass republican.”

_ Fuck _ , that was smart. Even Alexander could admit that. Through the hatred he currently had for who he  _ thought _ was his good friend, but now he was convinced was a manipulative snake. “Whoops, forgot. Kind of out of it, sorry.”

“Sure, Alexander. You should call Laurens, by the way. Wasn’t too happy when he had to leave.”

True to Burr’s word, John coincidentally barged in at that exact moment, his face breaking into a grin when he saw Alexander stood up. He sprinted to the other and basically jumped onto him, tackling him with a hug. A panting Hercules appeared behind John, Lafayette following in suit. Angelica walked in not a second later, somehow seeming unaffected by their rush. She was a wonder, Angelica.

“You’re  _ alive _ , holy shit! You came back so late, Lexi! You can’t do that! Especially not after a Franklin party or with the literal antichrist!” John shouted as he squeezed Alexander so tight he was sure he’d explode. He could feel his bruises being pressed on, but he enjoyed the proximity to John and the smell of sweet-mint and  _ John Laurens _ filling his senses so much that he decided not to object.

“Of course I am, Jacky,” John visibly cringed at the nickname and glared playfully, “ _ But _ I won’t be soon. I missed Econ.”

John rolled his eyes fondly, loosening his grip slightly but not moving from his position on top of Alexander. On the floor, may I add. He moved slightly and was suddenly making eye contact with the other and looking into his violet eyes directly and the man’s auburn hair framed his face perfectly and he felt himself become out of breath. He choked on his breath, “Shit, Lexi. How ever will you recover? Not like you just came home at 5-”

“4,” Burr butt in.

John glared, “ _ 4 _ A.M.! I couldn’t stay the whole time, but I’m telling you I thought you were dead!”

“Very true,” Hercules hummed from the corner, “He woke up and before I could tell him you were fine, he was running over here. As for how Lafayette and Angelica got here… I don’t remember. Was too busy trying to catch John Laurens.”

“I was already on my way over.” Lafayette explained. Angelica shrugged, not having an explanation but somehow that was enough. “It’s relieving to see you, albeit not quite being able to right now thanks to our dear Laurens, alive. How’s your lip?”

John gasped as if he’d just been stabbed, and looked closely at Alexander’s perfect face. He focused his eyes better, seeing the bruises that lined his cheekbone and the many marks that were now uncovered from the lack of makeup. The most fresh ones included a bright red gash on the other man’s perfect lips. They were so nice, and looked  _ so _ soft he was going to die. He pushed through the desire, “You’re  _ hurt _ ? Alexander James Hamilton!”

“James isn’t technical- Okay, nevermind,” Alexander snorted, “I am alright, Johnny.”

John gave him a questioning and almost offended look, before getting off him with the help of Lafayette, who looked at their foster brother with some combination of pain and amusement in their eyes. “Well, mon petit lion, are you truly alright? You seem a little… How do you say, worse for wear.”

“How many times- you’re amazing at English Laf-” 

Alexander interrupted Hercules’ oncoming ramble, “Thank you, Laf. But I’m alright. And y’know- maybe we could see Dad today.” He glanced at the clock and the calendar, noting it was Friday, “An extra day long won’t do any harm, will it?”

Lafayette practically squealed, running to hug their foster brother, “Oh! That is a wonderful idea, Alexander! We can stay overnight, non? Well, I suppose for two nights! How amazing! Just like old times.”

Alexander giggled at his excitement, “Yeah, yeah. It’ll be great. I just gotta check with Charles. But it’ll probably be fine!”

John audibly gagged at the other’s name, but Lafayette sent him a quick glance and moved on, “We must pack now, Alexander. It’s already 2! Hurry, will you?”

Alexander rolled his eyes but moved to pull out a suitcase from under his bed. He’d yet to move it somewhere better since moving in. “Are y’all tagging along?” He asked Hercules and John. He already knew Angelica was going to her family’s with her sisters. And that Burr likely wouldn’t want to.

Hercules exchanged a look with John, who shrugged as if to say ‘ _ Why not?’ _ . Which he did.

With that, they all got their suitcases packed and met at Hercules’ and John’s. Everyone but Alexander, who found a way to be 45 minutes late. He nearly stumbled in like a baby giraffe and sent them a sheepish smile. John cleared his throat, trying to hide his concern, “ _ Alex _ , how are you so late? We missed the bus! Now we gotta wait 10 more minutes.”

Lafayette rolled their eyes at their friend’s dramatics but said nothing, looking at Alexander expectantly. Alexander shrugged, rubbing the back of his head and charging into another conversation, pulling Charles’ giant red sweatshirt around himself tighter and plopping down next to John on his bed. 

John wouldn’t admit it, but when he smelt Charles on what Alexander was wearing-  _ likely Charles’, he concluded _ \- he felt himself get filled with something akin to rage and resentment. He hated it, but he felt himself instinctively shift away from Alexander. He covered it up well, Alexander only sending a mildly confused look. Hercules and Lafayette were occupied, talking about Hercules’ new fashion piece that he wanted Lafayette to model.

Soon enough, they all piled onto the bus and relaxed for the short journey. Only roughly an hour. Alexander felt almost guilty as he sat there, John’s presence in the seat next to him warm and so tauntingly close. He just wanted to climb into the other’s lap, forget about Charles, and do things he really hoped his mother wasn’t watching.

Still, though, he couldn’t help but remember Charles’ warning.

_ Alexander was already packed, he was nearly ready to leave. Only one thing was left for him to do. He said a short goodbye to Burr before rushing over to Charles’ dorm with hope that the other wouldn't care. He knocked on the door and was greeted with Charles’ deep blue eyes that looked at him with coldness. _

_ “Alexander. Feeling better from last night?” _

_ Alexander shrugged, the cold tone hitting him as hard as Charles had intended. He flinched when Charles pulled him inside, closing the door behind him and invoking something like panic in his chest. “I needed to ask you about something, Charlie.” _

_ “Yes?” _

_ “Well,” he fiddled with his fingers and looked down, “Laf, Herc, John-” _

_ “Laurens?” _

_ “Yeah…” _

_ “Go on.” Charles spat. _

_**"** We were gonna go see Laf and I's foster parents for the weekend. I’d leave today, is that okay with you?” Alexander felt his chin grabbed in a rough grip, forcing him to look into Charles’ eyes. For a moment, all was still. Close to calm. Alexander’s blue-violet eyes were staring into Charles’ darker ones seeing an emotion he couldn’t read. Charles was too hard to read, nothing like John. _

_ Charles abruptly locked their lips together and kissed him with anger and passion and lust mixed into one painful embrace that Alexander hated to say he enjoyed. He loved when Charles kissed him, despite it sometimes being filled with hatred, because it filled his heart with butterflies and left him gasping for more. At the same time, he couldn’t help but feel fearful. _

_ Charles pushed him onto the bed, moving to climb over him before Alexander had the time to take a breath of fresh air. He couldn’t say he disliked the affection, but he needed an answer soon. “Charlie? Can I go?” He nearly whispered. _

_ Charles looked at him intensely for a moment, trying to search for something in his eyes. “And what can I get in return, Alexander?” Alexander smiled a little, feeling almost beautiful with the way that Charles watched him.  _

_ He must’ve given something amazing in return, because Charles allowed him to leave with just a few remarks. _

_ “If I find out  _ anything _ happened with Laurens, it’s not just you that you’ll have to fear for.” _

Alexander spaced out after that, concerning John who expressed his worry. Alexander’s head snapped up, “What? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.”

“Are you okay? You’ve been staring at the same speck of dust for the past half hour.” John snorted. Alexander shrugged and turned to face the other. John’s eyes looked slightly worried and slightly… Something else. 

“Just thinkin’. Hey, how much longer is the ride?”

He felt a kick on the back of his seat and jumped up with a squeak, regretting that movement the second he fell back down with a grimace. John gave him an odd look, before turning around to face the tailor that was now grinning obnoxiously at them. “5 minutes until we see Washingdaddy!”

Alexander gagged at the nickname, albeit knowing he himself came up with it. It was a weird memory. One he really wished they’d just let go.

_ They were all hungover. That happened a lot more in high school, and rarely in college. Either they built up an immunity, or it was solely sheer luck. Regardless, they were hungover. John, Hercules, and Lafayette were scrambling around with futile efforts of cleaning the too-large Washington house and Alexander was honestly nowhere to be found. They’d been worried in the beginning, of course, but eventually realized he’d wake up soon. _

_ Their panic increased more when the door opened and Martha and George walked in, both looking not their best. They obviously weren’t happy, as George often was when having to go to political outings. The three boys stood in a row, smiling at them innocently despite the wreck of a house behind them. The foster parents sighed heavily and took a moment of silence, looking around the house. _

_ “Where,” Martha took a heavy breath, “Is Alexander?” _

_ George hadn’t spoken once, his mouth opening in closing in what could only be described as unsurprised shock. The other boys shrugged sheepishly. _

_ “Well, funny story. We don’t quite know.” John admitted. Lafayette flicked his arm, but John simply mouthed  _ ‘What’  _ because they all knew that the two would figure it out on their own. _

_ “I swear,” Hercules cleared his throat, “that he was on the second floor. Well, I’m pretty sure.” _

_ With that, they all tiredly walked up the flight of stairs. John, Lafayette, and Hercules were still feeling the regrets of last night pounding in their head and the nausea that slowly built up. They knew they were better off helping, because there was no way they’d get off easy. Thankfully, nothing seemed to be broken. _

_ They opened the doors on the floor, the trio each having a little bit of an inkling as to what they might walk in on. True to their thoughts, as George opened the door to a guest bedroom with Martha standing behind him impatiently, they saw Alexander laying next to some muscular and quite intimidating older guy, his red hair a mess on the pillow underneath him and dark hickeys already visible on his neck. The three stifled their laughter, but obviously not enough as Alexander woke up with a flash, immediately holding his head in pain. _

_ Martha sighed, letting her presence be known. Alexander’s eyes grew comically wide, “Oh! Hi! How was the convention,” their eyes demanded an answer tiredly, “I was just tired. We- uh- were both tired.” The man next to him woke up after, stretching and looking- at least to John- disgustingly smug when he saw Alexander before snapping his eyes over to the doorway.  _

_ “You were both tired,” George began, “So you got into a bed naked? And did an animal just so happen to climb in too?” He gestured exhaustedly toward his neck. _

_ At this point, the three friends couldn’t hold in their laughter. Not only did they regret bursting into giggles because their heads instantly took revenge, but Martha sent them a disapproving eyebrow arch.  _

_ Alexander’s eyes wildly searched the room around him, seeing his clothes along with the other’s scattered around the room. It was like a tornado had passed through the room, he also noticed, what with objects all over the floor. Thankfully, his clothes were all near each other and the other man’s were on the other side. Speaking of the other man, as he looked at him he realized he had no  _ idea _ who he was and was nearly positive he didn’t go to their school. _

_ “And who are you?” Martha asked with her chiding tone. The man sputtered in panic, looking to Alexander for help.  _

_ “He’s… Jeremy,” Alexander lied. He knew he’d be shamed even more if they realized he didn’t even know who the fuck this was. _

_ “Jeremy,” Lafayette gasped out, “Alex, that’s my friend’s boyfriend. My friend in grad school.” _

_ Alexander’s face erupted in both a glare and a bright red flush, before turning to glare defensively at the other man, “Hey, asshole, you didn’t tell me that!” _

_ “Well, you’re legal, aren’t you?” The other man’s voice was harshly different from Alexander’s own teenage high-pitched one, but he still looked at the loud, angry redhead in fear. _

_ “Yes, but still!” _

_ The parents obviously had enough because they just sighed, “Okay, Alexander, Jeremy. Come down soon. Or don’t. I really don’t know what to say.” George finally spoke up. _

_ Alexander saw his friends downright cackling behind the couple so with a small glare, he decided that anything was better for them to continuously talk about other than this situation, so he whined, “No! Washingdaddy don’t be disappointed.” _

_ There was silence. Echoing silence. And then the loudest laughter he’d ever heard, followed promptly by his foster parents looking more disappointed than they ever had. Alexander wanted to die. _

The memory was one of his stupidest moments, and he  _ still _ looked back on it with regret. He couldn’t deny it was funny, though. “Did we ever find out if the other boyfriend found out?” He asked with a thoughtful look. And a regretful look. Definite regret.

Lafayette snorted, “Yep. Remember?”

“Oh! Yes, how could I forget those texts?”

The bus stopped soon enough in front of that same house, all of them giddy with excitement at the following relaxing and nostalgic weekend that was sure to come. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys  
> not a lot to say tbh  
> listen to 'someone to you' by BANNERS if u want a good song that for some reason leaves u thinkin n kinda hopeful n excited for the future. dk why, but j does that lol  
> this is kinda fluffy- but also kinda angsty  
> theres gonna be major events in the coming chapters  
> kk have fun tysm for reading this love yall

The moment Alexander stepped off the bus and looked around at the bus station, he felt a sense of calmness wash over him that felt familiar yet unnerving. He felt safe as soon as he saw the bus drive away and his friends sigh mutual sighs of relief as they stretched. Lafayette immediately forced them to take a photo by the large sign that read ‘ **WELCOME TO SCARSDALE, NEW YORK’** . 

Almost a split second after they knocked on the door to the large house, George Washington himself threw the door open and his face looked tired, more tired than usual, but also so happy. Ecstatic, even. He wasn’t one for physical affection-  _ or much affection at all, really _ \- but they knew all the same how happy he was to see them.

He ushered them in as a staff member grabbed their bags, despite them refusing- and greeted them with a large smile. The Washingtons might be filthy rich, but they didn’t treat their staff the same as many other families did where they lived. That’d been one of the main reasons Alexander was comforted when he first arrived at the house at the age of 14, after a strain of horrible families. 

George sat them all down in the main living room and chuckled when they all amusingly spouted stories they were dying to tell the man. He listened to both John and Hercules first, then Alexander after. He gave him the same look that Martha had, a knowing one. Alexander didn’t let it spoil his mood, instead sharing what he’d been waiting to. And maybe he left out a few important events, but Charles had told him that he tended to talk too much. That most of the time no one cared.

George responded with his usual way, smooth and saying everything irritatingly right, before he asked what everyone seemed to ask lately. “And how’s Charles,” he started with a weird look, “Is he treating you well?”

Alexander forced a smile on his face, “Of course, Dad. Don’t worry. I’m too tough to let anything bad happen to me.”

John snorted, “ _ Tough? _ ”

“Please,” Hercules said with a laugh, “Alexander I am fairly sure you’re the least strong out of all of us.”

“Yes, unfortunately I must agree. Mr. I Cry At Every Disney Movie.” Even Lafayette had joined on the slander, and Alexander shot him an offended and betrayed look.

“I’m shocked. My own sibling. My own best friends. A tragedy.”

“Alexander, it’s not that I doubt your  _ toughness _ ,” George displayed an amused smile, “But I think perhaps you may not act as tough in front of Lee.”

Alexander shrugged, “It’s not like that. We’re good, really.” Alexander and George made eye contact and spoke almost silently, Alexander conveying desperately that he’d explain this later. 

So, George moved to Lafayette who excitedly started to ramble on and on about what he’d told Alexander before the party. The party… Alexander remembered something all of a sudden.

_ The pill slid down his throat with the water that Charles had just given him, and at first he was convinced it was fake. He remembered shrugging it off at the lack of effect and going back to what he’d been doing before. Until, of course, he felt his body almost vibrate and fill with energy. Happy, euphoric energy. _

He still didn’t remember Charles telling him what he’d taken, but with nausea building in his throat he was nearly sure he realized. John must’ve noticed, as he always did, his smile slip a little. He put his hand on top of Alexander’s where it sat underneath the table and sent him a small questioning look. Alexander pushed a small smile onto his face and shook his head. It definitely wasn’t enough, he noticed when John bit his lip anxiously and turned away. 

His hand didn’t move.

They’d all eventually moved to freshen up and change-  _ Alexander was still in his clothes from the party and frankly that didn’t feel very nice- _ before heading to dinner. Alexander had changed into shorts and a t-shirt at first before noticing the bruises on his knees and his thighs and even on his  _ calves _ .  _ Also _ his wrists had handprints around them from Charles holding him down and-  _ no,  _ he wouldn’t remember that right now. All he knew was that despite these clothes being more comfortable for the temperature in the house, he had to change into sweatpants and a sweatshirt and just wear them as soon as it was night and he was alone. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to sleep more than usual if he was basically sweating to death. 

So, with a sigh and an uncomfortable tugging at the clothes, he walked down the stairs to dinner and tried to ignore the questions he got about his clothing choice. They were all dressed in more appropriate clothes, like he wanted. But he couldn’t even afford to change into a t-shirt, like John and George.  _ So close _ , he thought. He could use his makeup, but he’d been running low and hadn’t thought to stock up.

His mistake, he decided later, was not waiting an extra hour to change into more comfortable clothes. It wasn’t even worth the fact that as soon as he stripped from the other outfit he felt cool air wash over him and it was like a drink of water after a long race. Because now he was stood, still in his position of brushing his hair in front of his mirror, staring at George who didn’t look… Well, he didn’t look anything. His face was blank, not giving Alexander any hint at what he was feeling when he saw his foster son with bruises covering so much skin he couldn’t make out much else. 

George hadn’t spoken in a minute, he looked torn and his mouth opened and unopened in a way that made Alexander sick. Alexander hated the goosebumps that rose on his arms when he tried his hardest to act as if he didn’t know why he was so disturbed. He hurriedly brushed through his now neat hair another time and moved to put his brush away and go back to his work at his desk, clearing his throat. 

“Yes, Dad?” He asked finally. He couldn’t deal with it. Couldn’t deal with not knowing if he was angry, if he thought Alexander weak or stupid or-  _ He couldn’t deal with not knowing _ . Charles was the same, never hinting at his next move. It felt like a constant war.

“Was this Charles?” George spoke quietly. Calmly. But Alexander saw his fists tremble at his sides and he didn’t like that at  _ all _ . 

Alexander could deny it. Or he could admit it. At this point, either option felt horrible. He didn’t enjoy lying to George but he couldn’t get Charles in trouble. He loved him far too much. George didn’t understand their relationship, he would react too harshly. “Uh,” Alexander didn’t know what to say, “Was what?”

George scoffed, “Don’t try that, Alexander. Was this Charles, or not?”

Alexander’s blood was pumping too loudly in his ears. Too loud, everything was too loud. He suddenly couldn’t bear looking at his foster father anymore and he turned to face his work with a small hum, “It doesn’t matter, Dad. Was there something you needed, when you came in?”

“I came to say goodnight to my son. But now there’s something that needs fixing. Because it  _ does _ matter, Alexander. Is that a yes?”

Alexander made the mistake of glancing at George and making eye contact with eyes holding brewing fury. “Can we please not talk about this,” he choked out, “It’s not important.”

“ _ God damn it _ , Alexander.”

“No,” he slowly said, and the lie ate at his lungs, “No. It wasn’t.” He tapped his pencil anxiously and winced at George’s silence. He felt like a child being reprimanded, he hated it. George knew. There was no way he believed Alexander. But still, he couldn’t admit to it. He couldn’t put Charles in that situation. 

“I want to help you, Alexander,” George breathed, “I love you, son.”

“I love you too, Dad. But there’s nothing to help with. I’m fine.”

George  _ also _ knew that Alexander wasn’t going to break on this. And so, feeling the most helpless that he ever had as a parent, he crossed the room to hug Alexander gently before whispering a  _ “Goodnight” _ , and leaving the room. 

Alexander cursed himself. 

Even the best parents needed support, sometimes. Where they found it, that depended on the parent. Some sought relief in alcohol-  _ incidentally creating more issues- _ and some found it in speaking to someone. Thankfully, for everyone, George always found himself more on the talking side. Which, he rarely did. Similar to his foster son, he’d never been the type to seek help. Too prideful. 

“Gil?” He found himself whispering into the room of his other foster child. The person in question was awake, and they flicked on the light next to them with a smile at the sight of their foster father.

“What’s up, Dad?” 

George moved to sit on their bed, looking at his hands for a moment. “Is Alexander safe?”

Lafayette’s smile fell. They looked almost lost for an answer. Their eyes grew nearly grim and they said with a mournful voice, “ _ No _ , Dad. I don’t think so.”

George buried his head in his hands and felt a tear slip down, his own father’s words seeping into his head-  _ “Men don’t cry, George.” _ \- but at that moment he couldn’t help it. Alexander wasn’t safe. Did he fail? Was this a sign that he hadn’t done his job? What did he do when he wouldn’t even admit to it? When he didn’t want the help he so longed to offer? 

“It’s not your fault,” Lafayette said as if reading their father’s thoughts, “Alexander… He doesn’t realize what he’d gotten himself into. We’ve all seen it, we’ve all tried to help. Even got the police involved. He ignored us all for nearly a month.” That was Alexander, for sure.

“Do you know… The extent of it? I mean, is his life in danger?”

Lafayette wrapped their arms around their father and somehow George felt no judgement, “It might be, I’m afraid. Charles… He  _ beats _ him at the smallest altercation, it seems. He forces Alexander to eat practically nothing. I don’t know much else. But it is likely even worse.”

George felt a small sob tear through his body.

“Until Alexander is open to help, I’m afraid… We can’t do much.”

The next day went surprisingly amazing despite the past night’s events. The group found themselves fooling around in the basement as they had nearly every night as teenagers, and everything felt like it was back then. It felt like all of a sudden they were back to when times were so simple, so easy.

It wasn’t, Alexander realized again, because his phone had just rung with a text from Charles and it was as if he had cameras on him.  _ ‘Miss you Lex. Hope you’re not with that Laurens kid. Remember who you’re with, Love’ _ . Either Charles had cameras on him, he thought with a shiver when he noticed that him and John were sat squeezed together on a small chair and playing some game on their television, or he was horribly astute. 

Either way, he laughed at whatever Hercules had just said and excused himself to the bathroom. And when he got back, if he sat further from John… Nobody chose to mention it. 

He knew that Charles’ threat would remain true, and he couldn’t let anything happen to John. He couldn’t and wouldn’t do that to him. 

Dinner was Alexander’s favorite that night- Mac’n’Cheese, ironically and begrudgingly similarly to his past enemy and now friend- and despite the hunger that almost ate away at him, he couldn’t eat more than half of his bowl. Charles’ look and his voice still rang loudly in his ears. Even though the other wasn’t here, he pushed away his bowl and joined back into the conversation, ignoring any worried glances he got. “So, Dad, how’s that news with the bill going?”

His foster father looked about ready to slam his head into the table at the mention of it, “Horrible. Frankly. Republicans are giving so much pushback… All because of the political parties division. Y’know, maybe if we’d stayed less divided- this wouldn’t be an issue. Let me tell you, this bill is benefitting to all parties. They’re plainly doing this because they disagree with my party. And I’m  _ moderate _ .”

They table snorted as his annoyed reaction. “Don’t even get started, George,” Martha sighed, “I’ve heard enough about it.” But she couldn’t hide her amusement. She just knew that eventually Henry Laurens was bound to come up, and he knew that John likely wouldn’t enjoy that very much. 

Henry Laurens was… Well, he’d never hit John. He had, however, pushed and nearly forced his son to take a path he wasn’t willing to. And by pushed, that meant manipulated and punished for John’s disagreeing with silent treatments and small mental warfare. That was enough for John to go down the Law path for about half a semester, before he was thankfully lucky enough to be able to switch. 

After dinner, they relaxed and retreated to Lafayette’s room. They plopped into their usual spots, Alexander on the yellow bean bag, Hercules sitting with Lafayette on top of him on the bed, and John next to Alexander on the pink bean bag. Lafayette sat silently, surprisingly, as they all spoke and joked, before they suddenly threw their phone to the side and exclaimed, “Truth or dare!”

Memories from  _ that _ night flashed into Alexander’s head and he blushed slightly. “Oh god, Laf. You’re addicted to that game, I swear.” John groaned. Hercules grunted in agreement and Alexander felt himself nodding with a laugh.

Lafayette gasped in fake offense, “That is because it’s an amazing game for when bored-”

“We were  _ all _ talking-”

“As we are now,” they glared at John, “So. I go first! Hercules, truth or dare?”

John and Alexander exchanged looks and rolled their eyes, already knowing Lafayette would say something like-

“Dare.”

“Hm… Give me a kiss.”

“Exciting, truly. I am so glad we played this game, Laf. My boredom is gone.” Alexander deadpanned. John snorted and fell back against his bean bag chair. 

“Fine, Alexander. Truth or dare?” Hercules said with a smirk.

“Truth.”

“If you had to get with anyone other than Lee, who?”

Alexander unwillingly and instinctively felt his eyes flit over to John for a second too long. He rolled his eyes and tried to cover it up, “ _ No one _ , dumbass. But Laf I’d be careful. Seems like Herc might have eyes for someone else.” Lafayette smirked in a way that told him they’d noticed his brief accident and Hercules had as well, if his smug look said anything. He cautiously glanced at John to see whether or not he’d noticed as well. He obviously had, because his face was bright red and he looked almost in disbelief. But Alexander  _ almost _ thought he saw a small smile. Something that resembled hope.

That was probably wishful thinking, he forced himself to believe. 

“Hey, Charlie?” Alexander asked into the phone as he brushed through his now wet hair and threw himself into his bed. He curled against his pillows and picked at his nails.

“What’s up, Lex?”

“Do you… Love me?” He’d been wondering this for a while. He wanted to know the  _ truth _ because what everyone else told him was beginning to take a toll at his thoughts. 

“Of course I do. Do I not tell you enough?”

Alexander winced and scrunched up his nose despite Charles not physically being able to do him any harm for how  _ ungrateful _ he was probably acting, “No, no. You do. I was just… Thinking.”

“Ah, I told you you’re better off not doing that, Love.”

Alexander snickered, “Shush. I was just  _ thinking _ because… I don’t know. You seemed a little bit angrier at me recently. I was just making sure.”

Charles was silent for a moment, and Alexander nearly sprinted back to Columbia just to beg for forgiveness when he spoke in a small voice, “Lex, I love you so much that I don’t think I’d know what to do if I lost you. If I lost you I think I might lose myself. I love you to the moon and back.”

Alexander felt his face burn red, “Charlie… I love you too. More than you think. You’re the best.”

“I… Please don’t leave me, Alex. Promise?”

Alexander’s door was open and he saw his family and his friends walking to their own bedrooms. He made eye contact with John right before the taller boy closed his own door and then said, “Promise.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only 2500 words for this (sorry :( )  
> buuuuut BIG P L O T D E V E L O P M E N T  
> lamslamslams a lotta lams  
> but also a lotta angst,,, like a lot   
> TW// PSTD, MENTIONED RAPE/NONCON, DOMESTIC ABUSE  
> love y'all feel free to drop comments :))

Alexander was lost. Well, really, he’d been lost for about 2 years. Lost and looking for help and once it was offered, unable to accept it. He could, he supposed. Hell, once he  _ had _ . But everyone knew how that worked out. A failed effort on his friend’s part and a less than fun month for him. Charles had been  _ pissed _ .

He distantly remembered Maria’s face. She looked so pained, and he remembered wanting to run back to her because he  _ knew _ that she was scarred. And he could see her breathing quicken and her fingers twist anxiously in her dress. But he couldn’t, because Charles had a tight grip on his wrist and was leading him to-  _ despite him not knowing at the time _ \- what would be the worst fucking night of his life. 

All because his friends were worried. 

He saw where they were coming from, genuinely. Because here he was limping back to his dorm and ignoring strange looks and blood was dripping from his nose and his face looked like he’d just gotten run over by a truck. His auburn hair was unkempt, as usual, but it looked knotty and tangled. It paired _well_ with his almost broken-looking blue eyes. He looked… Like a mess. He wondered, sometimes, if maybe his mother was looking down on him and if she were disappointed. She had to be, right?

The same Alexander Hamilton that was shipped off from some island in the Caribbean because his writing was  _ that _ good, pushed through what seemed like a million horrible and neglectful foster homes, and had somehow landed his way in an Ivy League college. And there he was. Bruised and bloody at the hands of his own boyfriend.

He got back to his dorm before he’d snapped out of his daze, opened the door and lumbered in without a second thought of whether or not Burr was in the dorm. Based on the lack of offended gasps, he wasn’t. His suspicions were confirmed when he sat on his bed, gave the dorm a once over, and promptly started to  _ bawl _ . 

He’d hated crying since he was younger. At least, hated when people saw it. Because he was supposed to be so strong, to move past all of the shit he’d gone through as a kid, and be this new person. He nearly cackled at the thought of what those police officers would say- the same ones who had questioned him as he stood in his cousin’s living room where he’d  _ hung _ himself and Alexander had found him and hadn’t shed a single tear- if they could see him now. ‘ _ Emotionless and apathetic’ my ass, _ he chuckled in his head. 

He closed his eyes as a sob tore through his aching body and tried to  _ think _ . He felt so helpless right now, Charles’ words running through his head. Because he hadn’t realized that that weird nice guy was  _ flirting  _ with him. Alexander was known to be oblivious. And where his friends would laugh it off, Charles had reacted differently. Very differently. 

_ “Such a fucking whore, Alexander.” Charles snarled at him. He looked at him as if he were trash. He kicked Alexander where he was crumpled and curled in on himself on the floor. Alexander heard something crack, but the other wasn’t done. He wouldn’t be done for a while.  _

And despite his best efforts, Alexander couldn’t help but feel himself get angry. Charles was treating him like shit. Complete, utter shit. And maybe… Maybe it was time he should do something. 

He was a moment away from sending a strongly worded text to one Charles Lee when his door slammed open. Similar to a few weeks before, John Laurens was suddenly barging into his room. 

Alexander immediately turned to face the other way, rubbing away his tears and ignoring the sting as he roughly palmed at his tears- and inadvertently bruises on his face. His nose, in particular, felt like agony. He could feel John’s hesitation from across the room. He wasn’t known to cry, unless at some angsty movie, and even his best friend didn’t know how to react.

He felt the bed dip next to him and an arm slip around his shoulders. For some reason, that broke the barriers held against his emotions because Alexander damn near exploded. Tears that had gone unshed for years too long were spilling out and he couldn’t find it in himself to stop them. He sobbed into John’s chest and felt embarrassment rip through him at the thought of crying to someone else, but he couldn’t stop.

John sounded damn near close to tears as well as he hushed him, “Alexander, it’s alright. I love you Lexi,” he pressed a kiss to the top of his head, “You’re safe. I’m so sorry, Lexi. Breathe.” Alexander noticed, as John said that, his breathing going at a speed he knew was likely considered hyperventilating. He gasped for air, and he was reaching and reaching but it seemed that air was nowhere to be found. 

He whimpered and tried to bury himself in the other’s shirt but he could feel John pulling him away and the first thoughts to go through his head were-  _ Fuck you messed up. Too close. Too close. Get out, Alexander. Get away. _ Alexander tried desperately to move away, but John had a gentle grip on him that told him that  _ no _ , he didn’t want him to leave. He looked Alexander in the eyes, a few tears slipping down his own face, and started to count. Alexander forced himself to follow, because he knew the sooner he did, the sooner he could go back to crying into John’s chest. He couldn’t bear to be seen like this anymore.

Painstakingly, his breathing returned to normal and he was left a trembling, crying, bloodied, and bruised  _ mess _ of a person. John didn’t seem to care much, and he pulled Alexander back into a soft embrace. He felt so safe and so warm. He didn’t want to move and he just wanted to feel safe like this for the rest of his life.

Unfortunately, there were more pressing matters.

“Lexi, what happened? I got a text from someone… Said you looked like you’d just gotten into a fight. Was it Charles?”

Alexander froze, and that was enough of an answer for John. Before the other could speak again, he insisted, “It’s fine. I’m sorry. I’m fine.”

“This isn’t fine. Lexi,” John held his hands and Alexander could hear the noise he tried to hold in, “Please. Just talk to me.  _ Please _ .”

And again, because John had this strange  _ effect _ on Alexander, he felt his restrictive nature fall. “I fucked up, Jack. And Charles was mad and he gets so  _ mad _ at me for the smallest things. I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything hurts and I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave him. I love him,” Alexander could’ve sworn he felt John’s hands squeeze his slightly harder, “I don't know what to do, Jacky. I just don’t know what to do anymore.” Alexander could hear how  _ pitiful _ he sounded but he couldn’t help it at that moment. He returned to sobbing quietly into the other, trying to convince himself that his silence wasn’t because Alexander had appalled him. 

“Lexi, this isn’t normal. Even if he gets  _ angry _ he has no fucking right to take it out on you. If I- If someone who  _ loved _ you, truly, was with you? They wouldn’t do anything even close to this. You deserve so much better, Lexi. You’re so smart and beautiful and lovely. You can do so much better. Why stay with him? You’re so perfect. You’re too perfect for an asshole like him.”

Alexander shook his head where he was pressed against John, “He loves me. He told me he does.”

John growled slightly, “ _ No _ , Alex. That’s not love. That’s abuse. I know goddamn well that there are a million other people out there who would love to date you and wouldn’t fucking  _ dream _ of laying one hurtful hand on you.”

Alexander scoffed softly, pulling away and looking him straight in the eyes, “Like  _ who _ , Laurens? Becau-”

“Holy  _ shit _ , Alex. Me!  _ I  _ would, Alexander. And even besides me. A million other people.”

Alexander went still, his eyes softening. He let out a small breath of disbelief. “You?”

John looked like he’d just revealed his biggest secret. His face was bright red and he was opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water. He really was out of his depth though, Alexander supposed. But… John wanted to  _ be _ with him. Like  _ date _ him.

Before he knew what he was doing, he’d leaned forward and all of sudden he was kissing John. John’s lips were as soft as he’d remembered from that night. John was still frozen where he’d sat, but Alexander quickly felt him reciprocate, moving to face him. He felt John’s arms wrap around his waist with barely any pressure and he tangled his fingers in the other’s hair in response. John was  _ also _ as good of a kisser as he remembered. Heat was rising in his chest, and he let out a small noise against John’s lips when the other nipped slightly at his bottom lip. He felt some smark, some feeling of underlying burning when they kissed. It was nothing like with Charles, because he could feel them moving in tandem and he didn’t feel pressured and overwhelmed. 

_ Charles _ .

John seemed to have remembered at the same moment, because they both retreated at the same moment. There was deafening silence. Thick, unresolved tension and silence.  _ A great mix, _ Alexander sarcastically noted.

“Fuck, fuck. I-I’m gonna go.” John was abruptly sputtering and moving to get up. His eyes were filled with panic and  _ regret _ , which sort of hurt Alexander. 

Before Alexander knew what he was doing, he’d grabbed desperately for John’s hand and pulled him until the taller man was basically lying over him and  _ this _ time… It was more than he could’ve hoped for, really. Because John kissed like Alexander felt- frenzied and desperate and  _ lost _ almost. Like he was lost and the only way to figure out where to go was through this. 

But the redhead still distantly knew that he couldn’t be doing this. Because  _ Charles _ . This was cheating. And didn’t that make him even worse than his boyfriend? Plus, John had looked so regretful when he’d pulled away. Did he… Not want this?

Similar to before, Alexander instinctively felt himself pull away. Before he could, John had eased his worries with a small noise. And regardless of the thoughts raging in his head, Alexander wanted this.

And  _ fuck _ , it’d been a while since he’d done anything he wanted.

John’s hands drifted a little lower on his waist, to a specific spot that as the pressure increased slightly he could remember someone else’s hands-  _ holding him down and hurting him _ \- but John seemed to catch on to the shift in atmosphere without him saying anything, because he moved back to where he was before. 

His body felt like it was on fire, and with John’s presence on top of him and the other’s hands  _ on _ him it was amplified. His nerves felt like they were vibrating with the way that he felt so hungry and satisfied at the same time. They were both running on some giddy euphoria, feelings that were buried for so  _ goddamn _ long. It felt like they all had to get out now. Like once the bridge opened and closed again, it’d never open once more. 

It was over faster than Alexander wanted, because despite the two of them feeling like they had all the time in the world for each other- The sound of the lock on the door, which neither could remember when it had been locked, twisting shot through the blissful ignorance. They jumped apart, rushing to straighten themselves out as the gravity of what they were doing settled over them. And what they  _ hadn’t  _ gotten to do, Alexander guiltily complained in his head. He wasn’t that upset, though, because making out with  _ John Laurens _ was something he’d never thought he’d have been able to do. Plus, for some reason he hadn’t been able to think about  _ anything _ past that without some… Memories bubbling to the surface. 

Burr opened the door nearly 7 seconds after they’d first noticed his entering, and he could definitely tell what had gone down. Because their lips were swollen and their eyes were guilty. And Burr wasn’t exactly stupid.

“Uh- Well. For the record… Bad idea,” Burr mumbled, clearing his throat, “But I’ll give you two some time to talk.” With the usual awkward smoothness of Aaron Burr, he’d grabbed a notebook and gone right back out the door. 

Again, silence. 

“Shit.” John finally said. 

Alexander nodded numbly in agreement, his recklessness just now fully hitting him. Charles was going to absolutely murder him. There was no doubt. There was a possibility he wouldn’t know, of course, but now Burr knew as well. And while he knew Burr was loyal, just the knowledge that what they’d done wasn’t so much of a secret anymore made him suddenly feel sick to his stomach.

“ _ Fuck _ . I’m sorry.” Alexander spoke, his voice cracking. He felt small when John looked at him carefully.

“Alexander, don’t be sorry.  _ I’m _ sorry. You have a fucking boyfriend. Asshole or not, I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t,” Alexander wrinkled his nose at the suggestion, “Take advantage of me. I consented fully,  _ trust me _ , and I should have thought ahead. I’m sorry. Fuck.  _ Charles _ .”

At the same time, in a tone that he couldn’t comprehend, John spat out, “ _ Lee _ .”

Nothing like that had ever happened to the two of them. In all of their years of being best friends, neither knew how to deal with something like this. How would they move forward? Did they acknowledge it? Did they ignore it? 

Of course, it wasn’t a spur of the moment thing. Because Alexander had had feelings for John, which he’d never admit, since  _ high school.  _ And despite the shorter man’s disbelief, John had as well. However, neither was going to tell the other. 

Thankfully, their friends tended to be able to read a room horribly, so they didn’t change their usual ways. They were their usual obnoxious and loud selves and when John looked across the room and made eye contact with Alexander, there was a small nod. A smile. 

And maybe he wanted more from what had happened… But both were plainly glad their friendship wasn’t ruined.

But  _ maybe _ it hurt just a little more when John saw Alexander kiss Charles. Because now that he’d kissed Alexander like  _ that _ , he’d never be able to forget it. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiii  
> theres not a lotta ppl that read this but yolo man ill keep updating  
> UH SO real angst man but like l a m s but like s a d lams  
> yknow  
> TW// DRUG USE, DUBIOUS CONSENT, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE, PLZ REMIND ME IF THERE R MORE  
> love u guys! feel free to drop a comment (dislike, like, idefk)  
> aight vibe out yall n be prepared for angst and overuse of italics  
> also for some reason when i use italics punctuation gets messed up but whatever

John Laurens had gotten into many fights in his lifetime. He was known for his short temper and violent attitude. His friends, being his friends, obviously knew this. And they didn’t necessarily want him to be in jail anytime soon.

Which is why, when they saw his bouncing leg and fixated glare directed toward Charles Lee, they knew they had to do something. Fast, as well, judging by the way he chugged his water and nearly crumpled it in his fist. 

“John, mon ami, can you help me with this?” Lafayette asked hurriedly. They gestured to their homework- that they did in fact understand- and crossed their fingers when they saw John’s torn look. 

It wasn’t like the rest of the group didn’t understand why John was mad. Seeing Charles Lee’s face, hearing him and his friends being dickheads, hearing them talk about Alexander as if he were some object… It definitely pissed them off as well. But, they understood from past experience it would do more harm than good by fighting the guy.

John didn’t. 

But, he contained himself for a few minutes to explain whatever common core question Lafayette had lied about not understanding, before abruptly switching his mood back to absolutely  _ fuming _ . Thomas exchanged a weird look with Lafayette, before turning back to John. They’d sat at the table in the food court with Angelica and James about twenty minutes ago. All was  _ swell _ , until they saw Charles’ friends sit at a table just close enough for them to hear every word they said.

“Hey,” Thomas muttered, “John. Calm down.” John turned to him with a harsh look, but huffed in resignation and turned back to his lunch. Thomas sighed at the peace, albeit knowing it was temporary, and returned to what they’d been talking about before. “Anyways, so what were you saying Jemmy? Something about-”

“ _ Fuck _ , oh yeah! Alright, so I heard that there was a rumor going around about that bill Laf and Alex’s dad is getting pushed. Apparently it’s being moved to get stalled.”

“Yep,” John grumbled, “My dad. I swear, if I have to keep listening to him ranting about Republican shit I might just end it.”

“That’s shit. I’m just hoping that the Green Bill doesn’t get dragged down with it.  _ Also  _ of course that Washington’s bill goes.” Thomas sent an apologetic shrug to Lafayette when they raised their eyebrow at him.

“Yeah, same. But honestl-”

“So you’re saying  _ that _ often,” they heard Reynolds say with shock, “No way. Damn, shocked with Hamilton.”

The group stiffened and stopped their conversation. They already got pissed anytime they heard Reynolds talk. Reasonably so, too. But this just made it worse. 

“ _ Unless _ ,” King suddenly cut in incredulously, “It’s how I think it is.” 

Reynolds gasped before chuckling, “Well if that’s not even better…”

Charles snorted at them, shrugging with a smirk that told them it was true. 

John just barely made eye contact with Seabury and noticed the kid give him a small shake of his head, before he was practically stomping over and punching Charles straight in the face. Thomas and Angelica jumped up immediately and went to either help John or pull him away. Depending on… The second Reynolds went to punch John, they knew. Angelica scowled and punched Reynolds in the jaw in retaliation.

This was  _ definitely _ now a fight.

In the end, no one had won. Because how could it be considered a victory when they were currently being lectured by Mrs. Washington? She had a slightly prideful vibe but her face and tone and  _ volume _ definitely meant she was mad. John, despite all of his anger, even found himself retreating into his chair.

“But, with all due respect, they  _ deserved  _ it. They talked about fucking raping him as if it were something fucking cool,” Lafayette basically screamed, as they jumped out of his chair, “I regret  _ not _ getting involved until after.”

Martha winced, “Gilbert, I understand. Trust me, I am just as enraged as you.” She took a deep breath and the group could’ve sworn her eyes filled with tears, but she blinked them away just as fast. “But there is nothing we can do. We’ve tried everything, Gil. And what’s worked? It just makes it worse. And violence is never the answer. If violence  _ was _ , Alex would’ve come here with us instead of with him. It makes it worse for Alex and for us.”

They knew  _ that _ was true. They fully suspected distance from Alexander for a week to a month. Or two. Hopefully the first. 

Maybe fighting wasn’t the right choice.

It definitely wasn’t, Alexander would’ve agreed. Because Charles was angry. He knew that the second he walked out of the building his class had been in and saw Charles standing outside of it waiting for him, leaned against his car. He would’ve felt happy, but he could see the set in his jaw and the bruise on his eye and his cheek and his furrowed eyebrows. He muttered a small excuse to Hercules and Eliza before rushing over to his boyfriend.

“Charlie, what happened?” Charles didn’t respond, he simply scowled and glared before opening the passenger door and striding over to the other door. Alexander gulped and got into the car hesitantly, sending his friends a final last wave. His heart felt like it was beating out of his chest, and he could basically smell the anger radiating off of him.  _ Here’s what you know _ , he thought,  _ He has a black eye. And a bruise on his cheek. So  _ what _ and  _ who _ happened? And he’s mad. So… What did you do? _

“Did I do something, Charlie? I’m sorry-”

“ _ God _ ! Alexander, not everything is about you! Just don’t fucking talk for the rest of the ride, will you?”

“... But, where are we going? I’m supposed to go to work-” He heard his voice crack when Charles stopped the car abruptly- _ thankfully on a deserted road but not for long, why wasn’t he driving- _ and turned to him, placing a tight grip on his thigh. 

“You’re not going to  _ fucking _ work today. And stop  _ fucking _ talking!” Charles practically growled. He squeezed hard enough to bruise before tearing his hand away and started to drive again. Alexander could hear the blood pumping in his ears at the pure fear that had just overtaken him. He shut his eyes and leaned against the seat, trying to ignore his panic.  _ What’s your boss gonna say? He’s gonna hate you. And you’re supposed to be working on that project with Thomas- _

At the mere thought of the other’s name, his phone chimed and he briefly glanced at it to see the group chat spamming something about  _ ‘fight _ ’ and ‘ _ Charles _ ’. He  _ really _ hoped what he had a feeling happened had actually happened. That would explain Charles’ waiting outside for him and how mad he was and-

The car stopped in front of a dorm building that he recognized but couldn’t place his finger on whose it was. Charles exhaled harshly before climbing out of the car and slamming the door shut. Alexander pulled subtly on his car door, but found it to be locked. Charles was still walking toward the dorm, not giving one glance to Alexander who waited nervously.

He grabbed his phone the second he saw Charles enter the building and the door close behind him, quickly going to the group chat.

  
  


**nonstophoe: what happened**

**freckles: why- did charles do smthn to u?**

**zerotohero: john started a fight with charles king and reynolds**

**macncheese: a reasonable one**

**alex r u coming into work??**

**nonstophoe: i cant make it td**

**why?? john u need to stop picking fights with them**

**freckles: i w a s n t . they deserved it they were saying gross shit abt u**

**imfrench: Not to back up John’s, how you say, ridiculousness, but yes. They deserved it.**

**angel: alexander they did, trust me**

**nonstophoe: i dont need u guys to defend me it wouldve been fine**

**lizard: Lex this was a completely different situation, from what I’ve heard, and they really did deserve it. Although I don’t condone the ways in which John decided to settle it. Ang and Thomas, you guys too.**

**pegme: lex r u ok?? is he mad again**

**nonstophoe: im fine hes not gonna hurt me or anything**

**freckles: hm**

**nonstophoe: but seriously guys. u know not to do that anymore. whatever they said wasn’t worth it**

Alexander’s head snapped up at the sound of the car door slamming open. Charles lumbered into his seat and fixed Alexander with a glare, his eyes drifting to his phone. He held a brown paper bag that hadn’t been there before. “Talking to Laurens, huh? Laurens, Angelica, and Jefferson?”

“Uh,” Alexander bit his lip, “Yeah. They said… They said you said something? And they like got into a fight with you over it?”

“Bullshit. Give me your phone.”

“Charlie, I-”

“Give me the  _ god damn _ phone, Hamilton!” Charles shouted and breathed heavily. Alexander whimpered quietly and shoved it into his hands, fear building in his chest. His friends were bound to have replied to what he’d said. What’d they say? Did they say something about Charles again? They must’ve.

They most likely did, because a moment later Alexander could just barely see Charles leave the group chat and  _ block _ all his friends individually, Alexander watching on in shock. Not before Charles had sent one last chat, reading what Alexander was nearly  _ sure _ was something insanely rude. He grimaced at the thought and tried to collect his thoughts.

“ _ Charlie _ can you please just explain?” Alexander choked out. Charles was still breathing harshly and fixed the steering wheel with a burning glare. He regretted speaking as soon as Charles turned to face him again. His eyes were filled with a passionate hatred and anger, but his face was eerily stone cold.

“Don’t talk to any of them. Not again. I’m not gonna put up with their  _ bullshit _ anymore,” he started the car and began to drive again to Alexander didn’t know where, “Talk to them one more time, and it won’t be pretty for any of you.”

He looked at Alexander expectantly, but  _ how _ could he just agree to not speaking to any of his closest friends, or his sibling, or his- “ _ Okay _ .”

Charles had eventually pulled over in front of his dorm building and had, this time, unlocked Alexander’s side and got up and stomped to the entrance. Alexander followed in a near daze, unsure of what was about to go down. They walked up the stairs and Charles practically tore his door off the hinges with the aggressive way he yanked the door open. He pushed Alexander to the bed and stared at him in near silence, the door shutting loudly behind him. Alexander winced at the force and averted his gaze away from Charles’ rough glare and forced himself to stare at the floor. 

“I’m done with you not listening to me. You think it’s alright to parade around, letting your friends  _ gang _ up on me and start a fight for no reason?”

Alexander yelled at himself to bite his tongue but, “They said you were saying ‘gross things’ about me. With King and Reynolds,” he whispered as he looked up to the other, “What’d you say?”

Charles went silent for a few moments, before scoffing, “You believe them over me? We’d made a few jokes. And that warrants them  _ punching _ me?” Charles looked at him like he was insane, as if he were the stupidest person to have walked the Earth. “You’ve got to be fuckin-”

“I never  _ said _ that. I just want to know what you said.”

In lieu of responding, Charles suddenly growled and grabbed Alexander by the hair and lifted him slightly off the bed, the redhead gasping in pain and shock. Charles threw him over to the floor, and kicked once at his ribs.

“Don’t fucking interrupt me, you  _ whore _ .” Alexander muttered a small apology, too busy curling in on himself with pain to genuinely reply. He rolled over to his side, but Charles had yanked him back up before he got a chance to breathe through the pain and ease it. He could feel  _ individual _ strands of hair being pulled out of his skull and he whined and begged to be let go.

Charles forced out a small laugh, “Look at you. Alexander  _ fucking _ Hamilton, a fucking scholar. Hm? What would your  _ precious _ Washington say now? Think he’d be proud? Seeing you beg for mercy on your knees like the  _ slut _ you are?”

Alexander clenched his eyes shut, but Charles didn’t seem to like that as he barked, “Look at me in the eyes!” Alexander repeatedly murmured  _ I’m sorry _ as the other kicked again right at his ribs and the air fell out of him. He coughed and gasped for air while Charles kicked him and punched him. 

“Talk to them again and  _ see _ where it gets you. If I find out you’ve even spoken a word to them, I  _ swear _ I’ll fucking murder you. They want you to leave me, Lex. Is that what you want? Wanna leave me?” Charles spat, looking his right in the eye. 

Alexander shook his head hurriedly, trying to speak but finding a lack of breath support to do so. Charles snarled down at him and let go of his hair for a minute, staring down at him while Alexander coughed. He could’ve  _ sworn _ he saw red in whatever copper-tasting substance had come out of him, but before his eyes could focus to tell, Charles had yanked him back up and he heard the telltale sound of metal being undone and a zipper and- 

“ _ Prove it _ .”

Alexander hadn’t had an easy two weeks since that event. Sure, Charles hadn’t done anything physical to him since then. It’d been all Alexander following him around like a lost puppy and dealing with his friends and  _ ignoring _ his own. 

They could tell, because every so often he’d catch small looks and hurt faces and he wished he could just tell them that he didn’t want to. But that also didn’t mean he wasn’t pissed at them. He had to believe Charles… And knowing his friends, it wouldn’t be a shock if they had started a fight for virtually no reason. But… Why would Eliza agree? She’d never been one to be like that…

“Yo, Hamilton,” Reynold interrupted his internal conflict amusedly, “How ‘bout you tell your fake mom to give me an A on that bullshit project she made us do?”

Alexander bit back a growl and shifted where he sat next to Charles, the other squeezing his hand gently, “I don’t know if I can do that, Reynolds.”

“That class sucks ass, man. I swear. It’s like every week there’s some new hard as fuck project. And she grades  _ so _ unfairly-” Alexander knew that was because she hated him- “I think it’s about time I reap the benefits of you dating my best friend.”

Alexander shifted his eyes to Seabury, who he’d been watching closely since he saw King looking angrier than usual when the pair had arrived and Seabury had a busted lip and bruised cheek. It wasn’t as noticable-  _ Seabury had always been better at makeup _ \- but Alexander could see through the foundation and carefully applied layers. Judging by the way Seabury was shrinking in his seat, he’d done something to piss off King. 

“Sure, Reynolds.”

Charles cleared his throat, saving Alexander. “Despite that, how about we go to my dorm for a little. Still got a little left from what I bought from Anderson a while back.”

_ Right _ . The brown paper bag. The party. The pill. Alexander had connected them a while back and realized with much frustration that he  _ couldn’t  _ express that he had taken ecstasy. Wasn’t exactly the best feeling knowing that Charles didn’t bother to tell him. He couldn’t take drugs. Not when he wanted to eventually join Washington in the political field soon. Because any loose ends are found in politics. That would not do very well for his career.

The rest of them, however, cheered and made their way to Charles’ dorm. Alexander briefly noticed his friends out of the corner of his eye and had only a moment to prepare himself before Lafayette and Eliza had approached the group. Alexander noticed, thankfully, that John, Hercules, and Peggy were still sitting at the table the pair had just left. Watching less than subtly.

“I need to talk to my brother.” Lafayette said with a look that everyone knew meant they  _ really _ didn’t even want to be speaking with these people in the first place. 

Charles looked angry, but he knew better than to prevent Alexander from seeing his own sibling. He eyed Eliza warily, but shrugged and muttered a small, “Be quick”, giving Alexander a stern nod that Alexander knew meant  _ ‘Watch yourself _ .’

Alexander assured him silently before walking a little ways off with the others. They didn’t go to the table, and Alexander couldn’t even express how grateful he was for that fact. 

“So,” Lafayette crossed their arms and fixed him with a concerned but angry glare, “What’s going on? Why are you ignoring us? What’s Charles have on you now?”

Eliza swatted them and sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose, “ _ Alex _ . We’re worried. What’s happening?”

“Nothing. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He said nonchalantly.

“You blocked us, left the group chat, texted  _ that _ ,” Alexander tried to hide his curiosity at what Charles had sent, “and have been ignoring us for the past two weeks. So please just explain” Lafayette sounded so tired, so exasperated. For a second, Alexander wanted to be honest. To spill about how he didn’t want to and that he didn’t even know what Charles had sent.

“ _ Alexander _ ,” Charles urged. His friends were talking impatiently and smirked at the redhead, who couldn’t help but glare slightly back.

“I have to go-”

“Alexander  _ please _ .” Lafayette urged. “I can’t just not talk to you. You’re my  _ brother _ . Please. I miss you. We all do.”

“Hamilton.” Reynolds had snapped, gesturing subtly to the brown bag. 

Alexander took a breath, “I’m sorry. I have to go.”

With that, he walked away and back to his boyfriend, who wrapped a tight arm around his waist and exchanged a glare with John, who Alexander knew he was likely silently debating with the entire time. He tried to relax in Charles’ grip, but he couldn’t because all he could hear was Lafayette’s voice- close to tears.

All because of him.

He’d left Charles’ that night feeling more energetic and lively than he had in awhile-  _ probably the drugs _ , his head helpfully provided. Ever since Charles had started getting bad, really he had been feeling tired and finished. But now? He felt on top of the world. Unstoppable. His mind was running at a hundred miles a minute, and in his euphoric state he felt his feet bringing him somewhere that his mind hadn’t quite caught up to. Once Charles had told him he could leave, of course. 

He found himself knocking at a door to a dorm, and in his blissful state he felt Charles’ rule drift away from his mind. Because the second he saw an exhausted and  _ for some reason dressed up-  _ he filed that observation away for later- John Laurens open the door, he squealed and hugged him tightly.

“Woah, Ham. What’s going on? Shouldn’t you be with your fuckin’ warden? Or ignoring me? Or that bullshit…”

Alexander pulled away, cocking his head but still as enthusiastic, “What? No. I didn’t  _ want _ to ignore you.”

John furrowed his eyebrows, “Your text said otherwise.”

“No,” Alexander giggled drunkedly, “That wasn’t me. I wouldn’t say that.”

Alexander looked into the dorm to see some boy sitting on John’s bed with a look of extreme confusion. He was dressed in a nice shirt, a nice pair of jeans, and-  _ Date clothes _ . Alexander bit his lip and looked up at the other. “Who’s that?”

John muttered a small, “ _ Excuse me _ ,” to the boy before closing the door. He crossed his arms and looked down at Alexander with a cocked eyebrow, “What do you want, Alexander? It came from your phone. Also, if you didn’t want to ignore me then talking to me wouldn’t be that damn hard.” 

“I couldn’t. And that was  _ Charlie _ . But, that’s not important. Are you on a date?” Alexander frowned, his mood shifting almost instantaneously. He couldn’t help but feel betrayal wash over him, mixed with a strange sadness.

John observed him silently for a moment. In utter disbelief, “What’s it matter to you?”

Alexander felt his frown deepen, “Well… You can’t.”

John scoffed and narrowed his eyes. “I can’t?”

“No. Because… I don’t know. You just  _ can’t _ .”

John rolled his eyes, “Sure. So what, you can go and date my enemy even though he  _ abuses _ you but I can’t date? Great, Alexander. Amazing.”

“Well-”

“No. No ‘ _ well _ ’. Because I’ve had to watch you for fucking years and deal with you staying with someone who treats you like shit. I’m done. If you don’t want to listen, whatever. But I’ve put my life on hold for you. To deal with you. So yes. I’m on a date. A date which I left to deal with this. So  _ please _ explain how selfish-”

Alexander interrupted him again by swiftly and expertly reaching up and pressing his lips against John’s. He tried to ignore the pang of the words, because that  _ hurt _ , and kissed him as if they weren’t in front of John’s dorm door right then. 

John reciprocated instinctively for a few moments, and Alexander thought that  _ maybe _ it was all fine, but then- “ _ Shit _ , Alexander.” John pulled away and ran his hand through his hair while he stared at some spot on the floor in shock. “You can’t just  _ do _ that! You can’t keep playing me. Not again. Because I’ve dealt with you and him for so damn long and I’ve  _ liked _ you for so damn long and you can’t just do this! I need to move on from you. And this isn’t fucking helping.” John turned to him and glared.

“John, please. I jus’ wanna have some  _ fun _ with you. What we did was fun before, wasn’t it?” Alexander tried. His voice, even to his own ears, was shaky, watery, and cheerful at the same time. He could feel his dry mouth and insane thirst so much more at the moment, the sensation increasing with the withering glare from John.

“ _ Jesus _ , Alexander. Are you… High? And drunk?” John wrinkled his nose at him - _ this time it didn’t feel endearing- _ “Fuck. Alexander, I can’t deal with this right now.”

“No, no, no. John, come one. I’ll do whatever you want. Y’can’t go on that date. What’ya wanna do? I suck you off, you can hit me,  _ please _ just don’t-”

“What the fuck.”

“Anything, please. Please, just don’t go back to that date. You can’t. I’ll let you do whatever you want to me,” at the lack of reply he felt himself begin to ramble, “Hit me, fuck me, I don’t care!” He stepped closer to John and looked at him, his violet blue eyes giddy somehow and his euphoria still reigning over him, “I’m all yours, John. C’mon. Just  _ have  _ me.”

John interrupted him with a shake of his head. “ _ No _ . Alexander, there’s nothing of you to  _ take _ ! Have you looked at yourself? You’re a pile of bones and you’re not even yourself. You’re Charles little fucking lapdog. You’re not my Alexander. So how am I supposed to ‘have you’? Even if I did, I’m not a fucking  _ monster _ . That’s not- Shit, that’s not normal. Tell me right now if you’d want to fuck tonight. Right now.”

Alexander stammered, his mouth opening and closing.  _ Truthfully _ ? He hadn’t felt like doing anything past kissing in a long time. Not since  _ that _ night with Charles. Not since he felt like he wasn’t even in control of his own body. Finally, though, he found his words.

“Of course-”

“Be  _ honest _ .”

“I- No. But, that doesn’t matter! I want you, John. I don't want you to go leave me for whoever that is. Please don’t leave me.”

John looked up to the ceiling for a long minute. “No. Because I’m done letting you have control over me and I’m done with whatever this is. I’m over it.” 

In a moment of panic, Alexander reached forward again and kissed John one last time- 

The taller boy gently pushed him away-  _ he’d never hurt Alexander. Never _ \- and stared at him with an unreadable expression, cupping his hand softly over Alexander’s cheek and pulling it away just as fast, before muttering one last “Oh, Lexi.” and leaving Alexander standing outside the dorm alone facing a closed door. 

Alexander wasn’t sure he understood what had just happened. The euphoria racing through his veins was suddenly mixed with a sense of dread and pain. 

Still, he found himself trudging back to Charles’ dorm, Charles giving him a grin that faltered when he saw the tears building up in his boyfriend’s eyes. Alexander distantly knew that Reynolds, Seabury, and King were still in the dorm, but he still stumbled onto Charles’ lap and straddled him, kissing him with a passion he didn’t remember having in him. Charles must’ve shooed the others away, the door closing with a slam and their whistles barely reaching Alexander’s ears.

He let Charles flip them over so his back was against the sheets and relaxed, closing his eyes and ignoring the tears that tried to spill over- Relaxing and letting Charles kiss at his neck and take off his clothes…

If John wouldn’t have him, Charles would.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoyoyo im back  
> had a lil loss of motivation but we back  
> overuse of dashes and italic as usual dwdw i havent changed  
> also i feel like im dragging the story out?? im j having sm fun writing it so i dont want it to end soon :((( so j drop a coment if i get t o o repetitive.  
> ok!!! comment if u guys can :) enjoy, hopefully!

Alexander hadn’t quite realized just how much he depended on John Laurens until now. Sure, he had Charles, Sam, and… Well, recently not many other people. Because Charles was still blatantly pissed about the fight and it didn’t seem like Alexander would be allowed to speak to his friends or text them for a little bit of time.

He missed Lafayette, too. And Hercules, Eliza, Angelica, Peggy…He felt himself smile a little when he read a text he’d just gotten from his George-  _ who he’d never let Charles block _ \- that listed details of some event for senators. As per usual, it did well to have a happy family tag along. Not that he hated them, exposure was great.

Plus, maybe he’d get away with speaking to Lafayette, Thomas, and John. Thomas more likely, because Peter Jefferson happened to be a close friend of George’s. John… Well, he could hope. Charles was coming with him, but he was sure the taller would realize that he couldn’t just not speak at a political event. 

He sent a quick text back, confirming he could go and mentioning briefly that Charles would as well. He knew his father wouldn’t be thrilled, and he really wanted to be mad about the lack of support. But, he couldn’t. Because he  _ also _ wasn’t that thrilled. He missed John.

He missed his voice, his freckles, his laugh, the way he was so touchy that Alexander had basically 12 John-Laurens-Induced heart attacks a day, and he missed… His  _ lips _ , of all things. Charles was wonderful. A great kisser, too. But for some reason kissing John just felt  _ different _ . Good different.

Guiltily, he peered at his boyfriend who had his arm thrown around him gently as he blabbered about some assignment. He nodded and laughed, trying to pretend he wasn’t deep in his thoughts.

_ One day _ . One day and he might just get to talk to John. 

As far as he remembered, he hadn’t spoken to John since before his fight with Charles. 

Alexander and Charles arrived at the party- if a room full of mainly straight, white, rich, men could be called a party- about 30 minutes late. Alexander was sporting newly concealed bruises along his neck and nose. He could only pray his decently developed makeup skills pulled through that night. 

Thankfully, if any of his family noticed it, they chose not to say anything. He awkwardly tugged down the collar of the plain suit that he was wearing as George led them over to a table to put down their coats. He saw a blurred figure out of the corner of his eye before all of a sudden his arms were full of an excited Frenchperson. 

“Mon petit lion!” Lafayette spoke hurriedly. They pulled away after a few seconds to grin widely.

“Laf, hi!” Alexander squeaked. Lafayette gave him no time to say anything else, as they began to babble over some new gossip they heard. That was Lafayette, wasn’t it?

Charles was making small talk with George, both of their expressions polite. He swallowed and turned back to Lafayette, “-No! I couldn’t believe it. Crazy, isn’t it?”

“Sure, Laf. Hey- Can we go grab a drink?”

Lafayette nodded and pulled their foster brother along over to the fancy and expensive looking bar. Charles watched quietly, but didn’t trail along and resumed the conversation he’d been having with George and some senator he forgot the name of.

“Hey, Lex? I didn’t want to say anything before, but- Are you okay?” Lafayette asked with a concerned look. 

Alexander forced a smile on his face, “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Lafayette nodded slowly, “Just because, I don’t know. You looked dazed. And you were late. You’re never late to these things.”

“Oh,” Alexander swallowed harshly, “Sorry. I’m good though. Hey, where’s John and Thomas?”

As if he’d suddenly summoned him, Thomas Jefferson approached them and grinned, “Getting drunk already? I know these things are miserable, but  _ standards _ .”

“Oh shush, Thomas. Not all of us are giving some speech.” Alexander snickered. Thomas rolled his eyes at him pointedly and then shrugged.

“Not like I  _ want _ to. I swear, my anxiety is through the roof right now. Kinda wishing I could just say fuck it and chug something.” He made sure to glance around if any senators could hear Peter Jefferson’s son talking about drinking underage, before sighing.

Lafayette ordered them all Shirley Temples, which they were sure the bar would have. Judging by the amount of children that ran around the fancy floors. Alexander took his gratefully, before turning and leaning against the bar to see the rest of the room.

He scanned the room for a familiar head of curly brown hair, freezing when his eyes landed on him. John Laurens was dressed in a suit similar to his, but the way he  _ wore _ it. It hugged the muscles on his arms as he giggled and held the hand of some girl- Wait. He narrowed his eyes, poking Thomas’ arm and interrupting whatever he’d been rambling about. 

“Who’s that?”

Thomas looked confused before following Alexander’s gaze and letting out a small noise of laughter. He turned the shorter man to look away, “Staring is weird, Alexander. Jealous?” 

“What- No!”

“I’m kidding, relax. That’s Martha Manning. John’s dad’s friend’s daughter. Didn’t you hear? John’s dad made him come with her. He says that he’s accepting but he doesn’t know if everyone else will be.”

“ _ Please _ ,” Alexander snorted, “That’s bullshit. And it’s not fair. Mean to John and that poor girl. She probably thinks something’s gonna happen. What a way to crush her spirits after making her hopes die once she finds out the truth.”

“Okay. A, were you not listening to what I was telling you before? I told you about this. And B, Martha is a lesbian. Also,” Lafayette said, their tone turning suggestive, “Sounds like you think our Dear Laurens is a dream-boy, hm?”

“That’s- That’s not what I meant. Just… John’s... Y’know what? I don’t have to explain myself to you.” But Alexander couldn’t disguise the relief plain on his face that the relationship was not only unrequited on John’s side, but Martha’s as well.

Speaking of the other, John was suddenly next to Thomas and lacking the same blinding- and  _ fake _ \- smile he’d had before when speaking to all of those senators. “I’m gonna shoot myself. I hate these things.” He deadpanned.

Okay, Alexander was now dead. He’d nearly thought he had been hyping John’s voice up in his head after so long of not hearing it, but nope. His memory was completely correct. John’s voice flowed like honey, deep and with a southern accent that made his heart melt.

John was laughing, and when his eyes met Alexander’s- who hadn’t noticed he was staring and quickly averted his gaze to the floor- he stopped just long enough for only Alexander to notice it, before snapping back to normal. Alexander couldn’t place his finger on  _ why _ John had acted like that, but he distantly remembered something… A reason John might be acting as weird as he was, not having acknowledged him yet. 

He wasn’t sure, though. 

Charles must’ve received some sort of signal from the gods that John had come within three feet of Alexander, because all of a sudden he was present next to him. Charles’ arm slid around Alexander’s waist, making the other’s face heat at the possessive action. Charles and John studied each other for a moment as Thomas practiced his speech in front of him, before returning their gazes to Thomas.

“- I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just fake sick again,” Thomas groaned.

“Not again. That was so bad! C’mon man, you can do it” John tried to assure him as he patted his back softly. Martha was still next to him, making eyes at the female bartender who returned her looks just as eagerly. Alexander smiled softly, nodding in agreement to what John had said.

Charles took Alexander’s hand, muttering something to him about George requesting him. Alexander dropped his shoulders sadly, waving a goodbye to his friends who hadn’t spoken to him in about two weeks now and let Charles lead him to his foster father.

George was speaking to a senator from Maryland- Lillian White, Alexander remembered- and beamed when he saw Alexander. “Alexander! This is Lillian White, I’m sure you remember her.”

“Of course! How are you?”

“I’m great, Mr. Washington,” Alexander held back a wince at the mistake, “I was just talking with your father here about a summer internship program at the White House I’m helping the president with. Your father recommended you. And judging by some things I’ve heard of you in the past and your Columbia schooling- You sound like a great fit! Care to talk about it more?”

Alexander’s heart stopped with his excitement and he contained his squeal, “Yes, that sounds amazing.”

George looked at him with a proud look, Charles smiling proudly at his boyfriend as well. Alexander went with Mrs. White over to another table, leaving behind his father and Charles. They were fine, he was sure. They were both amazing at faking politeness. 

By the bar, John scowled. “You guys think Washington really needed Alexander or did he just notice I was with him?”

Thomas looked at him strangely, “ _ Alexander _ ? If I didn’t know you two better, I’d say you guys were angry with each other.”

“Yes,” Lafayette added, “I noticed that as well. You didn’t even greet him when you saw him. Something going on, Laurens?”

John’s mind briefly flashed back to Alexander’s lips on his and his hands in his hair and John’s- “Oh, nothing. Just a  _ little  _ peeved with his boyfriend.”

“I’d imagine. Guy’s a dick from what I’ve heard.” Martha snorted into her glass of coke. John nodded, a rant already building in his throat.

“ _ Yep _ . He’s less of a boyfriend and more of a fucking owner. He treats Alexander like he’s just some good piece of ass and  _ fuck _ when I tell you that-”

“John, need I remind you we’re at a senator event.” Lafayette reminded him. Their eyes were bright with amusement, though. And they didn’t disagree with anything their friend had said, albeit the painful feeling it brought in their chest at the notion of ‘ _ Owner _ ’. Alexander couldn’t be owned. Well, not the old Alexander. This one… Was different.

Rather than reminiscing on what had been, Lafayette pushed the thoughts out of their head and laughed as John glowered and glared over to where Charles was, Martha rolling her eyes.

“John, we get it. You’re in love with Alexander. But you’re supposed to be my boyfriend and I don’t want my dad being associated with someone starting a fight at a-”

John stammered, “Wh-What? I’m not. In love with him.”

Thomas choked on the water he’d been drinking when Martha said that, “Well, well, well. Can’t say I’m shocked. But to hear it out loud just feels more satisfying.”

Lafayette was frozen for a few moments, before they smirked slyly, “Got a boner for my brother, Laurens, huh?”

John moaned exasperatedly and rolled his eyes. “See, this is why I hate senator events. Can’t even get hammered to deal with you guys.”

“Surprised you didn’t, anyways.” Martha remarked with an innocent shrug when John nudged her.

Alexander was more glad than ever that he’d come to an event like this. He had just finished speaking with Mrs. White, who officially gave him her business card and told him to free up his summer schedule. He strided with newfound excitement back to Charles, who was waiting for him while talking to some guy. Charles dismissed himself from the conversation when he noticed Alexander. 

“ _ Well _ ?”

“I got her business card! And she said to free up my summer!” Alexander basically cried. Charles grinned and hugged him tightly, pecking his lips just enough that was mannerful.

“I’m so proud of you, babe. I’d say let’s celebrate but…”

Alexander briefly saw a senator glare at the two kissing before they noticed Alexander looking and gasped, turning around and rushing away. He ignored that. “I- I can’t believe that just happened. At the White House! I mean, sure, my dad could always get me in. But this wasn’t even completely through him! Although… He did suggest me. Y’know what? Who cares!”

Charles chuckled, “I know. ‘s a shame I won’t have you to myself this summer, though.”

Alexander frowned, thinking for a moment. “I’ll visit you whenever possible. God, I’m dead. I think I’m genuinely dead.”

They heard someone clear their throat and turned to see Thomas standing at a podium on the platform in the middle of the two grand staircases that branched off. He started to speak, and Alexander made eye contact with him and mouthed,  _ ‘You got this, arrogant bitch!’  _ as best he could, which made Thomas smirk, before he wiped it off his face quickly.

He really was glad they’d become friends. Thomas was irritable at moments, but so was he, he supposed. He also was a great friend. He was slightly protective, really shy, and hilarious. His dry humor that used to piss Alexander off to no end slowly became one of his favorites.

He’d been so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t notice Charles leave him to talk to the same guy-  _ brown hair, green eyes, and looked around their age- _ and that he was alone in the crowd. Feeling slightly out of place, he scanned the room for his friends. The second he spotted them, he subtly and quietly walked over. People were still murmuring conversations, which he thought was slightly rude, but he knew that Thomas wouldn’t even care. He never cared much for all the speeches he had to do.

They greeted him with a silent nod, John- who stood next to him- just looking at him for a secord before turning back to face Thomas. Anger and confusion filling him, Alexander decided he’d get to the bottom of  _ that _ tonight. He bit his lip nervously and tried to remember what that slight memory he had was, but couldn’t.

Abrupt clapping filled his ears and, seeing his chance, he grasped John’s arm gently and led him away from the crowd and after looking around, into a close closet. Ignoring John’s retorts the entire time, because if he really tried he’d be able to get out of Alexander’s grab on his arm. 

Pulling John into the closet and shutting it behind, Alexander took a breath. He stared at John expectantly.

John arched an eyebrow, “What.”

Alexander scoffed in disbelief, “Don’t ‘what’ me, Laurens. Explain.”

John gestured for him to continue, still acting confused. Alexander glared at him, but John just shrugged.

“Okay, stop acting like a 5 year old. You’re ignoring me. Why?”

John’s jaw dropped and he exhaled sharply, “Really? Why?”

“Yes, really. Why?”

“ _ Why _ ?”

“If I hear tha-”

“You’ve got to be-”

“I’m not. What the fuck did I-”

“What do you do? Seriously?”

“Yes seriously.”

“I’m done-”

“No-”

“Yes-”

They shot ‘yes’ and ‘no’ back and forth petulantly, John growing increasingly frustrated.

“Holy  _ fuck _ Hamilton! Would you fucking shut up!” He suddenly yelled as he threw his hands up in the air. Alexander’s mouth snapped shut in shock and fear coursed through his veins as he flinched so hard he was sent into the wall behind him. Thankfully the closet was pretty small, so the impact didn’t hurt that much.

“Shit, Alexander. I’m sorry. Are you okay?” John reached forward to touch him but Alexander flinched again and tried to make himself smaller before his hand reached him. “Lexi, hey. Look at me.”

Alexander looked up and John slowly put his hands down, looking him in the eye.

“Calm down, Lexi. I’m not gonna- I’d never hurt you.” John’s voice was full of pity and sadness, Alexander flushing red.

“I don’t need your pity, Laurens. Whatever, I’m fine. Could you- Can you just tell me now?” Alexander stood up straight, put up his chin, and kept eye contact to try and reprieve whatever dominance he’d originally had when they entered the room, that he’d lost when he shrunk in on himself in submission.

“It’s not pity, Lexi. But do you seriously not remember?” 

Alexander shook his head, brushing his hair behind his ears. John looked at him for a few moments, silently and in shock. He looked to the ceiling and picked at the cuffs of his suit as if he were contemplating telling Alexander.

“I don’t even know where to start, Alexander. You- Do you realize that I…” John went silent, stopping himself before he said something that he would regret.

“What did I do, John?”

“I mean, I guess I get why you don’t remember. You were obviously on  _ ecstasy  _ and fucking hammered.”

Alexander blanched, panic rising in his throat, “I- I’ve never-”

“I’m not dumb, Lexi.” John stopped him. They looked at each other without saying anything and examined the other. John bit his lip, starting again after a few moments. “I was on a date and you were at my door and you kissed me and you got  _ mad _ because I was on a date? And then you said…”

“What’d I say,” Alexander said with a flat voice. He kissed John  _ more _ ? And got mad when he was on a date? 

“You said I could do anything to you. You fucking- You said I could  _ rape _ you, Lexi. That I could have you. And said that I can’t date.”

Alexander tried to defend Charles, claiming that he’d never done anything to him and trying to convince John he was just high- but John just shook his head. 

“No, Lex. Don’t lie. I could tell that he did. The fact that… The fact that you think that letting me do whatever I wanted to you is a healthy way to solve issues is just…”

Alexander averted his gaze to the door, gulping and nearly making a move to escape before he felt a hand softly wrap around his wrist. “No, don’t leave.”

Nodding slowly, he finally spoke again after finding his voice. “Well, that’s why you're mad? Because I- Because Charles-”

“No. No, that’s not why I’m mad. Fuck, Lex. That’s not your fault. I’m mad because you said I couldn’t  _ date _ . Do you realize how- how long it’s taken me to let my friends set me up? How many people I’ve turned down just because-” John abruptly stopped his sentence.

“Because what, John?”

“Because everytime I would go on dates, I couldn’t get you out of my head,” his voice sounded nearly broken, “And I’ve had to watch you go out with him, watch him abuse you and rape you. And I just keep thinking how much  _ better _ I’d treat you. How fucking unfair this is. And the first time I saw someone again, you did  _ that _ . And now I’m back right where I was before. I- You can’t keep playing with my feelings, Alexander. It’s not fair.”

Alexander fought back a blush at his confession and tried to resist spilling how much he felt the same. How  _ he _ couldn’t stop thinking about kissing John, about dating John, about loving John. “I’m… Sorry. I didn’t think-”

“You didn’t think what? That I loved you? That even after kissing you, making out with you, watching the fucking stars with you, fighting someone for you- that I wasn’t in love with you? God, Alexander.”

Alexander whimpered, grabbing John’s hand and building up the courage to say, in an ever so small voice- “ _ I love you too _ .”

John was silent after Alexander spoke, and in a panic Alexander looked up- only for John to lean down and capture his lips again in a searing kiss. Alexander made a small noise of surprise, before reciprocating just as passionately. Before he knew it, he was against the wall with his hands in John’s hair and John’s hands on his cheeks. 

John pulled away panting, Alexander whining as the taller spoke, “Do you mean it?”

Nodding and kissing him shortly again, “Yes. I love you, John Laurens.”

Content with that, John locked their lips together again and didn’t pull away for the next five minutes.

Until…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> j to mention, bc i never mentioned how the appearance shit works, uhhh here u go. i accidentally mixed it. i love all looks equally but it kinda j happened so i went w it) this is how i imagine the story tho:  
> ham: historical  
> charles: kinda made it up (dark hair, tan, blue eyes)  
> maria: historical  
> i realized after starting this everyone else is musical  
> whoops im sorry im j obsessed w historical ham im vv sorry


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi ok um  
> writers block is a bitch  
> but i got 1997 words out!!!!!!  
> idk guys :(( i can't figure out the plot  
> some help in the comments? suggestions or stuff? idk having trouble  
> thanks though if you're still reading this :))) means a lot <333  
> lifes just been sucky lately :(((   
> love u all tho!!! hope this is half decent im kinda out of it <3  
> shit this isnt my best hahahahaha i j read through it  
> most i can offer rnnn tho sorry love u kk byebybe

The door slowly opened to reveal Thomas Jefferson, who gasped. John shot off of Alexander and the redhead tried to fix his disheveled appearance and  _ leave _ , but then Thomas was talking- “I won’t tell anyone.” Which, thank  _ fuck _ . Now Burr and Thomas knew. Fuck. 

John ran his fingers through his hair and cursed, “Shit. Thanks.” 

The pair quickly fixed how they looked while Thomas was rambling over how irresponsible they were, and how they should keep it in their pants while the other two glared at him.

“Don’t shoot the messenger, Alex, but Lee wants you. Says he’s ready to leave.”

Nodding and trying to ignore the sad look on John’s face, Alexander moved to leave the closet with a final spare smile to the taller boy. 

Sitting with Charles in the car ride home didn’t feel the same. Not after he knew John  _ loved _ him. 

Alexander really did understand that what he was doing was wrong. It was  _ cheating _ and Charles had been so good, so sweet and gentle lately. It had been roughly a month since Charles had hit him, punched him, done anything to him. But that didn’t stop him. He couldn’t help but feel guilty, because he was sure that Charles would be ruined.

Nevertheless, that couldn’t explain why he was nearly sat on top of his best friend, kissing him with more passion than his entire relationship with his  _ boyfriend _ ever had. John’s hands were tangled in his hair and his lips were against his.

He pulled away for a second to glance at the clock, realizing it was about five minutes before Burr would get back from his class and they were set to meet their friends at the cafeteria. He sent John a small smile and smoothed his hands over his clothes with a sigh. John cleared his throat, making the redhead turn to face him.

And  _ holy shit _ . John’s pupils were blown wide, his hair a wreck- Alexander always loved playing with it-, and his lips were slightly swollen. “Lex, not that I don’t love doing this. Because trust me, I do. But…” John bit his lip. “What’s going on? Like, with Charles and then  _ this _ ?”

Alexander froze for a moment. This was the exact conversation he was dreading. He took a moment to answer and shrugged slightly, playing with a strand of John’s hair as he thought. “It’s just… I don’t know. I love Charles. But I also love you. And I really like doing this with you. Do we have to decide what it is?”

“I mean,” John started with a scoff, “Kind of? Just because, I don’t know. Actually, nevermind. Whatever. It’s fine.” John got off the bed and Alexander watched incredulously. He pulled his shirt back on that had been thrown onto the floor and Alexander would forever deny that his mind became slightly distracted from the conversation at hand.

“That doesn’t sound like it’s fine.”

“Jesus. I said it’s fine. Now c’mon. We have to go meet Laf and Herc and you know how they are about being late.” John denied dismissively. “Ready?”

Alexander nodded dazedly and got up, following the other out the door with a grin and a wave to Burr, who they saw just about to enter the dorm. Burr rolled his eyes but said nothing.

“You two are late! Where were you?” Lafayette scolded. They sent Alexander a questioning and calculating stare, making the receiver chuckle and muss up his foster sibling’s hair.

“Relax, Laf. It was only 5 minutes.”

“You could’ve been  _ dead _ , mon petit lion. And Johnathan-”

“Not my name.”

“You were supposed to be here about ten minutes early. You promised you’d help with my homework.” Hercules cut in before Lafayette could continue overdramatically. He looked at the pair strangely, like he’d just figured out exactly what they’d been doing and why they were late and looked less than together. 

Alexander glanced nervously at John, who smoothly covered up with an apology and then changed the topic. Sighing, he relaxed into the chair next to John, across from Lafayette and let the worry that had just set over him dissipate.

“So, guys.” Hercules spoke before jabbing a finger into Lafayette’s side when they stole a fry from his tray. “How’d you do on that essay for Adams?”

Alexander felt the color drain from his skin. See, normally even Adams would give him high grades because he wrote  _ extremely  _ well. However, he could still vividly see the sly grin that Adams had when he handed back Alexander’s 56. The beginning and first two pages were unmarked, perfect. But he could remember exactly why the ones following were basically covered in ink. 

Charles had been a little  _ upset _ that day, and invited Alexander over. The redhead arrived with his work in hand and ready to finally complete the assignment that his friends had forced him to put off in favor of sleep because  _ “You have two weeks, Alex.” _ but unfortunately Charles had snapped at him rather quickly due to him having… Other plans for the couple. 

The trio was staring at him expectedly, already having exasperated looks when Alexander would say he got some amazing grade. Alexander sank slightly into his chair, biting his lip. “I- Uh, didn’t do that well.”

“ _ Sure _ you didn’t. A 96 isn’t bad, Alex. For the last time.” John scoffed. Hercules nodded, prompting. 

“Nope, not a 96. A  _ 56 _ , actually.”

Lafayette spat out their water, thankfully away from Alexander, and choked. Any other college student, really, and this wouldn’t be shocking. Everyone gets bad grades once in a while. Not Alexander. 

There was silence for what felt like too long. Alexander awkwardly sipped at his seltzer and tapped his fingers on the table. Finally, Hercules spoke up.

“Oh.”

Joining in at the other’s lack of words, John said, “That’s not  _ that _ bad.”

“No, it’s fine.” Alexander snickered. “It’s horrible.”

“Well it  _ was _ Adams.”

“Adams doesn’t take points off because he hates me, though. I was just distracted. It was one of my ‘self care is needed’ weeks according to the Schuylers and Charles didn’t want me to work the night before.” Quickly seeing their angry looks, Alexander added a lie. “Only because I looked tired.”

John stood abruptly, walking over to the bathroom without a word. Alexander scrunched his nose, “I’ll go see what that was about. Anything new with his dad?” The other two shrugged in response, so Alexander rushed to the bathroom. He slowly opened the door, cautiously. John stood by the sink and was staring at his reflection, his face wet. Alexander chewed at his bottom lip and cleared his throat. The taller boy didn’t turn, making eye contact with him through the mirror before shutting his eyes.

“Are you-”

“I can’t… Hear you talking about him. Lex, I’ve waited so fucking long to act on my feelings. I’ve had these for literal years.  _ Nearly _ a decade. And now all of sudden you’re with my enemy and you only met him a few years ago. It’s not fair. I can’t help but feel like I just… Lost my chance. Like I’m too late. Missed out.”

Alexander wrung his hands out, stepping forward and turning John around gently and kissing him gently. “Hey.” he said softly. “None of that is true. You didn’t. It’s just complicated? Because there’s Charles and then there’s…” he kissed him again shortly, and then added, out of breath, “ _ You _ .”

“What if it was  _ just _ me?” John sharply turned around and ran his fingers through his hair. “I  _ told _ myself after the first time that I wouldn’t set myself up for failure.”

“This isn’t failure, Jacky-” Alexander muttered with a chuckle.

“Yes it  _ is _ , Alexander! This is failure, because I’m not fucking  _ with _ you. I’m like your fucking-” John wrinkled his nose cutely. “ _ Mistress _ , or something. Side piece. Not your boyfriend. And I hate it. I hate that.”

Alexander stopped, the silence that followed John’s outburst shocking him to reality. He wanted to date John. But he also wanted to date Charles. “I don’t know what to say.”

John scoffed, before whirling back around and looking at Alexander with some newfound passion in his eyes. He carefully backed Alexander against the wall behind him, the other making a small noise in the back of his throat. Bluntly, suddenly, he kissed him passionately and roughly. Somehow, though, Alexander couldn’t help but melt against his hands that wrapped around his waist. Throughout all of their recent endeavors, John had never kissed him like  _ this _ . It felt like all of his emotions were pouring through this one embrace. It was the perfect mix of rough and sweet and Alexander felt a small amount of guilt in his gut. 

Then, because John was full of surprises, he pulled off and away and walked out the door. Alexander could basically  _ see _ flames coming out of the fuming boy’s ears. Left alone, he exhaled with disbelief and clenched his eyes shut, thinking.

Lafayette  _ knew _ something was going on. They could see it in the way that John left the bathroom that Alexander had entered almost ten minutes before with anger radiating off of him, and his shirt and lips mussed and swollen. Especially when Hercules left them hurriedly and with a small peck on the cheek, chasing after John. And even more when Alexander came out of the bathroom a minute after John did, his face bright red and lips in a state suspiciously similar to John’s. 

Alexander walked back to the table he was currently sitting at  _ alone _ and abandoned at, plopping into the chair previously occupied by Hercules with a huff. Lafayette sent him a raised eyebrow. 

“Uh.” Alexander replied dumbly. “Stuff. Y’know.” 

Lafayette narrowed their eyes, suddenly gaining an understanding look. “You and John just kissed.”

Alexander shot up in his seat, looking around with panic and then shaking his head. “ _ No _ , of course not. I’m with Charles, Laf!”

Lafayette shook their head. For such a smart kid, Alexander couldn’t lie to them. “No. You kissed. Is this a one time thing?”

Alexander gasped defensively, before letting down the act at Lafayette’s deadpan look in response. Sighing in his hands, Alexander pulled their foster brother to stand up and led him back to his dorm while ignoring the other’s protests.

Finally, when they arrived, Alexander spoke. “We couldn’t talk about it there-”

“Does Charles have  _ spies _ ?”

“But… I’ve been dying to talk about it. But you have to swear not to tell.” Lafayette nodded solemnly. “Only you and Burr and Thomas know. Both of the others were accidental. We’ve just-” Alexander groaned. “We’ve been fooling around, I guess.”

“Like…  _ Fooling _ around or fooling around?”

“Nothing past 8th grade making out, don’t worry. But like, we’ve said I love you and I mean we both admitted to having feelings but then Charles. But then  _ John _ .” Alexander shook his head and collapsed into his bed and shoved his face into one of his many pillows. 

“You love him.”

“ _ Yep _ .”

“And he loves you.”

“Mhm.”

“But you also love Charles.”

“Yes.”

“ _ Fuck _ , petit lion. Well, what does dear Laurens think?”

Alexander wrinkled his nose, “That’s actually what we just argued about. He says he wants to date. And I mean, I do too. But I can’t. Because I also wanna date Charlie.”

Lafayette’s face suddenly grew stern and serious. “You can’t do this. You need to choose. It’s not fair to either of them. Although, Charles does deserve it.” Alexander shook his head and opened his mouth to disagree. “But nonetheless, you have to choose. Who do you want? Because you  _ know _ that cheating isn’t smart. So who do you really want?”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's this? a fast update??  
> TRIGGER WARNINGS STAY SAFE---  
> MOST GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF RAPE SO FAR  
> CHEATING  
> REALLY TOXIC JOHN  
> LIKE JOHN IS REALLY BAD IN THIS IM SORRY
> 
> stay safe guys!!! but yeah- cheating, asshole john, lotta crying

Summer nights were hot, humid, and coming quickly. Alexander sighed and brushed the bead of sweat that was rushing fast from his hairline. Taking another drink of the water that he had clutched in his hand, he noticed out of the corner of his eye someone heading his way. He grinned at the sight of him, and waved.

“Alex!” 

“Hi, Charlie! How was your retreat?”

Charles had been gone for about a week or two, at some retreat for the top of the degree- _Business, Alexander knew, so he got him a stuffed animal with a bow tie and a suit_ \- that he was going for. It’d been a rough while waiting for him, what with the what _seemed_ repetitive fact that John was ignoring him and his friends had passive aggressively been forced to pick sides. And maybe Alexander had pushed them away. But that was beside the point.

Charles ran to hug him, picking his boyfriend up and spinning him around- Alexander seemed light, lighter than before- and laughing brightly when Alexander squealed. Pushing gently out of his boyfriend’s arms, Alexander leaned up and kissed him. Charles placed his arms around his waist, moving his hands a little lower and Alexander letting out a small gasp in response.

“Charlie, we’re in public!” He said with a giggle. Charles kissed him deeply.

“I know,” he started with a grin, “But I’ve missed you so much!” Charles leaned down to whisper in his ear, “And I haven’t gotten laid in two weeks!”

Alexander swatted playfully with a small eyeroll, “Okay, okay.” Did he want to do anything? No. For some reason he still felt so fucking strange about having sex. It just didn’t feel the same. Didn’t feel right. 

Charles grasped his arm- _a little harder than Alexander was expecting, but that was alright_ \- and pulled him into the coffee shop that Alexander had been waiting outside of. Charles brought him over to their seat, the one they’d been going to for what felt like forever, and sat them across from each other with a soft smile on his face.

“Anything new? Two weeks was two long…” Alexander thought he saw something twist in Charles’ face. Guilt, maybe? He decided to ignore it, but made sure to take note of it. 

“Ah, nothing. What about you?”

Alexander wrinkled his nose. He did _not_ want to talk about the past two miserable weeks. “‘Nough about me. You just went to a retreat for the _top_ of your degree! Who was there, what’d you do?”

“A couple of friends. Josh, Adam,” he retreated his voice to a mumble, “ _Coop_. We just learned some stuff, worked with a couple of CEOs. It was really fun.”

“Coop? Did something happen with him? You didn’t sound too happy?”

“No, Alex.”

“Are you sure because it _sounded_ like-”

“Shit, Alexander, I said nothing happened!” Charles suddenly shouted. Alexander froze at the outburst and flinched, glancing around to see that only a few people turned their heads, thankfully. 

“Oh, um. Sorry, babe.”

Charles put his head in his hands and sighed, then looked at him with a forced smile. “No, it’s fine. Sorry. What, uh, are you sure nothing new?”

Alexander blinked at the mood change. “Not really. I mean Adams was being a little bit of a dick. And I guess there’s some stuff with my friends. Not really talking to me. But it’s okay. Because you’re back.” Alexander held his hand across the table. 

Charles’ face was unreadable. “Yeah, of course. All you need is me, baby.” He squeezed Alexander’s hand lightly and then turned to the menu. “Here, I’ll treat us. Order whatever.”

Alexander tapped his fingers impatiently on the desk in front of him, waiting for class to end with a twitching eyebrow. Adams seemed to say everything at him, like it was mockery that _he_ was above him, teaching him. He scowled at the thought of him being his superior, and relaxed with his arms crossed into his seat. Charles sent him a smirk and an eyeroll, already knowing what his boyfriend was thinking. 

Alexander knew who was behind them, probably staring and probably hating him because of what he did to John. It wasn’t exactly easy for him, he wished they’d see. Then again, he thought as he looked guiltily at Charles, he did fuck up. He _cheated_ for fucks sake. Charles would never do anything like that to him. Charles deserved better.

Interrupting his train of thought, Charles lightly grabbed his chin and kissed him softly and shortly, placing an arm around his shoulder possessively. Sending him a weird look, Charles leaned up to whisper into his ear. 

“Didn’t like the way Laurens was staring at you.”

Blushing brightly, he nodded and pecked his boyfriend’s cheek before turning back to his notes. His head was _spinning_ he swore. So John wasn’t entirely over him? Or he was mad enough to not get what Alexander did off his mind. Either one, Alexander realized, he couldn’t care. That wasn’t fair to Charles. 

Finally, “Any questions? No? Alright, dismissed. Don’t forget! Essay is due at the end of this week.”

Alexander let out a sigh of relief and turned to pack up, accidentally making the mistake of looking up and seeing John. He looked like a mess. His normally neatly messy hair was now plainly messy, and he had the telltale red of eyes that meant he’d probably relapsed back into his weed problem. Sure, they did it sometimes still, but it’d been a while since John smoked before class. And judging by the red rims of his eyes and the way his movements lagged behind his friends that looked at him with slight worry, he wasn’t doing well at all. 

Charles cleared his throat, making Alexander snap his head away from the group.

“Oh, I forgot you brought that up earlier today. Said they’re ignoring you? Want me to fight them, babe?”

Alexander chuckled and pecked his lips, “No, that’s alright. Thank you, though. Just getting sad now, y’know?” Charles nodded and ruffled his hair.

“I’m sorry babe.”

“Not your fault. Plus, how could I be upset? You’re _finally_ back!”

Charles nodded and his eyes took on a new expression. “Maybe we should go back and celebrate that.”

Alexander glanced at the time and saw _5:46_ displayed. He had no classes for the day, so there goes that excuse. And he had no work. Although, Charles didn’t really seem to care if he had work. He was pretty sure the only reason he wasn’t fired was because Thomas was a miracle worker. 

“Hm, sounds like fun.” He tried to force the lingering discomfort out of his head and let Charles lead him out of the classroom and back to his dorm with barely a glance at John.

When they got there, Charles let out a victory noise at the lack of Burr and without hesitation pushed Alexander against the wall and kissed him roughly, peeling away at his clothes. Alexander let him, putting up no resistance and trying to sink his mind away to another place as he felt the marks put on his skin. _Lower, lower, lower…_

Charles must’ve noticed the lack of anything from the redhead, so Alexander made a move to take off Charles’ shirt. His boyfriend suddenly froze and slightly pulled away. Alexander looked at him questioningly. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

Charles shook his head and resumed his previous efforts, Alexander even more confused than before. 

Charles took off the other’s pants and boxers, leaving the other nude and himself fully clothed. Alexander knew that Charles liked a powertrip, but there seemed to be some sort of underlying reason. He barely registered when Charles actually pushed in, only brought back when he was painfully thrusted against the wall, his arms wrapped around the other’s back and twisting at his shirt for support.

Charles got progressively rougher, so he tried his hardest to gain more leverage, and accidentally pulled down Charles’ shirt at the shoulder. He squinted his eyes at the marks that were revealed. That was weird… It’d been two weeks since they saw each other, and yet those were unmistakably hickeys… 

It hit him. The way Charles had said _“Coop_ ” and the way he’d reacted when Alexander tried to push for what had happened. The guilty look in his eyes. Letting out a hurt gasp, he felt tears fall hurriedly from his eyes and tried desperately to push the other away. 

“Charles- You-”

Charles didn’t stop, didn’t lighten up. But his eyes grew grim, and then almost cocky. “Two weeks, Alexander. _Two weeks._ ”

Alexander let out a broken sob as he tried to move, tried to pull away and _get out of there_. He needed to leave, he couldn’t breathe. “Stop, get off of me! Charles! Stop! I- I have to-”

Charles didn’t listen, and as Alexander’s pushes got harder he growled and pinned his boyfriend’s thin wrists to the wall. “ _No_ , Alexander. Stop overreacting. It was nothing.”

Alexander cried out, whether from pain or sadness or anger he didn’t know. “Please, please. Stop. Stop.” His head fell against his boyfriend’s shoulder and the pain that was being inflicted suddenly felt a million times stronger. He weakly mumbled his disapproval, begging for him to _stop_ , he needed everything to stop. Charles had cheated. 

But then again, he realized as he was suddenly pushed harder against the wall and he let out a loud moan of pain that just made him feel _dirty_ … So did he.

Charles hadn’t stopped. He never did, and Alexander didn’t know why he thought he would this time. When he finally got off after what felt like hours and placed the boy down on his trembling feet, letting the other fall to the floor, he hissed a sweet and twisted voice something that didn’t comfort or ease the shaking boy’s breaths.

“ _You’re so much better, baby._ ”

Alexander’s head shot up and he felt anger surge through him. He twisted to hide his naked body as he glared. “ _Fuck you,_ Charles. Get out. You cheated!”

Charles’ mood snapped and he kicked Alexander in the face, kicking him in the stomach when he fell to his side and breathing heavily. By the time he stopped, Alexander was bloody and Charles was panting, and- “You’re nothing without me. Get yourself in your fucking place, Alexander. Stop being a child. Come to my dorm when you’re ready to act like an adult.”

With that, he slammed the door behind him and Alexander was left with blood dripping from his nose and mouth and a cut on his cheek. His body already felt bruised as he tried to sit up, gasping. “Fuck. Fuck!” Alexander screamed into his empty dorm. He let out a choked sob and pulled his knees to his chest. 

He rushed to grab his clothes that were strewn by his feet and pulled them on. He needed to be _covered_ because there was this twisting discomfort and guilt and- By the time he was able to pull himself up, he was racing out of the small room and to where? _Where_ was he going? His feet carried him with his mind a million steps behind. Charles cheated. _But so did he._ Charles didn’t stop. _He never did_.

 _“You’re so much better, baby.”_ It played like a broken record in his head. Repeating, repeating, repeating. He distantly felt arms wrapped around him, but when he looked up he was alone in a long hallway and panting. 

He knocked at the door, there was a door in front of him. When there was no reply after two seconds, he started to walk away. His breaths were rushing, faster than his mind and faster than- He let out a shaky exhale, trying to lead himself back to wherever he’d run from. Finally, though he heard a door open behind him and someone saying his name softly.

“Alexander?”

He whirled around and saw John looking back at him, his arms crossed and a stern look on his face. _Of course he’d subconsciously gone there. He was a_ cheater. 

“John. Sorry. I- I didn’t- I was just-”

“Hey, breathe. You need to- What’d he _do_ to you?”

“He cheated. He went to a retreat and he cheated.”

John didn’t reply, pursing his lips and leading the other into his dorm and closing the door softly behind him. Alexander barely registered Lafayette and Hercules sitting on Hercules’ bed, Lafayette cuddled into their boyfriend’s chest before all of a sudden Lafayette was next to him. 

They gasped at the sight of their foster brother, a tear running down their face. “Alexander, mon petit lion. What has he done to you?”

Alexander shook his head, his throat too closed up to reply and let himself cry into Lafayette’s chest for a few moments before John softly pulled him away and placed a wipe on his face that was soaked in something that made him hiss when it made contact with his face. John dabbed gently and expertly at the cuts, patching up with a distant look. It was like the years before, when they’d patch each other up after fights. But _so_ much different.

“What happened?” Hercules finally asked when John was done. Alexander was sitting on John’s bed, Lafayette protectively close to him like he’d disappear if they moved. 

“He cheated. At a retreat. And I- I got a little mad. And I yelled at him. I kinda- I kinda messed up. It was my fault, really, but-”

“That’s _not_ your fault. I’m gonna kill him.” Hercules growled. John placed a calming hand on his back, so Hercules straightened up and sent Alexander an apologetic wince. 

“He’s right, Alex. That’s not. He should’ve known better.”

“He shouldn’t have hurt you, Alex. But _you_ also did.” John spoke up for the first time quietly. Lafayette gasped defensively, already opening their mouth to reply but Alexander beat them to the punch.

“You’re right. _Fuck_ , you’re right. I have to- I have to go. This was- I’m sorry. I have to go. Sorry.”

Before any of them could stop him, he was rushing out of the dorm the same way he had his own with a brand new set of tears pouring down his face. This time, he knew where he was going. He got back to his own dorm quickly and shoved a few things into his duffel bag that he spotted underneath his bed. He grabbed a bunch of makeup, and clothes, and whatever he’d need for about a week.

He was going home. Because right now his dorm still smelt like _sweat_ and _sex_ and he couldn’t handle it. He heard Burr questioning him, asking what was wrong, and what he was doing.

“I’m just- I have to go. I’m going home. To the Washingtons’. I can’t- I can’t stay here. Please don’t tell anyone. _Please_.”

Burr unexpectedly embraced him. Gentle and soft and _everything_ he needed. He cried a little into his shoulder, squeezing him and sobbing.

“Okay, okay, Alexander. I won’t tell anyone.”

Alexander left the dorm roughly ten minutes later with the duffel thrown over his aching shoulder and a limp in his step, walking to the bus station and _knowing_ that he’d be back. 

When he finally arrived at the house, the large house that just made him feel a little bit safer- Safe enough to not cry _again_ , he knocked on the door and choked when George opened the door. Before he could question why his foster son wasn’t at school, Alexander sobbed and fell forward into George’s chest. George quickly wrapped his arms around him, knowing with some sort of parental sense what had happened.

Alexander didn’t have anyone right now. He needed _someone_ right now.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// mentions of abuse and rape  
> mention of past and relapse in drug addiction
> 
> hey! so this has barely any lee in it so yayayayay  
> kinda used some of this to dig into alex's ptsd bc that's an important topic  
> so yeah!!  
> hope yall like it  
> thanks for 700 hits!

George didn’t know what to do, what to say. He’d never expected to have this problem. Not when Alexander had first come to their home, his life in shambles and only knowing loss. But there he was, with his foster son curled up on his favorite seat in the house, sipping hot chocolate that George had made specially for him since he was so young and dried tear tracks barely visible considering the attention-grabbing amount of plasters on his face. He didn’t even want to think of what was underneath.

He should’ve said something the first time. Said something when he first noticed a painful bruise on Alexander’s arm, the first time he’d flinched away from the embrace of his own  _ goddamn father _ . Alexander was avoiding eye contact akin to the day he’d first met him, looking reserved and horrifyingly unlike himself. 

“What happened, son?”

He almost laughed at the way that Alexander looked at him with a small smirk at the nickname, knowing it was a jab at his past resistance to it. 

But the smirk fell as soon as it came, giving way to the same hardset frown that Alexander had first had when he walked into the house. “I messed up. And Charles  _ cheated _ . And I…” Alexander’s face contorted into something, like he was dreading saying the next part. He looked up, looking George right in the eye for reassurance.

“You don’t have to say anything you’re not comfortable with. But I  _ would never _ judge you.”

The redhead looked at the ceiling for a moment as if pushing back tears and then looked back to the floor, fiddling with the handle of the mug he was holding. “I was cheating too. With John. For a while. So I mean… I can’t be mad.” His voice cracked. “Right?”

George didn’t know what to say. Hell, he didn’t know what to say when this had all started. No one ever could’ve prepared him for this. As much as he wanted to help, to end it, he didn’t know how. “You have every right to be mad. And, not that this is the time but- I could tell there was something there from the beginning. Regardless, Charles is not good for you, Alexander. The fact that you have bruises on your face and cuts and- It’s not okay.”

Alexander suddenly buried his head in his hands and let out a small sob. George moved to kneel in front of him and took a deep breath. “Son, I once read a quote. ‘We accept the love we think we deserve’. This is  _ not _ what you deserve.”

Alexander chuckled. “Perks of Being A Wallflower. I told you you’d love it. But, Dad?” George nodded patiently. “I love him. And I  _ know _ that it’s messed up but I please can’t leave him. Please don’t do anything. I love him so much.”

George looked away, conflicted. He wanted Alexander to be happy. But not like this. He couldn’t lose him. He  _ wouldn’t _ lose him. “Son, I need you alive.”

“And I will be. He- He’s not that bad. I just, I needed a break. That’s why I came. I can’t stay there. I need a break.”

George nodded with pursed lips and embraced him as best he could from his position on the floor. “Alexander, if you don’t leave him you have to have a talk with him. At the  _ very  _ least. What kind of… Dad would I be if I just let this keep on happening?”

“Please.  _ Please _ don’t do anything. I’ll talk to him. But I’m begging you.” Alexander looked so desperate and so sad that George couldn’t say no. As much as he wished to march right up to Charles and repay him for how much he’s fucked with his son, he knew that he couldn’t. Not until Alexander was ready to accept help.

“Let’s go get dinner ready, hm? Mom’ll be home soon.” George offered a thin smile and held a hand out to bring him to the kitchen.

John knew that he fucked up as soon as Alexander had rushed out of the room, but currently his mind wasn’t the most sober. Or sober at all, he thought with a laugh. Lafayette glared at him, already opening his mouth to scold him. Hercules spoke up first. “John.” He said sternly. “You  _ know _ that Alex is in a tough position. And I know that he fucked you up or something but for all we know he’s going right back to Lee right now.”

Lafayette seemed sickened at the thought, and took a deep breath. “Alexander loves you, mon ami. But this is such a… Complicated situation. You need to apologize.”

John rolled his eyes and grabbed his pen from where it was next to him, taking a long hit as he reached for his coat. “ _ No _ . I was right. Fuck this. Fuck him. I’m leaving.” With that, he left the dorm and ignored the sighs and disagreements from behind him. 

He knew he’d regret this tomorrow, when he was better in control. But right now  _ all _ he was thinking about was how Alexander had let him down. Broken up with him. 

_ Class had just ended, and Alexander and John were sitting in John’s dorm alone. There was a tense air, Alexander already having warned John that he needed to talk to him. He was fiddling with his thumbs and looking down at his lap, retreating into himself. John looked at him with concern, but already  _ knew _ what was coming.  _

_ “Lafayette knows.” Alexander started softly. He ignored John’s confusion and pushed on. “They know and they told me the truth. Because as much as we don’t want to admit it… This is cheating, John. And I… I can’t keep doing it. I love Charlie, I can’t do this to him. He loves me.” _

_ John scoffed in disbelief, abruptly standing and looking down at Alexander, who flinched and glanced nervously at the door. “Sure. He loves you. What’s wrong with your wrist then, Alex? What’s wrong with your nose?” _

_ Alexander sniffled and glared up at John. “He loves me. I love him. That’s that.” _

_ “I’m sorry for yelling. But- You love him? And what about me?” _

_ “I- You know I love you.” _

_ John plopped back down onto his bed. “I think you should leave. Because having you here and knowing that nothing can… Not again. I love you, but please leave.” _

_ Alexander nodded and cleared his throat, tears brimming in his eyes. “Yeah. Okay, sure. I- I’m sorry.” _

_ “Whatever, Alex. Try not to die, will you?”  _

_ Alexander choked down the anger that rose from that and walked out of the dorm, not even realizing that John had started to cry. _

Maybe he’d relapsed a bit since then. But fuck, he couldn’t deal with  _ life _ anymore. At home there was his father who was currently treating him like nothing less than trash, and he was pretty sure he was about to disown him. And then here there was the love of his life who was being abused by his enemy. He  _ knew _ he could offer so much more to Alexander. Albeit it being selfish, he wanted to wrap him up and keep him away from the rest of the world. He  _ loved  _ him and Alexander loved him so why couldn’t it be that simple?

Martha came home that day expecting to see her husband in the kitchen, making food and singing to some song while basically dancing. She was please-  _ well pleased for a solid two seconds- _ when she saw Alexander next to him and snickering while George sang along to  _ Journey _ . 

She gasped and rushed forward, hugging him despite the sheer amount of flour all over his hands. “Alexander!” He let out a small noise of pain, so she pulled away to examine his face. He looked worse for wear, bags prominent under his eyes and plasters covering more skin than was exposed. 

“ _ Alexander _ !” She said with a new tone of voice. 

He bit his lip, at a loss for words. “Charles cheated.” George spoke up, crossing his arms and lowering the volume of the music. She looked at Alexander with newfound anger.

“I am going to  _ kill _ him.” She spat, grabbing the jacket she’d just taken off. “Did you break up with him?” She asked while she got ready to leave.

“Wait, Mom, don’t go. I didn’t. I-I’m not mad. I sort of cheated too. He doesn’t really know that, either.” Alexander admitted with shame. He rubbed his arm, preparing for Martha to be disgusted and throw him out or be mad or  _ something _ like that.

“With who?”

“John Laurens.” George answered with a small smirk. It was no secret that Martha wanted the two to get together, mentioning it to Alexander more times than once. She saw the chemistry and the way Alexander loved the boy. Really, everyone did.

“ _ Oh _ . Well, why did Charles…” She couldn’t say it, her throat closing up on the words. 

“I- Uh, yelled at him. It was my fault. I just came here because I was really mad. And my friends and I haven’t been talking much lately.”

“Well what about Gilbert? They must’ve spoken to you.”

“Didn’t want to make them have to pick sides. I mean, I’m sure they would’ve though.”

Martha smiled and stroked his cheek gently. “Of course, Alex. Family’s always here.”

“Alexander?” George asked, knocking at the frame of his son’s room. Alexander hadn’t made any appearance downstairs in about thirteen hours, and little did George know this wasn’t a rare occurrence. He didn’t know it, but where Alexander laid in his bed, he forced back the tears that weren’t coming and tried to aid the numbness and heavy fog that was set over his body. 

_ No,  _ he’d said.  _ Stop,  _ he begged. He never stopped, no one ever  _ stopped. _ Alexander felt the bed dip next to him and a hand come up to his hair. He choked on his breath and tried to hide his face, hide his body, hide everything. He was  _ disgusting _ . George would be appalled if he knew what Alexander had let happen to him. Crying, being thrown against a wall, bruising his knees, and he just couldn’t think of how George would see him if he knew how gross he truly was. 

He had fits like this sometimes. It felt as if Charles was still over him, all around him. He loved Charles, he swore. But in these moments even the thought of his presence felt like too much. And he didn’t know why. He just wanted to know why.

“Your mom told me to come up here. See if you were hungry. Are you?” Alexander knew how he should answer. He should deny that he was, deny the fact that his stomach was growling and demanding something. Because Charles told him he was better skinny. Maybe that was why Charles cheated. Because thinking back, he remembered a Cooper, one of Charles friends. He had brown hair, green eyes. And he was thin. So he knew what he had to say.

“... No. I’m alright.” He lied through his teeth. He heard George sigh, something heavy and filled with emotion. Turning to face his foster father, he noticed a stray tear that was quickly brushed away drip down his face. Forcing himself up, forcing the shadow over him away, he wrapped his arms around George and provided his own broken self for support.

God knows they all needed support.

Alexander hadn’t felt this calm or relaxed in a long time. Weeks with his family were always the best. Sure, the occasion wasn’t exactly the best one and he had been ignoring texts from his friends since he’d first arrived, but he was about to answer them so it couldn’t matter. It was only  _ five _ days of not showing up to class or talking to anyone. He took a deep breath, glancing at his foster parents who were on the couch that was next to his chair, cuddled together cutely. He smiled at the sight, then checked his texts.

**_charlie - 5 new messages_ **

**_johnathan - 8 new messages_ **

**_laf - 3 new messages_ **

There were a couple of others, but he knew that he had to answer those before anyone else. And he honestly didn’t know if he was down for answering more. 

**_charlie: Are you done over reacting?_ **

**_Where are you_ **

**_Why aren’t you at class???_ **

**_Answer my texts, Alexander. I’m sorry._ **

**_Are you dead or something? Call me. Right now._ **

Alexander bit his lip and swallowed, knowing that he couldn’t just ignore him. He might be pissed, but he owed him an answer. Quickly dismissing himself from the pair, he walked toward the downstairs bathroom and locked the door behind him. Charles ended up answering on the third ring.

“Where are you?” Charles asked. His voice was stern and slightly shaky, like he was expecting Alexander to end things. Alexander fiddled with his hair and cleared his throat.

“I’m with my parents. I haven’t been on my phone much, sorry. I… I’m sorry, Charlie.”

“I’m sorry too. Can you come back, Alex? I miss you…”

Alexander bit back the tears pricking at his eyes, choking down the endless apologies begging to be spilled. “I will. I wouldn’t leave you.” There was a distant, teasing voice in the back of his brain.  _ You couldn’t. Even if you wanted to. _ Ignoring it as best he could, he came up with some excuse to Charles as to why he’d have to hang out, and walked back out to his parents with a longing look. If he could just  _ stay _ here for the rest of time, he would. 

But he couldn’t.

He opened his phone again and saw the texts from John, for a moment considering just ignoring them. He knew that John was mad, so should he not answer? Should he leave him alone? Sighing, he went to Lafayette’s texts and smiled at the thought of his sibling.

**_laf: mon petit lion where are you?_ **

**_are you hurt?_ **

**_i know you don’t want to, but you should answer John. he’s freaking out. miss you. love u!!!_ **

**_Me: hey, laf, im alright. sorry. needed some time so i went to dad and mom’s. ill be back soon. love u too_ **

So John cared? At least he didn’t want to completely shut Alexander out. Finally, he pressed on the notifications from John.

**_johnathan: dude where r u?_ **

**_alex seriously where??? are you_ **

**_did i fuck up that much_ **

**_whtever you probably just are ignoring me_ **

**_i saw lee today. he asked me if i knew where you were_ **

**_u didn’t even tell ur bf?_ **

**_actually i just realized that it’s ur life, i shouldn’t care. honestly i shoudn’t even be texting you right? ur cheater bf probably doesn’t want you too._ **

**_ill leave u alone for real then, now. bye._ **

**_Me: im sorry im not ignoring you or anything. i’ll be back soon. and yes u should text me you’re my best friend_ **

**_johnathan: oh, yeah. best friends._ **

**_Me: john…_ **

Sighing when he didn’t receive an answer in about two minutes of his text being seen, Alexander shut off his phone and plopped back into the chair and crossed his arms. Martha turned to him, examining him carefully. “What’s wrong? Charles text you?” She asked with a hum as she sat up.

Alexander shrugged, nodding and tapping his fingers nervously. He knew John was mad,  _ obviously _ , but he seemed upset too. And what with the way he was high in class, which he’d worked on a lot after the incident, he wasn’t doing too well. Was that his fault?  _ Definitely _ , his mind supplied. 

“What’re you thinking about, Alex?” Martha spoke quietly. 

Alexander thought for a moment, trying to figure out how to reply. What  _ lie _ to come up with this time. ‘ _ Nothing _ ’ or  _ ‘Just tired _ ’ and not ‘ _ For some reason I feel like my body is burning me alive whenever anyone touches or looks at me _ ’ or  _ ‘Everytime I see the love of my life I feel so fucking horrified _ ’. For once, maybe, he could tell the truth. Charles told him it was better to lie then tell the truth in situations where his parents or friends were talking to him. After he’d made that mistake the first time… He decided to listen. And he hated how quickly his mind told him to tell his parents something that wasn’t true. 

“I’m just… Worried. About John. I think he’s getting into stuff again. And like, he hasn’t been talking to me and he texted me and just sounded… Upset. I don’t know. And I’m  _ pretty _ sure that’s my fault.” He finally admitted, in near a whisper. 

George sighed, “Alex, I believe John is more upset at the situation than you. He  _ loves _ you so much, that kid. I don’t think he has it in him to be mad at you. Not for long. But, you have to understand how  _ much _ he loves you. And the fact that he can’t act on that is probably what’s hurting him.”

Alexander’s cheeks turned red at that despite his mind resisting, and he bit his lip to try and hold back any tears. “What do I  _ do _ ? I mean, I can’t just let him be upset. I don’t… I mean, I can’t...”

Martha got up and wrapped Alexander in her arms, her chin on his head. “There’s not much you can do, sadly. The situation is just…” Alexander felt a tear land on his head and suddenly his own tears were spilling. “It’s too complicated. Try and talk to John, to fix things. And if… If Charles is who you want and you’re  _ sure _ , then nothing can happen again with John. And, Alexander?”

Alexander nodded as best as he could, noticing George sitting silently and staring at the floor, his breathing harsh as if he were trying his hardest not to cry. 

“ _ Please _ stand up for yourself. I… I know you won’t let us do anything. So if we can’t,  _ please _ . Talk to him. And for the love of god, don’t die.” She sounded on the verge of breaking, and Alexander held back a sob at the sound of her voice cracking.

“I promise.” Alexander pulled away and wrapped her in his arms, knowing she was barely put together herself. 

He just wished that promise was more simple...


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... im not dead  
> basically summer weather is here so im rarely insideeeee  
> yeah and stuff  
> sorry sm like that was way too long to not post  
> this ones kinda short i need a scheduleeee  
> TW/// DRUG ADDICTION, EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION

When Alexander got back to school, he didn’t know what to expect. Charles to hit him, yell at him, he didn’t know. All he knew was that he expected the worst. When he arrived, it went nothing as he had planned. The second his bus arrived back on campus, he strode to Charles’ dorm room with newfound determination to try and make this relationship work. But when he got there and saw Charles sitting on his bed with tears streaming down his face, he didn’t know how to feel.

Neither did Charles, apparently, because he ran up to his shorter boyfriend and embraced him loosely as if he were some frail flower. Very different to any of their past encounters. Still, Alexander couldn’t help but flinch. Charles sounded crazy, babbling and rambling of how sorry he was and begging Alexander to never leave again. It almost made the other feel bad. But at the same time horrified at the manic tone and behavior. He shushed him and closed his eyes, hugging Charles back tightly and promising him he’d never leave again.

“You- You can’t leave me. Not again. I’ll kill myself, Alex. Don’t leave me.” Alexander nodded and tried to get Charles to breathe and calm down, his expectations blown out the window. 

By the time Charles recomposed, he was sitting up and leaned against Alexander’s shoulder with their hands loosely clasped. “Hey, Lexi. I’m sorry. I love you.  _ So much _ . You’re perfect. I don’t- I fucked up. So bad. I’m sorry.” He muttered sadly. Alexander nodded and pulled his boyfriend cloer, trying to shove down the guilt of knowing  _ he’d cheated too _ .

He’d tell him soon. Just not today. Two days, he decided. In two days he’d tell him.

“Alexander! Holy shit, I thought you dropped out.” Thomas shouted when he first saw the redhead outside of his dorm. Alexander shrugged in response with a slight smirk, Thomas rolling his eyes at the nonchalance. “You… Are you alright?”

“Yeah. I’m good. I just- I didn’t wanna go to Laf or John or Herc yet, y’know. Feel like everyone else would sort of question me the second they saw me.” Alexander mumbled. Thomas nodded knowingly, gesturing inside.

“ _ Well _ , wanna come in and watch Parks and Rec? I was just having a marathon before. Oh! And by the way, boss says you’re okay. He says you needed a break.”

“Okay,  _ no _ that’s not true. But, thanks.”

Alexander knew that eventaully he’d have to see his friends. Was he prepared? No, no way. Then again, he felt as if life loved to throw constant curveballs at him and see if he could deal. So far he’d spent all of his life repressing his emotions. So really, he didn’t know if that counted.

But there he was in front of Lafayette’s dorm room with the most determined and yet happy look he could muster, knocking and holding his breath. He’d put a little extra effort that day into looking put together, so people wouldn’t think he had some huge mental breakdown. Which he did. But nobody needed to know that. So, he’d put his red hair back into a neat and tight ponytail, and he’d finally listened to Charles’ demands and dress in better clothes than sweatpants and a sweatshirt. 

His disguise was unsuccessful. Lafayette opened the door with a calm face, which immediately turned into a large frown of worry as they pulled Alexander into a hug. The other quickly embraced them back, trying his best to reassure that he was alright. He was just gone for a week, he really didn’t think everyone would react like this. But then again, Thomas had told him that there were theories that Charles  _ killed  _ him, that he ran away, and many more. He was just glad that nobody was that mad that he left. And thankfully that Burr had been so loyal.

“Hey, Laf, I’m good. I just needed a little break from school.” Alexander forced a smile to his face and pulled away, holding Lafayette at arms length and looking them in the eye. He caught movement from behind his foster sibling, recognizing it to be Hercules. Hercules, who immediately squeezed both Lafayette and Alexander in a tight hug.

“Are you sure you’re alright, man? You didn’t seem it before. The night before you left…” Hercules mumbles the last sentence, leaving it unsaid. But Alexander just nodded, shrugging and hugging his friends close again.

He didn’t feel like explaining. Not yet. 

But he had something planned… He just couldn’t risk anyone else knowing.

_ John _ , he knew, would be the most difficult person to interact with after this. Sure, Charles was scary. However, he knew John likely blamed himself and he couldn’t even imagine seeing him in whatever state he’d possibly gotten into. John had a past that he didn’t like to remember much, but as little as he wished to admit it- Drug addictions almost never disappeared completely. There would always likely be the lingering and horrifying chance of a relapse, and for John- especially after all that had occurred with his family- relapses seemed closer and closer through each new stress. So yes, he was quite scared.

He got to John’s dorm fast enough, knowing it would be just John since Hercules was with Lafayette. Alexander knocked hesitantly. He knew if he saw John he’d be filled with the most insatiable urge to kiss him, hug him, be close to him. But he couldn’t. Not if his plan was going to work. And it had to. ‘For Charlie.’ His mind provided when he found himself at a lack for an explanation. John opened the door,  _ later than usual,  _ and for a few moments he seemed to not recognize Alexander. Despite staring him in the eye, his brain lagged behind.

Alexander held his breath through the thick and uncomfortable silence that followed John’s recognition. Their intense eye contact remained, and Alexander saw muffled anger, sadness, and fear flash through John’s eyes. And something else… But he knew that even _ thinking  _ about that fond expression in John’s eyes would hurt him and ruin any plan he’d made in less than a second. Alexander cleared his throat. “Hi.” He mumbled, hoping the other would invite him in.

In lieu of reply, John left the door ajar and walked into his dorm, giving Alexander a clear decision. Join him or leave. Obviously, and despite the fear bouldering in his chest, Alexander walked in and sat gingerly down next to him. “God, with the amount of serious talks we’ve have to had recently you’d think we were in a movie” Alexander weakly joked. John remained unamused, staring a the floor in deep consideration.

“Why’d you even come here?” John asked monotonously. And as Alexander’s anxiety increased, he could begin to smell the distinct smell of weed and due to his brain going hyperactive, noticed the redness of John’s eyes. He hadn’t noticed before… but he supposed he was just  _ that _ nervous. 

“Do you want me to leave?” Alexander spoke quietly. Scared, horrified that John would say yes and send him away. He’d listen. He knew he would. 

John’s face looked torn. Did he want Alexander to leave? Of course not. He  _ missed _ him like hell. Even if they weren’t romantic, Alexander was his best friend. But he knew how it would be if he stayed. He’d have to push down the same feelings he thought just a little while ago that he could finally let out. And he’d have to deal with sitting right next to the love of his life and all the while knowing he wouldn’t be able to do anything.

So did he want him to leave?

“I… I don’t know.” John finally admitted. Alexander chewed on his lip, and his hand found John’s in a loose grasp. And John couldn’t help it, but he felt himself shift closer, stare into Alexander’s eyes and try to see if the redhead felt the same as he did. But Alexander’s eyes were completely unreflective of how he was feeling. Normally, they were more expressive than when the man cried. But now… John couldn’t tell if Alexander hated him, loved him, or anything. What if he did hate him? After all, John had been told by Lafayette and Hercules that what he said to Alexander while the other was sobbing was rude, unacceptable. He was telling the  _ truth _ so how was that unacceptable?

So, rather than forcing Alexander to sit with the same person who forced him to leave campus unannounced for a week and pity him, he decided he wouldn’t put him through that. “I want you to leave.” His voice was unsure even to his own ears. But Alexander most likely hated him but  _ pitied _ him too much to ignore him. Alexander had always had a good heart. 

He just wished… Both of them were close. Their eyes were connected in some strange dance, and their hands still intertwined. He just barely thought he saw Alexander suck in a breath and glance at his lips, but he probably had imagined it. “I will.” Alexander said rather than just leaning down and  _ kissing him- _

Before John knew what was happening, they were kissing. He didn’t know who started it, but he was pretty sure it was himself. And for about four seconds he was floating on clouds and everything felt like bliss. It was over as soon as it started. And Alexander was off the bed, standing and looking at his own hands with something stirring in his eyes.

“I- Bye, John.”

And then he was gone and as John sat on his bed and thought, he realized that  _ regret _ was what was shining in his best friend’s eyes. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! i am so sorry i rlly need to update this more-  
> anyways what up??? im jcjc lifes boring tbh   
> finals r shit but what's new abt that  
> TW//// ABUSE, TRAUMA, PTSD, HOSPITALS, DESCRIBED MEDICAL INCIDENT  
> dont get ur hopes up for thissss bc like what happens will piSs u off but i got a plan and everything will be solved soooooonnnnnn

The issue with two people with similarly aggressive and stubborn personalities was that neither of them were to back down. They would furiously attack as if they were deaf to the argument of who they were against. Deaf to everything but the anger raging through their veins and taking reins over their thoughts. 

Alexander and Charles were similar to this. Alexander had a personality that was notoriously like a bull, strong and forceful, and resilient. Charles was notoriously slack and laid back, but with Alexander, his true aggression showed face. And with Charles, Alexander normally found himself pushing his thoughts to the back of his head and going with the wind on whatever Charles said.

But not now. Not when Alexander was exactly twenty minutes late to an Art Show for John. A  _ huge _ art show in which he'd made it to the top three. And hopefully first place. 

So for once, he showed his true colors as words spewed out of him with little remorse. John and his relationship was already strained after the incident only three weeks ago and the wound was still festering. "I just can't believe you! Do you not see how important it is that I go?" Alexander raged as loudly as he could. He ignored the fear that was putting a chokehold on his throat.

"Why? Why is it so important? Because last I checked it was just a dumb art show!"

Alexander paused, tracking back and realizing he couldn't tell him 'Oh, just because I recently broke up with him- By the way, I'm having an affair- so I kind of think this would make it worse.' So he clasped his mouth shut and stared at the ceiling for any idea pertaining to what he could say. 

"I shouldn't have to provide an explanation! You should just listen to me." He responded as he tried to breathe calmly through his nose and out his mouth. Calm down, breathe.

But Charles didn't like that answer so he furrowed his eyebrows and marched toward his boyfriend angrily. Their eyes were locked and Alexander's breath came shorter and shorter, his confidence faltering. He tried his hardest to hold onto the same rage he'd felt from before, but for some reason, he felt it falling and falling. Alexander's mouth opened and closed before he finally decided that  _ no _ he had to keep fighting because imagine how John would feel. 

"I'm late. I need to go. Now." He finally huffed. When Alexander looked closely he thought he saw surprise flash in Charles' eyes at his tough tone. It was gone as soon as it came.

" _ No _ ." Charles seethed. Alexander scoffed in return and with a determined face attempted to force his way past the other. But Charles suddenly grabbed his wrist and pressed onto the bone with a snarl. Alexander felt a fresh wave of dread wash over him and the anger and resilience wash away. Thoughts and memories flashed through his head and before he knew what was happening he was trying his hardest to escape Charles grip because  _ too much _ was going on and he couldn't see through the memories and images forcing their way into his brain-

With a resounding ' _ smack'  _ control was regained and everything was real. Too real. A heat burned on Alexander's hand and a new mark rested on Charles' arm. Alexander yanked his arm back, the same one he had previously struggled to pry his boyfriend's hand off of, and swallowed harshly. "Charles, I'm-"

Charles didn't seem to be alright with listening at that moment. He drove his fist back and as hard into the shorter man's cheek as he could. And before Alexander had time to recover shots were focused on his stomach. He felt something forcing its way back up his throat, but  _ thankfully _ he found it in him to swallow. The burn felt strong, almost as strong as the pain that was raging in his stomach. Dizzy, lightheaded, he tried his hardest to mumble an apology. He'd  _ hit _ Charles. Wasn't he just as bad now? He'd  _ hit _ his boyfriend! His friends would never look at him the same, his father, and all of a sudden he wasn't breathing again. But for a moment all was peaceful and similarly to just a few months ago he saw a familiar figure above him. A soft, sad, lonely face. Smiling down at him and murmuring relaxing words. His mother with her brown hair and bright eyes, telling him it was " _ all alright" _ the way she would so long ago. 

Like a flash of lightning, it was gone. The comfort that had placed itself in his head was replaced with the same feeling of pain and burning in his chest and what seemed like everywhere. His ribs ached with newfound bruises and he felt the instinctive desire to hide as fast as he could. Charles was currently turned around, breathing heavily into his hands as if trying to calm himself down. Alexander crawled as quickly as he could into the small closet that was in Charles dorm, striving to be silent and fast and- He slammed it shut and locked it and all of a sudden there was a loud banging on the door.

"Open the fucking door  _ right _ fucking now, Alexander! God dammit I swear to god! I'm gonna fucking kill you if you don't open this right now!" Charles roared. Alexander could hear it over the loud volume of his sobs and he felt the pain in his ribs get worse and breathing got increasingly more difficult- All of a sudden everything was just  _ too much _ and he felt consciousness escape him until-

All went black, all was numb. Eventually, Charles had loudly groaned and although it fell to deaf ears, he had screamed of how he was going to come back and open the door and murder him and-

Alexander hadn't felt this blissfully asleep in what felt like centuries.

His phone rang with an inappropriately vibrant tune, snapping him awake. For a moment, he could only feel the fear of  _ 'Where am I?'  _ and the pain in his ribs and the inability to move and all of a sudden memories were flooding back. He must've been asleep for a while due to the sheer amount of texts he'd received from oh-so-many people. And he swore he'd never been in  _ this _ much pain from Charles' punishments. Something was wrong. But he snapped into reality and his phone was still ringing out some song. He checked it to see that John-  _ John _ . Of course. His art show. He quickly answered it, apologies bubbling up.

"Alexander! Thank god, are you alright?"

Alexander took a breath and choked on a sob-  _ when had he started crying?- _ "I-I'm fine. I'm  _ so _ sorry about your show, John. I swear, I swear I was gonna come! It's just-" Alexander paused to take as deep as a breath as he could, but the pain in his lungs just seemed to increase. He gasped for air and found himself incapable of getting anything in. He could just barely hear John's panicked voice on the other end, and he seemed to be shushing people to hear the other better.

"Alex? Alexander! Are you alright? Did something happen?"

Alexander let out a sob and tried to speak, wheezing out "I'm- Nothing," he gasped, "I just- I think I'm hurt." He heard a pathetic whine and realized a few seconds later that it had come from him. Thankfully John realized much sooner and cursed. He sort of registered John shouting something about an ambulance but before he could finish his sentence Alexander took the deepest breath he thought possible and demanded, "No! No ambulance. Please.  _ Please,  _ John."

John sputtered, and Alexander could picture the panicked expression that was probably plastered on his face. Thankfully, he heard him call the ambulance off and agree to come to pick him up. But  _ not  _ to drive safely. And Alexander felt relief spread through him quickly, falling back against the closet wall with a gasp for air. He closed his eyes, allowing himself to drift back into the same rest he had before...

"Alexander! Alex! Are you in here?" John shouted as he chewed at his lips. After a trip to Alexander's dorm, he was confusedly informed by his roommate that he had been at Charles' last he knew. And so he sped there, keeping his car parked close and sprinting up the steps. Thankfully, Charles usually stayed at King's dorm until about 11 P.M. so he remained out. Unfortunately, that meant John had to figure out how to break in. Adrenaline helps, he supposed, as he picked at the cheap locks with a pin he'd been using to hold his hair in a bun and darted into the dorm the second the door could open. He didn't get a reply to his shouts, merely a quiet whimper from-  _ in the closet? _

"Alexander, can you open the door?" He stressed as calmly as he could.  _ What if he was dead? What if-  _

"John? Is that you?" Alexander's voice sounded like he'd just sprinted three marathons and as fragile as the old and overpriced china resting in his parents' case. 

"Yes, yes, it's me. Can you open the door?"

Devoid of an answer, John picked at the closet. For some reason, finding it much more difficult. Most likely credited to the shakiness of his hands. Finally, he slammed it open and almost broke at the sight. Blood was dripping out of his best friend's mouth, parts dried and parts fresh. Bruises and blood... There seemed to be nothing left of him, and he would've supposed him dead if not for the choked sobs. Snapping quickly out of the daze, he gently picked the smaller man up. With anger and fear powering him, he paced back to his car,  _ careful with the whimpering man he held _ , as fast he could. "It's alright, it's okay." John whispered more to himself than to Alexander, setting him in the seat and cursing himself for giving in and not calling an ambulance.  _ Stupid, stupid. _ He stepped on the gas and raced to the hospital and tried to ignore the honks and disgruntled attitude of the other drivers.

As soon as he arrived he got out of his car, not even taking a breath. He picked up Alexander and carried him bridal style past the emergency entrance and as calmly as he could sputtering his case to the shocked nurses. They took the broken man to a room and he barely saw past the crowd as he was left freaking out in the waiting room, only having shouted Alexander's name, age, and other facts before being left. He felt someone usher him into a chair, and he  _ knew _ that he looked horrible. Covered in blood from-  _ where was Alexander bleeding? Where else?- _ his best friend and panting and shaking and- He was hyperventilating, he realized. Someone was softly consoling him, " _ In and out. One, two, three, four... Breathe with me, kiddo. _ "

He tried his hardest to calm down, to  _ breathe _ . For Alexander.  _ For Alexander.  _ He would be fine, he tried to reassure himself. He clenched his eyes shut and tried his hardest to think of better times. But it was hard to imagine Alexander well when the vision of his near lifeless form was flooding his vision.  _ He looked dead. Was he dead? _

" _ Breathe, breathe... It's alright, kiddo. Just breathe. One, two, three... That's it. It'll be alright." _ His head and breathing cleared up enough and he opened his eyes to see an old man looking at him calmly. He sent him as brief a smile possible, apologizing profusely. "No need for apologies, son. I'm Lewis. And yourself?"

"John. Laurens, John Laurens. I'm sorry. It's just- my friend and he-"

"I understand. Completely. I brought my partner in, we're old and they had... Well, that doesn't matter right now. Let's talk about something else, hm? How old are you? Around college, I assume?" Lewis hummed, a welcoming smile on his face.

"Uh, yeah. College. I go to Columbia. I'm 20. And you?"

"Ah, well beyond your years. 74, myself. I miss college."

The man proceeded to tell a story of his college years, and despite the situation, John felt himself laughing at the tale. 

There was a comfortable silence for about a minute, John glancing at the doors leading down a long hallway where he didn't even know  _ what _ might be going on. Lewis cleared his throat and his eyes snapped back to the other's deep brown ones.

"Now, anyone you should call? I'm sure his parents have been called, but there might've been too much rush. And I'm sure they'd rather hear something from you. One step at a time, kiddo."

John nodded, swallowing, and fished his phone out of his pocket with shaky hands. He pressed on George's contact and felt  _ regret _ bubbling up inside of him- He should've called the police! Why did he listen? George answered on the second ring.

"John? Son? Is everything alright?" George's fatherly voice came through. He could hear Martha laughing in the background, a movie playing as well. Tears welled up as he realized it was such a nice moment for them and yet...

"Alexander is in the hospital. He called me, he- He looked  _ dead!  _ I-I don't know what's going on- I'm  _ so  _ sorry sir-"

"What? John, please, calm down. It's- Fuck- It's not your fault. Martha and I are coming now. Which hospital?"

"St. Cecilia. Please, come quick, sir." John heard the signal tone of someone hanging up and quickly took a breath, staring up at the ceiling. "Should I call my friends? Tell them? They were with me when he called but-"

"Just breathe. Whatever you think is best, son. No rush. No rush."

John nodded. It took him a few moments to breathe and clear his head, but he felt his fingers tapping the screen and pressing on Lafayette's contact. "Laf?"

"John! How is he? Is he alright? Where are you?"

"The emergency room. We're at St. Cecilia's. Please- Come quick." He heard the panicked voices of his friends, muffled but just as loud in his head.  _ His fault. He shouldn't have listened. If he had just called the hospital... _

He closed his eyes for what he could've sworn was two seconds but out of nowhere, he heard heavy footsteps rushing toward him and opened them to see the Washingtons standing there. They were quite obviously distressed, but the same gentle looked remained.  _ They're not mad, they weren't mad _ . 

"He- They took him in the room. I don't- Can you ask? I didn't- I can't-"

"Hey, calm down son. It'll be alright. Alexander's tough. Breathe.  _ Thank you so much for taking him here.  _ And for calling us- I don't even want to imagine..." George stopped himself and rushed to the desk, Martha staying with John and hugging him close.

George stumbled back to them with what must've been tears dripping down his face. This was the most stressed John had ever seen the man. "He's- They're working on him. They say he's in tough condition, his heartbeat's still there. But-" And then George broke, a sob tearing through his throat. He collapsed into the chair next to John, Martha still kneeled in front of the boy. She shushed her husband, consoling him quietly and John watching guiltily.  _ His fault. _

John felt a hand on his shoulder and turned quickly to see Lafayette standing there and sweating, their eyes wide and breathing quick. They glanced back and forth from their father and John and then they started sputtering questions that John didn't know how to answer. "Laf- I'm so sorry. I'm  _ so  _ sorry."

"This is  _ not _ your fault, John. Hey, look at me." They promised through gasps. "None of our faults. It'll be okay. Blame will not save him."

John nodded and hugged them close, letting them cry into his shoulder and patting their back. Their friends joined in, shedding their own fearful tears. Even Jefferson and Madison in similar states to the others.

They waited for what seemed to be hours until a doctor stood at the doors called out Alexander's name. George and Martha raced forward after someone told them parents would be permitted in only and were brought behind the doors.

Arriving at the room, Alexander looked... Alive, sure, and breathing. But he sure didn't look it. The doctors had cleaned the blood from his face but there were bruises remaining and they  _ knew _ that the rest of him was likely worse. 

"Alexander! Oh, my baby..." Martha mumbled as she raced forward to kneel beside his bed and hold his hand loosely. As if he was a fragile, weeping flower. Alexander tried to shush them, telling them he was  _ fine _ , not dead, not hurt,  _ fine _ . The doctor had left, obviously to give them a few minutes of space, and silence fell over the room. Only broken by the harsh breathing of Alexander and subtle beeps of his heart monitor, and Martha's soft whispers. George had stared from the entrance, his emotions unreadable. But he looked like a  _ mess _ . Eventually, the doctor roamed back in with her lips set into a firm line.

"M'am, sir." She nodded. "I'd like to discuss Mr. Hamilton's health if you're ready. And if you need more time that is  _ perfectly _ understandable." But Martha and George waved for her to continue, so she began with a deep breath. "Mr. Hamilton had a Traumatic Pneumothorax, or collapsed lung. This was caused by some force upon his lung which causes air to enter the space between-"

As she continued, Alexander closed his eyes and tried to think of an excuse, anything to get Charles off the hook. He thought back to another event in his life... He'd gotten himself into a fight due to his what some would call obnoxious expression of his opinions and had been sent to the hospital in the worst shape he  _ thought _ possible. He remembered it being similar to the feeling of sickness he'd experienced when his mother... Or the impact the hurricane damages had on him, the falling wood and the-

He could say he got into a fight. Beaten up. As long as John didn't tell anyone... He still had time to save this. So as soon as the doctor had finished, he got out of his head to see the three people staring at him. "I'm sorry?" he rasped. Apparently, the shortness of breath had possibly come from another injury, but the collapsed lung might've credited as well.

"Mr. Hamilton, if you're comfortable we need to do a report and find out what happened. With police, but again only if you're comfortable. Or whenever you're ready."

Alexander froze, caught like a deer in headlights but expecting this. "Oh, no police, please. I just got into a fight. I pissed someone off, I guess."

"'Pissed someone off'? Sir, are you sure? If you're in danger or someone is-"

"No, I was just beaten up. That's all. The guy was bigger than me, I really shouldn't have yelled at him as I did. It's just, he started getting really racist and I couldn't hold it in." He insisted. The doctor sighed and nodded. She scribbled something onto the board and he could feel his parents' prying and sad eyes focused on him but he kept his gaze persistently forward and at the doctor.

"Well, we need to keep you for a few days. To examine your lungs, heart, and ribs. Whoever you fought must've been tough, Mr. Hamilton. Think about pressing charges, but no rush."

"That's alright. No charges."

She was silent as she gazed at him. "Think about it."

He ceded and nodded, already knowing that he would never. It wasn't even a  _ thought _ . He would never do that to Charles.  _ Charles _ ... Where was he? Did he know he was here? He'd be so mad. But he couldn't help but feel the need to have him here. To apologize, of course. He  _ hit _ him. He fucked up.

In his head at least.

But he had no more time to think about that because he heard footsteps leaving the room and barely heard George mutter a " _ Excuse me _ " before he had already left the room. Alexander glanced worriedly at Martha, a whimper forcing itself from his throat as he watched George's retreating back.

Martha shushed him, patting his head while she held him close. He wasn't mad... Was he?

Eventually, his friends were allowed in and they had  _ a lot  _ to say. But somehow no words came out. Their faces were solemn and depressed. Scared, as if they expected to see him lying dead on the bed. And John... He looked broken, absolutely destroyed. Guilt forced itself into Alexander's aching heart at his best friend's face... He shouldn't be upset. John did  _ nothing _ wrong, Alexander shouldn't have gotten him involved...

His fault, it was  _ his _ fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u finished! im sorry i j rlly wanna highlight how long it takes to get out of an abusive relationship bc there's a pattern and there's conditioning and it's sadly not that simple. (not from personal experience so im not completely accurate so please inform me if there's anything i could be doing better)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again whats up  
> lifes boring still  
> kinda sucks nglngl  
> but its ok im j really bored  
> TW///// SEXUAL ASSAULT, DEPRESSED BEHAVIOR, ABUSE

Days in the hospital were boring. Apparently, they'd found that he was slightly underweight. And there were damages to his body that he had nearly forgotten occurred. Still, he insisted- using the same capabilities he had during debates- that it was from past fights. That wasn't unbelievable to some people, but his friends  _ knew _ exactly where the injuries came from. 

And Charles didn't come to visit him until about a day and a half into his stay. Alexander had been dreading seeing him. There was no way his boyfriend would ever look at him the same. He  _ hit _ him. He wouldn't be shocked if Charles broke up with him or if his friends found out and  _ never _ spoke to him again. So when he saw Charles, apologies threatened to spill themselves from his lips.  _ But _ he assumed he should save that conversation for when his parents and friends left the room. Considering the fact that the second Charles walked in, everyone turned and stared and crossed their arms and- Alexander knew it wouldn't have a good outcome.

"We'll leave you." Martha spoke up with pursed lips. She guided her husband out of the room, giving a pointed look to a few of her son's friends when they hesitated. Alexander almost sighed in relief that he didn't have to deal with the tense atmosphere anymore. "We'll be back soon, Alex."

The door closed with a heavy thud, the heaviness of the room almost choking Alexander. But Charles was staring at him with an unrecognizable look, so Alexander suddenly broke out into a stream of apologies, tears dripping down his face and soaking the gauze on his face. Charles didn't like to see him cry, he remembered, so he covered his face with his hands. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I-I hit you, and I fucked up and I'm so sorry! Please don't leave me. I'll do anything."

Charles had approached his bed sometime during his ramble, remaining silent. Alexander took that as a signal to stay silent, except for the sobs that he couldn't hold back. Sobs turned to sniffles and sniffles turned to silence- and still no words from Charles. Alexander removed his hands from his face and stared at his bedsheets and quietly as he could. 

"You'll do anything?" Charles mumbled. He inched his hand toward Alexander's knee, moving it up and up- Alexander let out a quiet squeak in slight retaliation.

"But, Charlie-"

Charles tightened his grip, glaring at him. " _ Anything _ , Lexi." 

Alexander's mouth opened and closed, finally finding his voice when Charles' lips found his neck. " _ No _ , Charlie. There are cameras." And Charles didn't like that very much, because he slapped the smaller man in the face.

"Excuses, Alex. Cameras aren't allowed in our hospital's rooms. Remember?" And Alexander couldn't argue with that. He'd told himself he was done arguing with Charles because he needed to somehow convince Charles to forgive him. If he listened and was silent then maybe everything would be fine again. So he just nodded and tried to close his eyes as tight as he could. 

Alexander heard a few nurses mumbling about him as they walked past his room, where they thought he couldn't hear. Things about his condition and how he rarely spoke or ate. He needed to stop talking and stop  _ annoying _ everyone constantly. 

It wasn't easy, not when John came by every day. He didn't force him to talk, but somehow he drew the words that Alexander tried so hard to suppress out of him. A new story every day, that he'd tell with a giant smile that seemed to not reach his eyes. Alexander would stay in the hospital for about a week, and some days he'd talk back with as much enthusiasm, and others he would face the window silently, not even facing John. How could he when he knew that he  _ hit _ Charles and then let Charles do things to him right there in the hospital bed. 

Similar to today while he laid down with no movement, frail and pale. Facing away from his best friend and trying so hard to ignore a loud voice in his head that told him how  _ disgusted  _ John would be with him if he knew everything... Everything he's done, everything he's let happen to him.

He could  _ never  _ tell him. Never tell anyone.

"Alright, so take these once a day, and come by for a checkup that we'll set up on the phone." The doctor said with a smile, which faltered when she looked him in the eye. "And, be careful. Try not to get into anymore... fights, again." That felt strangely personal, sort of like she  _ knew. _ Alexander nodded stiffly, fidgeting, and avoided John's eyes. He was taking him home today since Charles hadn't come by. 

The car ride back to the dorms was quiet for some time before John cleared his throat. "So..." he started awkwardly, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Alexander looked away from the window and stared at John for a moment. "About what?" He said dully.  _ Don't talk, Alexander. Don't. _

"Everything? I mean the hospital and, well, everything?" John sounded like he was carefully treading around him, careful as if Alexander might break.

"There's nothing to talk about. I got into a fight, that's that."

John stopped abruptly at the red light in front of them, Alexander flinching harshly. " _ Yeah,  _ I heard that's what you told them. Even though I was the one who picked you up from your closet after Charles-"

"Charles didn't  _ do _ anything!" Alexander snapped. His heart beat fast in his chest and he stopped himself, flinching away from John and curling into himself. "I didn't mean to- I'm sorry. Just- Listen, Charles didn't do anything. This is all a huge misunderstanding."

Even to his own ears, it sounded weak. But John was  _ already _ ruining his plan and it hadn't even been a week. "A misunderstanding? You had a deflated lung, you're underweight, you were covered in bruises and blood and-" John sighed. "I don't even know what to say, Alex. I mean- What can I even do anymore?"

"Nothing." Alexander quietly said, turning to face the window again. "Just- Don't do anything."

He knew without seeing him that John was likely scrunching his nose up in frustration, a cute wrinkle around his eyes.

"Mr. Hamilton," Alexander snapped his neck up at the sound of his teacher's voice, "Can you answer this question?" Alexander flushed at being caught dozing off but narrowed his eyes at the screen presented and quickly stuttered out the answer. He felt eyes on him, making him look down at his desk just to avoid any possible eye contact. He felt his boyfriend shift next to him, grabbing his hand and giving him a weird look. He had no response, simply looking back to his notes and then the teacher.

Alexander Hamilton was many things. Loud, obnoxious, confrontational... Which is why when he was suddenly quiet and docile- people became worried. It was a slow slope at first, so slow that oftentimes his friends were convinced that would be the worst change of it. But then after his hospital visit, things seemed to take a turn for the worst. It was as if there was this breaking point that Alexander reached. Or possibly all of it built up, all of everything. Nobody really knew. Most weren't sure they wanted to know.

That didn't help the curiosity that everyone felt, the curiosity that Alexander's friends and family felt. John wanted revenge. He knew that  _ this _ Alexander would tell him that was stupid, that it would be best for him to leave it alone. But John knew  _ his _ Alexander would exact revenge no matter what it took. He thought it might be selfish and maybe wrong to separate the two but to him, it was something he needed to do. If he didn't, he didn't know how he'd look at him every day. Alexander was meant to be something big and he was meant to take over your senses the second he walked into a room. But this Alexander seemed to want to hide as best he could. He walked with shame and with some secret heavy on his shoulders.

John wouldn't mind sharing that burden with him.

Alexander was exhausted. Worn out and everything felt too heavy to even move. He spent most of his time with his head down and silent. Sleep was escaping him these days, more often than he thought it ever had. At night, at least. It was too dark, too quiet. Every night he regretted not switching to a different roommate, one who would talk and scream and blast music through the night. All so he wouldn't have to deal with this unbearable silence, his mind left alone to travel through whatever memories... Whatever thoughts that it wanted. He couldn't sleep at night.

_ So,  _ he found whatever time he could. Somewhere loud, somewhere unimportant, somewhere he didn't have to be left alone with his head. And as most people know, a dining place at almost any school is the perfect place if you needed somewhere loud, crowded, somewhere where you could exist and barely be noticed. 

He didn't worry much about dealing with Charles' punishments lately, because they seemed to come for no reason. He tried his hardest to stop giving him a reason. He barely  _ spoke _ and he tried not to breathe in the wrong way. Anything to take away Charles' anger at him. But something was different... Because Charles must've gotten bored with how Alexander was hesitant and quiet and- Even though it was  _ all _ for him. Alexander thought that since Charles had hit him just because he was  _ there _ and Charles was in a bad mood that maybe it would be best not to be there for a while. 

Physically, maybe, he was there. But he spent the period of time where he'd tail Charles to one of the dining halls-  _ a few times even though he was missing class-  _ sleeping as best he could.

Like a specific day where he had his head comfortably on Charles' shoulder, his eyes shut and head swimming. Whether that be from pain or lack of sleep, he felt like everything around him was moving fast, and faster, and like he was  _ stuck _ in moments that should have been long gone. It was true, though, that they were far in the past. But they felt more present than they had when he was first living through them. Back then he thought there was something around him, clouding his vision and keeping him separate from the events. But now he was in them. He could  _ hear  _ everything and he could  _ feel... _ everything. 

And no matter how much he wanted to open his eyes, he knew that the memories wouldn't go away when he did. Once they got started he found they never stopped. They never would stop, would they?

Acting the way that Charles always forced him to seemed to make things worse. Appeasing him made Charles  _ look _ for things to get angry about. He would magnify issues, worse than he used to. One night, specifically, Alexander remembered coming home late... 

_ He was exactly twelve minutes late to the apparent curfew that was set for him. Charles told him that since one night he'd roamed around for over three hours after leaving work without telling anyone, that he had to stop by his dorm every day before going home. "To make sure you won't leave me. You'll  _ never _ leave me." As Charles insisted. _

_ So he tried his hardest to rush there, but it turned out that twelve, twelve, twelve minutes would be his downfall. He had a key to Charles' door that he used to unlock it as fast he could, praying to everything that Charles might be asleep. But when he slammed the door open, he saw his boyfriend sitting up on his bed with empty cans of beer strewn lazily around the floor. He had his eyes angrily on the floor, quickly snapping up when he heard the door open. _

_ Before Alexander knew what was happening, he was on the floor with Charles pressing his phone against his hand. "Tell them you quit. Call them right now and tell them you quit." Alexander didn't have the energy to shake his head, to resist. He simply nodded weakly with a strength that he didn't have and dialed the number. _

_ The phone was ringing, and he could feel his hand losing its grip. His grasp on the phone got weaker, as he felt his brain spinning. But Charles pushed it up to his ear and held it there for him. Alexander heard the tone end and the sound of his boss asking what he wanted in his usual dismissive fashion.  _

_ "I-I'm quitting, sir." Alexander stammered. He felt a tear drip down his face and his hands shake.  _

_ "Alexander, are you safe? Is there- Is someone with you?" _

_ "No. I'm alright. I just- I'm quitting. Sorry. I have to go now. Goodnight." Alexander pulled the phone into his grip and hung up, blocking out the lecture that Charles continued to give him. Blocking out everything. _

So Alexander didn't know what to do. How to act. Because Charles never seemed satisfied. Charles never seemed happy with him.

And then there was John. John who he hadn't seen for a time that he hadn't bothered counting. And maybe in the past holding onto the thread that was his best friend and his... Whatever they had been, would've been enough. But lately? He could tell that there was really nothing he was holding onto. People couldn't save him this time. Nothing could.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am soroyyryry  
> its been to long yall  
> life is,,, even more crazy  
> its good now tho j hda a lil tough patch  
> IM BACKKKKK  
> tw//   
> abuse, depression, hospitals

Alexander's mind naturally went miles a minute, rushing past one thought into another. He'd always tried to occupy himself with as much as he could, working many jobs as a  _ child _ to forget about the slow and painstaking death of his mother. Working as hard as he could in college to ensure he got faster than the demons of his past. The struggle to do so had obviously taken a toll on the man. Whether from exhaustion, being overworked, or another- He constantly appeared beyond death.

When he was forced to quit his job and forced to be on what seemed to be a set schedule by Charles, he expected a sense of calm to go over him. He expected sudden relaxation and a lack of whirlwinds in his head. For some reason, his friends had always insisted if he 'took a break' he might just lose all his stress.  _ However _ , it appeared that instead the whirlwind was replaced by a fucking tsunami. Repetitive ones. Because he felt like his thoughts and every  _ word _ he'd ever heard were crashing in giant waves above him while the past remained enough to drown him. 

He had nothing better to do than sleep and go to class and sleep again. Of course, he still had to tag along behind Charles like a lost puppy. Charles claimed that he didn't trust him enough. Alexander didn't know what he thought he would do. His friends hadn't- Actually, he hadn't spoken to his friends in about 2 weeks. He  _ thought  _ 2 weeks at least. Days were blending into each other and for some reason the only thing on his mind was how  _ (f-insert) _ his relationship became. He knew he should leave.

Really, he did. But he was horrified enough of Charles finding out he was having his doubts. If he ever did leave Charles... He knew that neither him  _ or  _ the ones he loved would be safe.

It hurt, but he knew that it was necessary.

"You haven't been yourself lately." Burr commented with pursed lips, staring at Alexander. The latter was laying in his bed facing the wall, so still that Burr thought he might've been dead.

"I'm exhausted." He tried to brush it off, closing his eyes and urging sleep to come over him again. 

Burr didn't believe him, sighing heavily through his nose. "Alexander, you're the same person who wrote a 51 paged essay when you only needed 5 at most. And yet you haven't gone to class in... A week? Two?"

"My bad." Alexander dismissed, hoping that was enough. 

"Lafayette came the other day. You were asleep. Hercules, Eliza, Angelica, Peggy, even Thomas and James. Laurens did, too."

Alexander couldn't help the large frown that suddenly overtook his features. The thought of his friends... Likely worried... He struggled with his willpower to turn himself over, facing the ceiling after an internal debate. "I'll text them. Did they say anything? Are they... Mad?"

Burr scoffed, "Why would they be  _ mad? _ But yes, they told me they were worried... Asked if you were alright. Taking your pain medication from your hospital visit." 

So Charles hadn't told anyone yet. That was relieving. "Oh. I am. You told them I was, right?"

"Alex, your bottle hasn't been touched for a week."

"I just forgot. I feel better, anyways."

Burr shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Alex, text them. They're worried sick... And you should eat something. And get some fresh air."

"I will. Thanks."

Burr nodded, turning to his work.

Alexander reached for his phone, noticing it was at 3%. Quickly fumbling to plug it in, he sighed as he scrolled through his texts, not bothering to open them and sliding onto the groupchat.

** nonstophoe: hey guys **

** lizard: Alexander!!!! Hi! **

** angel: alexander! **

** nonstophoe: hiiii- i had a question **

** imfrench: Mon petit lion!!!! How are you? **

** nonstophoe: im alright, laf. i was just wondering if you guys wanted to hang soon. like tonight or idk something **

** macncheese: finallyyyy yes rattt we do **

** nonstophoe: who r u calling rat whore **

** zerotohero: fight fight fight **

** zerotohero: also yea im free **

** pegme: lexi!!!! im down **

** lizard: Is this a 'bring water' type of night orrrrr **

** nonstophoe: just to hangout. dont feel like drinking tonight **

** angel: shock- **

** macncheese: did u finally go to rehab **

** nonstophoe: eat a dick **

** imfrench: did i hear dick **

** nonstophoe: anyways- can u guys come to my house arnd 2 hrs from now? **

** zerotohero: ok!! **

Alexander set his phone down next to him, realizing that now he had to convince himself to shower and brush his teeth and get dressed and- He clenched his eyes shut and turned back onto his side. His head was miles away from his body, refusing to cooperate and leaving him immobilized. 

He hadn't even asked Charles, his head noted quietly. For some reason, he couldn't find it in himself to care. What would he do? Hit him, punch him? There wasn't anything new in-store.

He hoped.

Around an hour later, he opened his eyes and grabbed his phone, dialing the only number he had for the past two weeks. He heard the dial tone ring and ring and then go right to voicemail. He hung up, not bothering to leave one and texting him instead.

** Me: hey, im gnna have some friends over tonight. just a few **

** charlie: Who **

** Me: the usual... laf, thomas, angelica, eliza, peggy, hercules, james possibly... **

** charlie: Laurens **

** Me: hasn't answered **

** charlie: They have to leave by 11 pm. No drinking. No drugs. Call me when they do. **

** Me: ok **

** charlie: ...? **

** Me: love you **

** charlie: Good. You too **

He sighed and threw his phone down, forcing himself to stand and walk to his closet. He had not gotten dressed or showered in longer than he was proud of. None of his clothes looked comfortable enough, nothing big enough. Running a hand down his face, he grabbed a random hoodie and pair of fitting sweatpants.

The second he got to the showers, he looked into the mirror and had to do a doubletake at his reflection. He was a mess of tangled, greasy hair, and dead eyes. He had a bruise that lingered on the side of his face, and many that he knew were covered. He was horrified that the second someone saw him they'd know how  _ weak  _ and  _ powerless _ he was. If they saw how bruised and damaged he was, he was scared no one would want to even go near him.

He didn't waste any more time staring at a person he didn't recognize.

By the time he finished showering and got back to his dorm, it was 10 minutes before they were set to arrive. He was dressed comfortably and found himself at a loss of what to do. He should check his email. Make sure he wasn't kicked out of school yet.

At this point, he wasn't sure he'd care.

After a quick read through, he discovered he  _ wasn't _ kicked out. There were many worried messages from teachers, but none saying he was kicked out. He knew it couldn't be long until he was. 

All he could think about was the fact that so many other people deserved his scholarship over him. 

He was a waste.

The first person to arrive was Lafayette, pounding down the door and enveloping their foster brother in a hug the second they saw him. They rambled of how much they missed him and fussed over him. Everyone else came in and hugged him-  _ Eliza copying Lafayette's previous actions- _ and looked close to tears.

By the time they were sat down and talking, he noticed someone was missing. John.

Alexander frowned and pulled out his phone, looking through his texts and seeing if he'd missed anything.

He hadn't.

** Me: hey john, are you coming? **

** johnathan: u sure u want me to **

** Me: please come. **

Alexander's attention was drawn away from his phone by his friends calling his name, looking at him expectantly. "Uh, sorry?"

Peggy deadpanned him, but there was a hint of worry in her eyes. "We wanted to know why you went AWOL.  _ Again." _

"Just been feeling extra tired lately," He lied with a laugh, "I guess my work was finally catching up with me."

There was a tense silence for about ten seconds when Angelica spoke up with a snort. "Amazing. Truly. It was only about time."

Alexander shook his head, laughing and shrugging. "Unfortunately."

The night was amazing. Alexander found himself enjoying life for the few hours that he had them over, but when the clock hit 10:45 he remembered that they had to leave within the next 15 minutes, and a wave of regret rushed over him. He forced a smile to his face, trying to think of the least confrontational way of saying it.

He was a little disappointed John hadn't shown up, tempted to push past Charles' rule and do whatever he could to have a conversation with the taller man. To  _ see  _ him. 

Most of his friends were hovering over the Switch that Thomas brought, only Hercules sitting on his phone a little bit away, narrowing his eyes at something. Alexander cleared his throat and sat next to him. 

"I have a question."

Hercules rose an eyebrow, hiding his phone suspiciously. "Ask away."

"Why isn't John here? I asked him and he asked if I'd want him to come... Is there something I'm missing?"

Hercules' reaction confirmed Alexander's worries, but he shrugged. "Oh- Well, I don't know."

"Herc,  _ please." _

Hercules considered it for a moment, looking Alexander in the eye as if internally debating with himself. "John loves you. You know that?" Alexander felt blood rush to his cheeks, but he nodded slowly. "Okay... And you know how bad he feels for, as he puts it, 'getting you in trouble with Charles'?"

"But that's... He didn't do anything wrong." Alexander mumbled.

"He... Says otherwise. You should talk to him. I can tell him to come."

"I can't because Charles wants me to be alone by 11."

"Ah, the curfew. Alex..."

"I know what you're gonna say. It's fine though." Alexander cringed at Hercules' poorly hidden pity and made his mind up. "Tell him to come. It's fine." That wasn't smart. He  _ knew _ that wasn't smart. But he couldn't handle the pity and the-

"You sure?" Hercules asked, putting the shorter man into a hug. 

"I'm sure."

John arrived about 5 minutes later, obviously in disarray. He looked unsure when he saw Alexander, hesitating with guilt on his features.

"We'll go." Lafayette cleared their throat, leading their friends out of the dorm and raising their eyebrows at Alexander. 

Neither of them quite knew what to do, standing there with their arms to their sides and frowns plastered on their faces.

"I'm sorry." Alexander suddenly blurted out. He fiddled with the sleeves of whatever hoodie he was wearing, looking at the floor to avoid seeing John.

" _ You're  _ sorry? Alex-" John rushed forward and grasped Alexander's hands as gently as he could while still reassuring himself that Alexander was healthier and not dying- "Charles could've killed you. Because of  _ me _ . You- You were right that night. I shouldn't get involved."

"I didn't  _ mean _ it like that- It's not your fault. You were just  _ protecting  _ me and I'm so sorry I made you feel so bad. I've missed you so much." Alexander didn't know when he started crying, but all he  _ did  _ know was that tears were slowly dripping down his face.

John embraced him, holding him tightly to his chest and shushing him. "No, don't feel sorry. I missed you  _ so  _ much. We need to stop doing this. Calm down, Lex. I love you... I love you so much." John kissed the top of his head gently and closed his eyes.

Alexander hadn't realized the extent to which he missed John. He felt like collapsing in his arms and falling asleep right there, more comfortable than he'd been in a long time. It felt nice just to be held.

Time was racing toward when he'd have to call Charles, but he really couldn't force himself to separate from John. Hugging him, being  _ near  _ him, felt like coming home. 

The sudden awareness that he wanted to come home to John hit him like a pile of bricks. Thinking of Charles used to make him feel this way, but not anymore. 

He pulled away from John and looked him in the eye, right before kissing him softly and shortly. He knew that no matter how many times he felt the completing thought that John was who he belonged with, that he'd always end up crawling back to Charles. Leaving John for dirt. But at that moment he hadn't been able to stop himself. He ran his hand through his hair and distanced himself slightly from John because he knew he'd felt so unloved for so long that he would look for it in him.

"That's my hoodie," John commented offhandedly. 

Alexander looked down at the blue fabric and gasped. "Shit, sorry. I didn't realize. Do you want it back-" 

"No." John shook his head. "You keep it. Do you want me to leave?" He added quietly.

"I'm scared of what I'd do if you don't," Alexander admitted, honestly. He bit his tongue right after speaking. "I mean-"

"I can deal with it, Alex. I can deal with not having you. I don't  _ want  _ to have you. I just wanna love you and be close with you and- I'd let you do anything. I love you."

Alexander knew that he'd regret this. It was a pattern, a constant cycle. But at that moment all he could do was gently hold John's hands and kiss him with all the love that he'd been hiding for weeks. Time felt like it was stopped just for them. To protect them from Charles who was bound to angrily storm in. Protect them from  _ everything _ .

Alexander felt his phone buzz, giving him a much-needed reality-check.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ,,, so jesus  
> this chapter is one of the most fucked but hope yall enjoy??? im sorry  
> i wanna go into alexs coping mechanisms bc soon well have to cover his recovery,,,  
> i have the ideas of the next 5 chapters written out and so they'll prolly come out faster!!!  
> MAJOR TW/// abuse, sexual assault, cheating, ptsd, disassociation

The feeling of vibrations against his leg snapped Alexander out of his giddy daze, staring right into John's eyes and the harsh reality falling on him like the first storm of the summer. The warmth that was previously spread across his every inch disappeared into a cold and numbness akin to frostbite. John's eyes hardened like cement and he took a step back, either on purpose or subconsciously. Alexander hoped the latter.

He raised the phone to his ear, sliding to answer and spoke out a shaky greeting. "Hey, Charlie. Sorry about not calling." He looked down at the floor, no longer able to hold the intense stare of his best friend without sharp guilt stabbing him in the stomach. There seemed to be heavy breathing on the other end, the anger radiating through the call.

"Where are you," Charles demanded. His voice was stern, but it also sounded as if he  _ knew _ something that Alexander didn't.

"Uh- I'm at my dorm. What's wrong?" 

"Are you alone?" Alexander froze, stammering.

"Uh, yeah. Why?"

"Stop  _ fucking _ lying, Alexander!" Charles suddenly shouted through the phone. Alexander bit his lip, glancing up at John with panic and fear evident in his eyes. "King saw you two. He saw John go into your dorm and he didn't see him leave. Are you fucking him,  _ whore _ ? Hm?" Alexander's hands began to shake where he held his phone.

" _ No,  _ Charlie. Of course not. We were just talking."

"I'm not stupid. Godfucking damnit Alexander! Get to my fucking dorm  _ right now _ . I'm not joking. I will fucking kill you."

Alexander nodded hurriedly, for a second forgetting Charles couldn't see him. "Yes. Okay. I'm coming. I- Charlie. I'm sorry-"

The tone signified that Charles must've ended the call. Alexander didn't know whether to be glad or  _ horrified _ . On one hand, he didn't know if he could handle listening and dealing with hearing the harsh pants and harsh words coming from his angry-  _ beyond angry- _ boyfriend but  _ also _ the fact that Charles had decided he needed to hang up wasn't a good sign. He stuttered out an excuse to John, who looked panicked as he watched Alexander rush around his room looking like a madman. 

"What's wrong? Does he know?"

" _ Yes _ . Yes, he knows. I have to- I have to go. To his dorm. I'll see you later. Or maybe not. I-"

John grabbed Alexander's wrist, tighter than he'd wanted to judging by the flinch that Alexander suddenly had, and begged him not to stay. _ "No.  _ No. You can't. He'll kill-"

" _ Nothing _ will happen to me. I have to  _ go _ ." Alexander pulled his arm out of the other's grasp and ran out of the room and rushed as fast he could to Charles, leaving John left open-mouthed standing in his dorm. 

Alexander got to Charles about 6 minutes after, finding the door unlocked and opening it with his sweaty palms slipping on the handle. Charles was sitting with his legs hanging off his bed, hands locked on his lap. Alexander didn't notice Reynolds and King standing in the room until about a minute after, their smirking faces burning holes into his eyes. They had a scheme evident in their eyes as if they knew what was to come. 

"You're such a slut __ Alexander." Charles suddenly laughed. "I honestly thought that something was going on there from the very first time the two of you met but now that I know it's  _ true _ . Damn! I mean  _ fuck!" _

"I'm sorry. It wasn't supposed to-" Charles interrupted the shorter man's trembling voice by seizing his chin in an assertive and rough grip. The strangest thing was the grin plastered on the irate man's face. 

" _ Get on your knees."  _ Charles sneered. Alexander gaped, glancing at the other two people in the room but only getting raised eyebrows and chuckles in response. Alexander tried to object but could  _ feel _ King and Reynolds moving in on him and the feeling of King's hand suddenly on his arm magnified a billion times. A sense of dread overtook him, and discomfort spread through his veins. Charles grabbed his ponytail, pulling his head back, and hissed into his ear, "I  _ said get on your fucking knees _ ." Alexander clenched his eyes shut when fingers danced on his neck, an ill-fitting gentle kiss pressed on the column of his throat.

There was an uninvited chill that suddenly set across the room when Charles shoved Alexander to his knees and the sound of metal unbuckling filled his ears. "You  _ love  _ his dick so much, maybe you can appreciate your own boyfriend's too." 

"Charlie, I'm sorry.  _ Please, _ not right now." Alexander whimpered. He desperately avoided looking at the other two people in the room. Embarrassment already flooded through his veins at the vulnerability. Charles slapped him across his cheek. He almost felt himself fall over but Reynolds held him up with a bruising grip on his arm. Alexander snapped his mouth shut and cursed himself for talking. He saw Charles pull his... Out of his pants, before out of nowhere it was almost as if he was out of his body. He was watching from somewhere else, seeing himself passed from Charles, to Reynolds, and then King. His throat felt as if it was bleeding.

They looked down at him like he was 2 inches tall, their hands in his hair. Holding him solidly in place and not allowing him to move a centimeter. They  _ owned _ him, in those moments. They controlled every breath he took and every- His entire  _ life _ had been about establishing some sort of semblance of control over his life. It was a mess from the very beginning, and for a few years it felt like he'd set everything back on track.

But right now, feeling as if he was watching himself get used and tossed away, he was sure he'd never regain control. They laughed when he cried as King pulled away from him, collapsing on his side only to be pulled back up and punched across the face for no reason but their own entertainment. 

"What's wrong, Alex? Don't like it now? Hm?" Charles whispered in his ear. "Think John'll kiss you now that you've had three  _ dicks _ in your mouth in one night? Ha! Or four, am I right? Can't forget about Laurens. Tell me, Lex. Did you make him cum? Did  _ you _ finish? Was it good? Was it better?" Charles spat questions at him with anger, kicking him where he'd somehow fallen onto the floor.

Alexander just barely caught a glance of some blinking red light that was around Charles' desk, facing the scene. For a second he dwelled on it in confusion before he was pulled into another compromising position. He looked up and saw Reynolds smirking down at him, grabbing his wrists and- 

Alexander normally passed out when this happened... He usually didn't have to experience it, but this time he was wide awake and felt every bit of pain as it all happened. Somehow he  _ knew _ he wouldn't remember it when he  _ did _ fall asleep. He always seemed to... 

When they decided they had enough, they threw him to the floor and snickered at his pitiful shaking. "C'mon, Lee. Let's go down to Monroe's." 

"Wanna come there, Lexi? Wanna show everyone  _ else _ how much of a whore you are? Wanna let them use you too?  _ Everyone _ at Monroe's... Well?" Charles taunted. He jabbed Alexander piercingly in the ribs with his foot. "Well?", he yelled.

"No,  _ no,  _ no, Charlie, please-" Alexander denied incoherently. His words were slurring together and he felt a distinct wetness  _ everywhere _ . He briefly recognized that he was naked, feeling two more kicks in various spots on his destroyed body before the door closed with a loud slam. 

Alexander told himself he could finally break now that they were gone, but for some reason all he could do was stare blankly at the wall while he shook and twitched.  _ Everything _ hurt, and he had a cloud that was settled over him. He couldn't scream, or cry, or move. 

Eventually, he fell into a heavy sleep.

Alexander woke covered in things he didn't want to know, laid on the floor of Charles' dorm with his boyfriend watching without expression as Alexander shot up and immediately felt his bones give up, sending him to the floor again. Charles was speaking, but Alexander only saw the movement of his mouth and yet couldn't hear anything. Slowly his words got louder as the ringing in his ear dimmed into a low thrum. 

"... and was that how he did it? Leave you on the floor like the dirty whore that you are? Or... Did he love you? Hm? Do you love him?" Charles growled out the last question, Alexander mustering barely a whimper. " _ Well?" _

Flinching at the harsh voice and trying to suppress the memories from the night before flashing into his vision as his voice struggled to come out. Pain erupted in a burning sensation in his throat like the words were grating. Giving up, he shook his head despite the large lie. He attempted to force himself up one more time. To ignore the excruciating pain. When this failed, he swallowed his pride and crawled to Charles, set in as much of a passive position as possible. He placed his hand on his boyfriend's knee, looking up at him pleadingly from where he was on the floor. 

"Oh, Lexi." Charles sighed, cupping the redhead's cheek with a faux softness. Alexander noticed with fear the hard-set anger in his eyebrows. "Such a shame, isn't it? The illegitimate orphan smart scholar from the Caribbean who got into Columbia... Stole the scholarship from so many others, hm? And yet... He turned out to be a disgusting, ungrateful whore" Charles yanked his head back by his hair-  _ Alexander didn't know when it was taken out of its tie-  _ and put his other hand around the already aching and bruised throat of his boyfriend. Alexander didn't object or speak or beg, staring at Charles in the eye with the most guilty and troubled look. 

"You've become so docile, you know that? All of that spite... Passion... It's gone, isn't it? I remember hearing about you," Alexander tried his hardest to swallow around the grip stopping him, "This spitfire, obnoxious bastard that needed to be taken down a notch. Hm? Do you know that's true, Lexi?" Alexander nodded with one tear dripping down his cheek. "I don't even know how we got here..." Charles was suddenly laughing. "I mean, how did I fall in love with  _ you? _ You're fucking revolting. Have you looked at yourself lately? Look!" Charles dragged him by his hair over to the full-sized mirror across the small room, removing the hand around his throat momentarily. 

Alexander choked on a broken sob when he saw himself, covered in blood and sweat and tears and... It was in his hair, on his face, and  _ everywhere. _ Bruises stood out alone his pale neck and his lips seemed bitten and swollen. His hair pointed in every direction in a way that wasn't like its usual messiness.

He looked  _ horrible. _ He was horrified to think of what he'd blacked out from. He didn't remember many things, as per usual when Charles... Had his fits.

"Do you think anyone else would love this, Alex? Do you think anyone could look at you and feel attracted to you? You're lucky I waste my time with you. Pull something like this again... You'll  _ really _ be alone."

Charles threw him back to the floor, Alexander wincing and clenching his eyes shut until he was positive Charles had left. He picked himself up, finding it a lot easier without the chokehold tension of Charles' presence. Luckily, Charles had a nearly empty corridor and thus Alexander could make his way to the bathroom without being stared down or acknowledged. He cleaned off his injuries with no feelings, his shaking hands numb and his brain thoughtless. He tried his  _ hardest  _ to remember what had happened the night before. He remembered a blinking red light-  _ that was probably his eyesight giving up, he thought- _ , he remembered bruised knees, but there was the sound of a chuckle and a voice that wasn't Charles' growls or his screams that stood out sharply. He thought back... Who else had been there? 

It hit him like a ton of bricks, realizing that King and Reynolds had seen Charles... And possibly had done something to him themselves. He wished there was a way he could find out. The uncertainty of how  _ far _ his punishment had gone was killing him. 

He couldn't ask Charles, he couldn't ask King or Reynolds. He was left wondering. Left staring at his reflection and examining the feeling of his throat in a vile realization that  _ maybe _ if it hurt more than usual... Which it  _ did _ , he realized regrettably.  _ Way _ worse.

How could he  _ face _ them again?

How could he face his  _ friends  _ again? If they knew how fucking  _ used _ and  _ damaged  _ he was, he knew they'd never see him the same. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI OK IM BACK  
> idk if yall read the explanation i wrote in the comments but basically work is overworking me, a 15 y/o sooo im vv sorry  
> ANYWAYS  
> TW/// hospital mention, vomit, brain injuries, abuse, rape, panic attacks  
> enjoy???? i'll try to update more but idk-  
> next chapter will make yall happy

Charles claimed that while he'd shown Alexander who he belonged to... That John still hadn't been taught his lesson. Hearing those words come from his boyfriend as he snickered with his friends filled Alexander with dread, glancing up at him with panic. 

"What do you mean" Alexander shakily questioned. He saw King on his phone, tapping on the screen while Charles watched patiently. As if waiting for something. Eventually, the painful silence ended when the phone was brought up to Alexander's face. 

He didn't know what emotion overtook him when he saw what was displayed.

There was the familiar stone-cold feeling of fear, horrendously morphed with a burning heat on his ears and nose. Words escaped him, choking on his spit when he saw  _ himself _ doing things he couldn't even slightly remember. He was sure if he had been shoved around and passed from person to person that he'd know. 

But there was proof right in front of him, and he remained none the wiser that half of the events shown had occurred. He cringed when King spoke, overpowering the sounds of cries coming from the phone. "Wait, but is this the best one? I was thinking the most recent one might've been our best."

Alexander gaped. "There's more?" He whispered, barely loud enough to be heard by the rest of them. Charles smirked, grabbing his chin and looking him right in the eye. The way his eyebrow tilted told Alexander his answer. There were  _ many  _ more.

Alexander felt more emotions than he felt possible, but one stood strong and loud in the mix. There was a raging storm of a billion colors blended into one, but a stark red stood out. Burning, spreading,  _ intense  _ anger. "Are you  _ serious? _ What the actual fuck, Charles?" He found his voice  _ loudly _ and yanked himself away from his boyfriend. "I mean- God, if this gets out- And how could you? I would never- You  _ know _ I would never!" Alexander knew that the past repeated itself with Charles. He knew that yelling never got him anywhere but into a hospital. Somehow, he felt himself repeating past mistakes as he yelled as loud as he could. His throat was aching and felt scraped, but he couldn't stop. Not as long as those videos existed, proof to the world that he was nothing better than a bastard-immigrant-whore. 

Amid his anger, his vision was blurred and all he could feel was the rage coursing through his veins. Rage and confusion. Until he felt an abrupt  _ break _ somewhere around his ribcage, and his blood froze. He was coughing before he could even register the pain, and there was red coming out onto his fingers. He didn't want to falter, he wanted to push through and yell until his voice didn't work. But it felt like he was underwater trying to scream but all he could do was drown. 

Charles was looking down at him with that same disappointed look, his mouth opening and he was talking, but Alexander blocked it out in favor of staring at his hand that had a red stain on it, looking blankly and barely registering the pain in his stomach. Was that bad? That he could barely feel the pain until it reached a certain point? 

He didn't realize that Charles had slapped him until he was facing the other wall, and Charles must've asked something of him because he was staring at him with anger and expectation. Before he could even open his mouth Charles threw him into his dresser. Alexander's vision erupted in a mess of every color at once. He tried to close his eyes, the display quickly causing his head to ache. But it didn't seem to be going away anytime soon. It slowly faded to black, the last thing Alexander registering being Charles dragging him by the front of his shirt to look at him and shaking him hard. 

_ 'I get myself into the same situation too many times.'  _ Was the first thing that Alexander thought when he woke up. After that, the pain in his head registered. It wasn't as it  _ should _ have been, but he felt his horrifyingly good tolerance for pain affect the feeling. Still, his thoughts were cut off because it felt like every word was screamed. He tried to stand, but his vision turned white then black and he collapsed back onto the floor. He wondered if Charles was still in the room, watching him silently. He didn't know if he could, because he barely felt capable to lift his head. He registered a familiar sound of footsteps, so he shut his eyes and hoped the other person wouldn't notice he was awake. 

Jolting him, a hand cupped his cheek lightly. He opened his eyes out of fear, squinting at the eyes in front of him. He was laid on his side and Charles had laid so he was facing him. In a moment of cloudiness, he felt his instincts kick in and scream at him to run. But with the emotion in Charles' eyes... He couldn't help but leave into the touch even as tears streamed down his face. Charles leaned and kissed him, but he couldn't even muster up the energy to reciprocate. Charles didn't seem to care, kissing him softly the way he always did after a night such as the last. He normally acted kind the days he lost control.

But then his hand tightened where it was resting on Alexander's hip. He squeezed tight until he heard the redhead let out a cry against his lips. Charles began to breathe heavily. "I don't understand you. So many times. I've told you  _ so _ many times. Don't. Yell. At me. Don't talk  _ back _ to me. Why is so hard you to understand, baby?" He spoke to him as if he were a child, but his fingers were tightening and tightening. "You think anybody else will ever love you? Will ever put up with you? Your little  _ Laurens  _ won't even go near you the second he knows the things you've done. What do you think?"

Alexander couldn't talk, opening his mouth and trying to but being interrupted by Charles smashing his mouth against his own. He swallowed his words and pushed Alexander over so that Charles was propped up on top of him. His hands moved to his neck. "Hm? What do you fucking think!" Charles laughed a little, and Alexander could see in his eyes that he'd  _ snapped _ and he felt fear kick in. His tears had dried up minutes before, and somehow no more came out. He stared up at Charles with the most apologetic expression he could muster. "How  _ dare _ you, Alexander? I know  _ everything  _ you've done with him. Every. Little. Fucking. Thing. So I showed him how to treat you. How little sluts like it. Think he'll still kiss you now? Knowing what that mouth's done? Think he needs to see more?" 

John saw. Alexander wanted so badly to cry, to scream. He wanted to pound his fists on the ground until his knuckles bled. How was John ever gonna look at him the same way? Had he genuinely seen? Was Charles lying? Would he ever find out? Charles was laughing at the terror that overtook his face, so Alexander pushed through the ever-growing dizziness, lifting his hands and pounding weakly at Charles' chest. 

"Get'off" He heard his voice slur out. "Stop, 'arlie. Please." 

Charles only laughed harder, moving his hands from Alexander's throat just before he passed out and relocating them to his wrists. He pinned them down, Alexander whining and coughing as best he could from his position. The taller boy moved his face close to his boyfriend's and squeezed the two wrists together tighter. "Wanna show him more, Lexi? What if we give him a  _ live _ show?"

"No! Charl-" Alexander's distress was stopped by his throat desperately protesting and tightening beyond belief. 

Charles flipped Alexander over so he was laid on his stomach and pulled his pants down quickly, Alexander incapable of focusing his eyes as it felt like his brain had been shaken. Everything was moving even as he was just slightly able to move. He tried to ignore everything going on behind him even as he let out a blood-curling scream, the last noise his throat could make before it gave up. Charles was grunting into his ear and chuckling at the same time.

"Next time," Charles started, "I'll make sure your precious Laurens is here. Mark my words, Lexi. He'll see.  _ Everyone  _ will see."

Alexander closed his eyes and convinced himself this wasn't happening, and an overwhelming sense of nausea crept over him. The last thing he remembered was throwing up before he blacked out completely.

Waking up the second time on the same day was an odd feeling, but it felt strangely similar to him. He woke in a pool of his blood and vomit, an annoying tingling in his legs and arms and a headache that was incessantly pounding. He ignored the lingering question of what the  _ fuck  _ had happened to him. There felt like a black space in his memory... Everywhere. Looking around, he recognized this to be Charles' dorm. So he had an idea of what occurred. He also didn't know how the fuck he was going to get up, to get on his feet and walk out of the room and back to his dorm and act as if nothing had happened. All that he  _ did  _ know, was that he had to. Giving himself a mini pep talk even as he felt himself gasping for air, he pulled himself up using a dresser. His stomach had an immense pain. A blend of nausea and stabbing pain. But he couldn't stop. He  _ couldn't _ . Alexander felt himself freeze when he saw the red that was dried on the dresser. The corner of it. So he'd likely hit his head. He didn't know how he'd cover this one up.

Walking was a weird task, as it seemed that no matter how hard he tried to focus- His feet weren't landing in the right spots. He stopped for a moment and leaned against the wall for a second, something in his head telling him he had to clean up his mess. It didn't sound like himself, but  _ someone _ who wasn't even here was telling him to clean it up. He dragged himself to what looked like the storage and quickly cleaned it, shaking hard the entire time.

The second he finished, he felt new nausea take over him. Alexander cursed himself as he moved as fast as he could to the nearest garbage pail. Once he felt his stomach settle, he sobbed in his hands. How the hell had he gotten here?

The following hour was weird. He'd found his way back to his dorm, but everything seemed unfamiliar. Something felt out of place. The person he recognized after a second of lapse in memory to be Aaron Burr was staring at him strangely when he silently dragged himself into the room and fell into his bed.

"Do you have a question?" He heard his voice rasp out. He thought he'd cleaned himself up decently. Then again, he hadn't seen clearly for long enough to know what was decent. He'd seen a few things stand out among the mix of colors. A gash on his eyebrow and chin. Bruises on his neck and wrists. Everything else was coverable. But for some reason despite his best efforts, Burr was gaping. 

"You were gone for 3 days, Hamilton. Yes, I do have questions." Three days? He'd thought it'd been one. "I'd ask what happened to your face but..."

"God, does it matter? I'm fine." Alexander snapped. He glared as best as he could, turning over to face the wall.

"Alexander..."

"What?" He grunted.

"You're  _ bleeding _ . Can I please help you?"

"No. I don't need help." 

"What  _ happened _ , Alexander?"

"Nothing.  _ Nothing _ happened. Can I go to bed now?"

"Fine," Burr responded. But there was something to his voice. He wasn't going to leave this alone, Alexander suspected. But he closed his eyes regardless. He could hear Burr suddenly tapping away at his phone, the noise of a text sending, and then he returned to his work. 

Alexander didn't open his eyes, but for some reason, there was still some bright color displayed in his sight.

"Alex. Wake up." The injured man groaned in response, turning over to avoid the voice. "Hey. Look at me. I know you're awake." Alexander forced his eyes open, ready to snap at whoever decided to wake him up to face his large headache and odd feeling just about everywhere when he saw John Laurens. Suddenly, he remembered that  _ John  _ saw the videos and that  _ John  _ was never going to look at him the same. His breathing sped up behind his control as he spiraled, covering himself with his blanket. 

Everything  _ hurt _ , and he couldn't breathe. His legs and arms wouldn't stop tingling, shaking. Nausea returned for the third time, and panicked he tried his hardest to swallow it down. 

"Alex, Alexander." John spoke softly, gently attempting to pry the blankets away. But Alexander wouldn't force him to look at a  _ slut  _ like him. John would never look at him the same. Nothing would ever be the same. He pulled the sheet tighter to himself. John began to count slowly, the same way Alexander had for him many times. "Breathe, Alex. 1... 2... 3... 4..."

Slowly, Alexander felt himself retain control. He didn't know whether that was a good or bad thing. At least then his pain was slightly numbed by the lack of oxygen. Everything was hitting him in full swing. And it must've been his panic that caused his strength to appear in full swing. Because as John slowly took the blankets away, his hands weren't functioning the way he tried to force them to, and John filled his vision.

"Alex.  _ Jesus _ ." John gasped. He cocked his head when he saw a strange fluid coming from Alexander's ear, creeping slowly down his neck. He remembered that symptom, he just had to place it...

In the meantime, John decided it was more important to attend to his best friend. The same one who currently had a  large gash on his forehead, another on his chin, and  _ handprints  _ around his neck. There had been some attempt to cover it up, but against Alexander's recently pale skin, they stood out.

"Can I?" He asked slowly. Quietly, because he noticed Alexander wince slightly when he'd spoken previously. Alexander opened his eyes but avoided looking at him. Remembering something from his lectures, he titled Alexander's head toward him- But the second he grabbed Alexander's chin lightly the other boy suddenly looked panicked.

"Wh-What are you doing? Let go-" Alexander pulled himself away, but must've moved to suddenly because he hit himself back into the wall behind him. He shook, his head flashing into memories with harsh touches and pain and  _ fear. _ "Please don't hurt me. I don't- Stop-"

John shushed him, holding his hands up in surrender. A part of him that he was currently despising felt hurt that Alexander didn't trust him. But he  _ knew _ that was some sort of toxic jealousy in him. "Alex, I'm just checking your injuries. I'm not going to hurt you. Can I touch your face?" Alexander stared at him for a few moments, glancing around at the rest of the room in panic and seeing two other people. Lafayette and Hercules were sat in chairs near Burr's side, distanced enough from him that he wouldn't feel crowded but that he would know they were there. 

He nodded after a brief assessment of his surrounding, following John's hands when they brought a pad damp with alcohol to the gashes on his face. Alexander didn't make a sound even when the initial sting of alcohol pressed onto his face. ' _ Charlie doesn't like when you complain.'  _ Something hissed at him. He bit his cut lip and focused on the places that were numb rather than in pain. 

"I'm going to put bandages on your cuts." John hummed, looking to Alexander for permission. The redhead didn't even know how John was still looking at him. How he could stomach being faced with him after knowing everything he'd done. Everything he'd let happen to him. "Is that good?" John asked. Alexander nodded, holding his breath and examining the other's every move.

"You should ice your bruises. They're swelling so we might have to apply a compress. I brought-"

"No. I don't- No." Alexander shakily gasped. He clenched his eyes shut in preparation for some sort of assault, for a moment forgetting it wasn't Charles' menacing and devouring eyes digging into his own. 

"I'm not going to hit you. If you're not comfortable with touching them it's fine."

Shaking his head, "No. It's fine. You can-" Alexander lied. John was trying to help. He shouldn't be acting so difficult. John wasn't here to hurt him. But John  _ knew _ . John saw. And John- Maybe now that he knew what he could get Alexander to do, he'd want to try it as well.

But he shoved all of his thoughts down for fear of annoying the taller boy, and attempted to strangle the fear that was closing his throat and preventing himself from breathing. John noticed before he'd even begun, and shook his head softly. "Alex, you obviously aren't comfortable with that.  _ Please _ , be honest."

Alexander nodded sharply.  _ 'Now you look like a liar. Good job.'  _ "I'm sorry." There was a lack of a response, just a general concern in his friend's eyes. Alexander looked away and to the others in hatred of the pity that was being sent in his direction, but was only greeted by a softly crying foster sibling being comforted by their boyfriend. "Laf. Don't cry." He tried to move to sit by them, but found an overwhelming dizziness take over him.

"I think it might be a brain injury..." John muttered, subtly moving Alexander back to his previous position. 

Alexander recoiled immediately, "What? No, no, I'm fine. I want to- Laf-" His brain was driven into the same confusion and spiraling as before.

"Alexander, I need you to focus. Look at me?" Alexander's daze cut through to John, staring at him with soft but worried eyes. He squinted his own in attempt to make what he was seeing make sense, but the blurriness remained. "You're okay. You're with Hercules, John, and Lafayette. Do you want to talk to them?"

Alexander nodded slowly in response, remembering Lafayette's tears. They sat next to him and Alexander brushed away their tears. "Don't cry Laf. I'll be okay." Lafayette chuckled, nodding their head. 

"I'm alright, petit lion. Will you let John help you? Please?"

Alexander pursed his lips, but nodded in compliance and turned back to John. The other described what he was doing as he did, and checked his pupils. He didn't say anything aloud, but his face seemed to pale a bit. "Do you feel nauseous?" Alexander nodded in response. "Headache?" Yes. John didn't bother asking the other questions. Confusion and dilation of pupils... He certainly wasn't experiencing the best coordination at the moment.

"I need you to breathe when I talk next, can you do that?" He asked gently. Alexander cocked his head but nodded nonetheless. Lafayette's face grew white and panicked. "It is likely a TBI. You have to go to the hospital."

Alexander wasn't hyperventilating. But he didn't look happy. He looked a strange mixture of scared and angry, and he jumped off the bed. "No. 'm not. Can't." He stuttered out in response. He already saw their prepared speech on how he  _ had  _ to, so he stumbled out of the dorm as fast as he could and hoped no one was behind him. He didn't bother checking, trying his hardest to get to one of the only two places he felt like he'd been to in the last few weeks. He got there slower than usual, receiving a few funny looks but ignoring them. He just needed to get to  _ wherever _ he was going. 

When he finally did, he knocked on the door and Charles opened it. He didn't know why he always did this.  _ Everytime _ , it was Charles that put him into this dazed and panicked state. Still... He came back. He always came to Charles. Charles was the only one who would love him. How could anyone else after seeing what he'd done. How did Charles? Alexander always either yelled at him or rejected him.

"Alexander." Charles said with a weird smile. "Back so soon? Did Laurens kick you out?" Alexander looked away guiltily, opening his mouth to apologize. Before he could, Charles was kissing him. He was gripping his waist. Alexander tried to pull away, because his headache was pounding harder than before due to the exertion from coming here, but Charles gripped harder. "I told you he would." He snickered. 

"Did you actually show him?" Alexander asked as quietly as he could. In response, Charles barked out a short laugh before nodding. 

"He watched the whole thing." Then he narrowed his eyes at him, almost as if examining something. "Did you put those bandages on?" What was he supposed to say to that? If he told him the truth, he knew it wouldn't work out well for him. But if he lied, he knew that Charles would find out. He always did. Charles seemed to be looking somewhere behind him, he also noted. He was smirking oddly. "He did... Ha, I should have known. Did he get a taste of you now that he knows what you can do? Should've made him pay. Gotten  _ something _ out of my whore of a boyfriend." 

"Can we go inside?" Alexander looked at him pleadingly. He could've sworn there was someone following him. Before he could turn, Charles grabbed his wrist harshly and pulled him back to face him. He kissed him hard and cupped his cheek tightly with one hand. 

"Who do you belong to, Alexander?"

The other boy felt his breathing stop, staring at him confusedly. Why was he asking by the doorway? Why weren't they going inside? "What? 'arlie can we go inside?"

Charles dug his nails into his wrist and cheek, Alexander feeling his blood prickle to the surface. "Who, Lexi?"

"You-" Alexander gasped. "I belong to you. Let go, Charlie. Please."

"Yeah. Right. Go in. I'll be in in just a second." Charles murmured strangely. Alexander wanted to ask, but didn't. He carefully walked past his boyfriend, glancing at his wrist that had gone numb the second Charles let go.

"See what you wanted to?" Charles snorted. "Why'd you follow him here?" 

"I had to. I wouldn't let him go back to you. I can't." 

"How'd you even know?" He asked, laughing manically. "Or did you come here for some other reason? Reynolds isn't in right now. Come back later." 

" _ Don't _ talk about him. Don't you fucking dare." Maria hissed, rubbing her wrists harshly. Charles didn't seem to care much for her distress, chuckling as if it were a joke. "And I came because his  _ friends _ , the people who genuinely care about him were panicking about his safety. I volunteered to follow."

"How about  _ this _ ?" He suddenly narrowed his eyes and looked at her like she was dirt. "I get it that you were a little bitch with Reynolds, but  _ leave _ Alexander and I alone. He loves me, I love him. Let him be happy? Or do you want his opinion, huh? Want me to ask him?"

Maria didn't respond, her vision flashing back to memories of Reynolds, loud and angry. She stammered in response, hating the way her passion had disappeared in a split second. 

"I'll do it then, hm?" Charles threw open his bedroom door, revealing Alexander who was standing somewhere near the center of the room, staring at the corner of Charles' dresser. His eyes seemed glazed over, in a dazed state. "Hey, Lexi. Come here, will you?" 

Alexander followed him out, his eyes widening at the sight of Maria. "Maria, are you ok?" He asked, seeing the hardset to her brow and the unsteadiness of her breathing. 

"Lexi, can you tell Maria you want to stay with me?" Charles' voice was sickly sweet. There was a tinge of anger in it, combined with a dripping sarcasm.

"I want- I wanna stay here. Can I go back inside, please? I don't feel well." Alexander muttered. 

"See, Maria? Not everyone's an ungrateful whore like you." Charles growled, stomping so he was right up to her face. She glared in response, holding onto her anger even while fear bubbled up to the surface.

"No, no, guys- Don't fight. Charlie, can we go inside? Please?" Alexander begged, pulling Charles toward the door gently.

"Go inside, Lexi. Go." Charles demanded.

"No, Charlie. Please just leave her. C'mon-" Charles turned around and struck him on the cheek before Alexander could say another word, sending the boy tumbling to the floor. The shorter didn't make a noise, silently holding his cheek. Maria gasped and held her hand out to help him, but Charles grabbed it before she could.

"Go home." He whispered, Maria finally smelling his breath and realizing he was  _ wasted _ . 

"I'm  _ not _ leaving him with you." She insisted. Charles shook his head, laughing once again.

"You don't get to choose what he does, Maria. That's the thing. So whether he stays here with me and  _ never _ sees any of you again or not, is up to me. He belongs to  _ me _ ." With that, he threw her arm out of his grip and yanked his boyfriend off of the floor by his wrist, pulling him into the room and slamming the door behind him. Maria finally felt tears fall from the loud whimper and resounding  _ slap _ that came from the dorm room.

The next day, Alexander was no where to be seen. Maria knew that he was with Charles. So did all of their friends, since they found her hyperventilating on a bench outside of Charles' hall, as she explained what she'd seen. Then she'd pulled out her phone, shown the recording she'd got and promptly began to sob once again.

The next time anyone saw him was about 2 days later. He was walking in the same dazed and confused way he had previously, looking in much worse condition. Madison noticed him from across the street, and rushed over as soon as he recognized who it was. 

"Hamilton." He started, moving to stabilize him once he saw him jump and sway on his feet. Alexander turned to him and Madison could never forget the look of confusion on his face.

"Madison... Where am I- Wanna go 'ome." He shoved his face into the other's shirt and cried, his body trembling like a leaf. "'ease 'ake me 'ome. 'ead hurts." His words were strewn together, slurred in a way similar to someone who'd drunk a lot.

But he knew that wasn't the case here. "Hey, breathe. It's alright, you're alright. I'm just going to-" Alexander suddenly gasped sharply, "Hey- Are you okay?" He asked nervously. He lightly cupped the back of the redhead's head, attempting to look at his eyes.

That's when he looked at his fingertips, and saw a stain of red on them. "Holy- Alexander, you need to go to a hospital." The younger boy shook his head, pulling away. 

"Can't. I can't. 'arlie said."

Someone on the street must've taken notice to their situation, because Madison felt a hand on his arm. "Hey, is he alright?" Their concern attracted someone else, and suddenly Madison heard Alexander screeching a few things before going limp in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if i got any symptoms or medical things wrong  
> i researched as much as i could but idk if it was enough? not in the best place rn emo lol sorry


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ay yo im back  
> soooo i got carried away  
> stuff gets bad for another two chapters?? then we get into sum recovery :)  
> but yea!! comment any like mistakes or anything? i dont feel like proofreading oop  
> TW/// mentions of rape, assault, victimblaming, eating disorder

Alexander didn't wake up this time for two days. His friends and family spent those convincing the police to arrest Charles, who hesitated and insisted that it must've been someone else. John had already been hesitant in complying with the  _ police _ of all people, but decided until there was a better, less racist way of helping Alexander- This was what he had to deal with. 

When he did, it was to police standing over his bed while his parents stood in the corner. 

"I'm sorry," Maria spoke up, avoiding making direct eye contact with the near corpse laying on the bed. He had improved since the day he was brought in, but it remained unsettling to see Alexander Hamilton brought to this. Bandaged up around his head and on multiple gashes, frail and ghastly pale, with a swollen eye.

He was confused a lot for the past week, but something told her that his look of wonder wasn't due to the heavy brain damage. He looked at her incredulously. "None of this is your fault."

"It was because of my relationship with Reynolds that you met Charles. And I followed you and-"

"Maria..." Alexander sighed, picking at a loose thread in his blanket. "Even if it  _ was _ a bad thing that I met Charles, the rest of what I did isn't your fault. You can't blame yourself."

"You don't understand." She heard her voice crack. "Seeing him... Hit you. Alex, you shouldn't have ever met him. Do you remember... Everything you said when you found out about Reynolds?"

He winced. Of course, he did. But they wouldn't understand. Charles was  _ different. _ "Maria, that's different. Reynolds was... Reynolds."

"And Charles is exactly like Reynolds. And I got you into that. And I'm sorry, even though you don't see it that way. I'm sorry... That you  _ don't  _ see it that way."

"I know that it doesn't paint Charlie in the best light," He started. "But he's different. I know he's different."

After a few moments of silence, the nurses came in with his dinner. He wouldn't eat it, but after a few minutes of them pressuring him- They'd act as if he wasn't going to be threatened with a feeding tube just an hour or so later, them looking away.

Alexander didn't get much one-on-one time with his visitors, but John must've asked. He couldn't say he wasn't happy to get to speak with him privately, but he wasn't sure he was ready for what John might say. What he might do. He  _ knew _ . He  _ saw _ .

John didn't talk at first, not until everyone had filed out of the room and he had sat in the chair next to him. He worried his lip between his teeth for a moment before speaking. "So." He started. "I wanted to talk to you alone. Because- uh- I feel like there are some things we need to discuss."

'I know that you saw.' The smaller man wanted to say. He wanted to yell and cry about how John wasn't showing any distinct signs as to how he felt. Did he think he was disgusting? Was Charles right? 

"I understand you might be mad at me." John finally spoke. He looked guilty, and Alexander was confused. What did he mean? John didn't call the cops, he didn't get Charles in trouble... What  _ did _ he do?

"What'd you do?" Alexander asked quietly. John was avoiding his eyes, so he gently grasped his hand and forced him to look at him. 

"You don't remember?" John cocked his head, and the concern and pity in his eyes grew larger and larger.

"I don't... What are you talking about?"

"I was the reason Charles went so... Crazy. On you. He was mad because I kept making moves on you knowing the place you were in-"

"The  _ place  _ I was in? I- I made moves too, John. I had feelings too and I also did things."

"Yeah, but-"

"There's no but. I'm tired of all of you acting like I'm a child or like I'm so crazy or in such horrible shape. I can make my own decisions and I  _ could _ make my own decisions. I'm tired of being treated like fragile fucking glass!"

There wasn't an answer. John was squinting his eyes and looked to be holding himself back. "Alex... Obviously, I know that. But it wasn't the right situation to have put you in."

"You didn't-" Alexander took a breath and lowered his voice. "You didn't 'put me in' that situation. I did."

"Do you regret it?"

Alexander bit his lip, looking away. "I should. I should because I shouldn't have done that to Charles but- I don't. I mean," He fiddled with his arm. "How could I?"

There wasn't a reply. Their conversation moved onto something else, and eventually, John looked tired and Alexander didn't want to be alone. He was so tired of being alone. 

"Stay here?"

He did.

John was laying next to Alexander on his hospital when suddenly a loud yelling was heard. "What do you  _ mean _ you can't find him?" A police officer was fuming into the phone. John glanced at Alexander in hopes he was still asleep, but instead was greeted by wide and scared eyes. 

"What's happening? What- Charlie? Where's Charlie?" Alexander was sitting up in a second, attempting to tear the I.V. out of his arm. "I wanna go home." 

John didn't know what to do. The heart monitor had begun to beep like crazy, and with that noise and the muddiness of his sleep-addled brain, he found himself at a loss for words.

"Uh, Alex. Hey. Look at me." He hushed, putting his hand on Alexander's shoulder gently. The other's wide eyes looked over to him before he covered them with his hands and started to sob.

"John? Where's- Charlie?" Alexander screeched, shoving the hand off his shoulder and mumbling out a mess of many phrases all at once. "Don't hurt me- Please. I'm sorry! Please, please."

The doctors must've been notified by the panic on Alexander's monitor, as they rushed in and started working on him. As a medical student, John felt very odd that he didn't understand anything that was going on. He recognized the drip they were giving him. Likely to sedate him. "Wait, no. Don't do that to him-"

He was too late because Alexander slowly fell asleep with his hand clenching John's tightly. The grip went lax and John felt sick.

Alexander probably hadn't remembered the previous day, as he acted like usual. John thought he'd be embarrassed, or mad. But he just seemed as numbed out and tired as he had since he came here.

That day was the first they were going to allow his schoolwork to be brought to the hospital, after much begging. There wasn't much, considering how ahead Alexander was. But Thomas still came in with the work telling him to take his time. Everyone knew he wouldn't. But he wouldn't feel right without saying it.

"You know you don't have to." Thomas hummed, raising his eyebrow at the boy who'd pushed away the unfinished hospital food on his pullout surface to start his work. "You should rest a bit more."

"I can't. I'm already so behind. And when I go back I'll be behind. I need to- I have to catch up." Alexander had already begun to sound manic. He was scribbling out the work faster than Thomas thought possible, but he understood the man's thought process to a point.

"You won't be behind. You were too far ahead."

"But everyone's gonna forget. They'll think of me as the weak, stupid kid who went to the hospital instead of... However else they thought of me."

"Spitfire asshole?" Thomas asked with a chuckle. "Not the best reputation, but I get it. And... They won't think of you like that. You're  _ not _ that. Not weak, or stupid."

"They won't think that way." Alexander looked up to him, feeling oddly inferior. " _ I  _ don't think that way." He muttered, looking back to the work with a distant look.

Thomas crinkled his nose and sat in the chair next to John, who was sleeping lightly. "Alex. You're not. Seriously. Charles was  _ abusive _ . You're not in here because of any fault of your own." 

His fingers tensed where they grasped the pen, but he knew that yelling would get him nowhere in this situation. "I shouldn't have been... How I was. That's why I'm here. Not because of Charles." It was him. Charles always told him  _ it was him. _

"It's not because of you. You shouldn't have to worry about your boyfriend  _ beating  _ you no matter what you do. That's not... It's not normal. Alex, I know you love Charles. I know that he... loves you." Thomas wasn't sure about that, but he didn't need to start a new argument. "But that's not how love is shown."

Alexander fiddled with his pen. "Well, then  _ how?"  _ His voice cracked, Thomas immediately reaching forward and embracing him.

John woke up to the sound of crying and abruptly shot out of his chair. "Lex? What's wrong?" He seemed panicked, glancing between the door and the hospital bed.

The redhead laughed shortly. "I'm okay. Calm down."

Thomas looked at him, an eyebrow arched and Alexander knew what that meant. ' _ That's how. _ '

Apparently, his friends decided that hanging out without Alexander just wasn't the same, because the started a common occurrence of hanging out in their large group in his room. He wasn't annoyed, but he  _ knew _ that had to be breaking some sort of rule. 

"So basically, Franklin was kicked out of class. I've never thought a  _ sub _ would be the first one to stand up to him. Of course, he came back like 5 minutes later. But still. Weird." Alexander came back to reality at the end of Angelica's story, a little upset about how much he was missing but overall happy that they all came. And that they were acting normal. Like he wasn't in a hospital bed and like he hadn't almost died.

Like they weren't all sat circled around him, more than enough wires sticking out of him. As if the police weren't stationed by his room, waiting for the possibility that Charles might show up. His  _ boyfriend _ . He couldn't focus on that now.  _ 'There's nothing you can do about that.'  _ Henry had told him.

Alexander glanced at his phone, noticing a text from a random number. But he recognized the style of text and the place mentioned.

**_ 917-845-3460: Hey, Lexi. You know who this is. Tell someone, and it won't be good for you. _ **

**_ I need to talk to you. _ **

**_ Me: charlie? where r you? _ **

**_ 917-845-3460: Staying with a friend. I need you to promise me something. _ **

**_ Me: what is it? _ **

**_ 917-845-3460: If this goes to court, testify for me. Don't you want us to stay together? Do you want the future we planned? _ **

**_ Me: of course _ **

**_ 917-845-3460: Nobody will ever love you like I do. You know that? Nobody will ever go near you. _ **

**_ Me: i know, charlie. i have to go now. love you _ **

**_ 917-845-3460: Love you too, Lexi. _ **

That complicated things. He hadn't planned on being involved at all if something happened. Was he even allowed to testify for the defense? He didn't know.

But he already knew that he'd testify for Charles.

Who else would ever love him?

Something was off with Alexander. Sure, that'd been a common thought for the past year, but it had gotten worse. Gotten better for a little bit, and then suddenly way worse. He was refusing to eat the food served by the doctors, and the slight resentment that he'd gained toward Charles completely dissipated. He seemed more defensive than usual, despite no obvious answer as to what made him change. When John asked, the doctors explained that recovery was rocky and there were bound to be setbacks. But something else was there. He knew it.

He wanted to ask Alexander, but he knew that'd be a futile move. That didn't stop him from discussing it with the rest of his friends. 

"Basically, I think something's off." He took a deep breath, not having stopped once during his entire explanation. They all looked at him dubiously, but he could tell they all agreed. There was the deniability to it, the mindset that now that Alexander was out of the relationship and receiving professional help, that it was now all over. But it wasn't. 

"Even if there was," Lafayette mumbled. "Charles is gone. Well, not gone. Maybe it's that? Do you think Alex feels unsafe with him still out there?" They suggested.

John chewed his lip, pushing around the gross hospital food and shaking his head. "Maybe. But I think it's something else. Something he's hiding."

These therapy sessions were getting worse and worse. Alexander felt guilty, listening to them badger on about the negative ways Charles affected his life and yet still thinking he was the one. He was the one. He had to be. Because nobody else would dare to go near him. Now everyone knew. 

His family was amazing. That was undeniable. But their hatred for Charles was beginning to get on his nerves. Especially with their ignoring every defense he had for his boyfriend. His boyfriend they didn't  _ know _ was his boyfriend. They would stare at him with the same look whenever he said certain things. No matter how long he explained himself.

"Alexander, how do you feel about that?" His therapist-  _ who they insisted was a helper-  _ Henry asked. He had the signature therapist look. He must've felt high and mighty, thinking he was solving Alexander. Henry had to have thought he was crazy, treating him like a rope about to snap.

"They're wrong. You're all wrong. Charles loves me, and none of you can see that. He didn't do all those things you guys keep saying." 

They were all sat in a circle, his foster father on a chair next to Martha on the right side of his hospital bed. Lafayette was standing near the window on the right side, having left their chair next to them. Alexander was surprised when he noticed that Lafayette hadn't spoken once. They were looking at him, not with pity but with something different. He couldn't tell what.

"Do you see where their concern comes from, though?" Henry hummed, tapping his pen on his leg patiently. 

Alexander buried his face in his hands. "Fine. If I say fine can this be over? Can I go home?" He begged. 

"Alexander... You know it's not as simple as that." Martha sighed, holding her son's hand gently. He was like a ticking bomb. Every slight thing seemed to anger him, so she acted carefully.

"It  _ should _ be. You're all trying to turn me against him, but it won't work.  _ Give up.  _ I was fine with him and everyone came in and  _ ruined it _ ! You all ruined everything. And now Charles is missing. Can't it be as simple as that?" He finally snapped, tears fighting their way to the surface. 

"Alexander..." George started, putting his hand on Alexander's arm to calm him. "You need to understand-"

"I don't want to. You guys need to understand. I can make my own decisions."

"Do you realize you almost died? Have you noticed that? Did you realize that not only did you have a severe brain injury, but many others? Jesus, Alex- How can you not realize that?" Lafayette hissed their first words of the night.

Glaring at his bedsheets, Alexander found himself at a loss for an argument. The only thing he could explain the situation with was one thing. "You wouldn't  _ understand. _ " 

None of them ever would. That's what Charles told him. And that's what he knew to be true. They'd never comprehend what they had. 

Henry ended the session then, leaving the room. The professional and tense atmosphere diffused, but there was a sense of imbalance. Alexander laying there, weak and bruised in the hospital sheets. His family looking over his bed with faces of disappointment. 

Friends were allowed back into the room now that the session was over, and the same people showed up.

Every day was the same.

Alexander met Charles in person a few days after the first text. He felt guilty. Very guilty. He didn't get caught this time, too well aware of how to sneak out. But he knew that his friends noticed the new bruises on his wrists. That wasn't good. Charles was being more gentle, he knew that. But still, marks appeared on his delicate skin. They had increased his therapy sessions. Decreased his freedom. He noticed that as well.

"Alex. Can you look at us?" John asked lightly. He was sat in the chair closest to Alexander, who was staring out the window distractedly. 

Alexander turned to face them, seeing their eyes all glancing away almost awkwardly. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"We just- We have to ask you something."

"Yes?"

"Where'd you get those new bruises? On your wrists?" 

Alexander glared and swung his head to face the window again. He went silent, not bothering to answer. He didn't have an excuse. He hadn't thought that far.

"Alex..."

"I'd like to be alone now if that's alright."

He heard collective sighs, but inevitably with just a kiss left on his forehead by Martha, they left the room. And he was alone. Again. It was better to push them away. That's what Charles said. Then they'd all let him be with Charles. They'd run away, start a new life. Not to mention that if he ever told them how much he was betraying them... He couldn't even think of it.

The next night, he left the hospital again. It was harder this time like they'd started to patrol him more.  _ But _ , a little persuasion to a certain type of nurse goes a long way. A little persuasion... He cringed at the thought. 

His head was numb as he walked the streets, looking around at the big city and feeling very small.

He had just reached Charles when suddenly he heard a noise behind him. He turned to see cars that weren't there just seconds ago. Everything was happening at once. Charles was shoved against a car window, as he yelled and thrashed.

"Alexander! Tell them to let me go!" Charles growled.

Alexander stammered in response but found his voice moments later. "L-Let him go! Please!" He whimpered when his foster father tried to console him, holding him in his arms and shushing him. He tried his hardest to pull away, run to Charles. But he couldn't.

Charles' voice was loud in his ears, his shouts as they tried to contain him. "Lexi! Remember what I told you.  _ Nobody  _ but me." Charles was cut off when they finally shoved him into the car, Alexander sobbing into his father's chest and begging him to let him  _ go. _

"Please- You can't take him."

He expected it to get stricter once he got back into the hospital. But not this strict. They treated him as if he'd completely lost it. He was locked up in his room most of the time. And they forced him to admit what he'd done to persuade a worker not to out him. None of his family looked him in the eye after that. He could tell they were pitying him. But they also looked... Scared?

"Alexander, what did Charles mean by 'Remember what I told you?'" The redhead winced when his 'helper', Henry asked. He shrugged, looking away and fiddling with his hospital band. 

"This is a safe space. You can tell me whatever."

"I can't..." He mumbled, shoving his face into his hands. He just wanted to go home. They told him he wouldn't be able to go home for another week, maybe a few more. They said it 'depends'. 

"You can, I promise you can. Charles can't hurt you anymore."

"Charles isn't going to  _ hurt _ me. Charles loves me. He's the only one who loves me and you took him away from me." He hissed. He refused to talk for the rest of the session. He knew he was being difficult, but he couldn't stand it anymore.

"So, Mr. Hamilton. I'm Julia White. I'd just like to start by telling you that if you're not ready, we don't have to discuss this yet. This process goes by your terms." The woman in the chair spoke to him, softly and motherly. He nodded, knowing that no matter what they said that they were impatient.

"I'm ready. But I don't think I want to press charges."

The woman sighed. "That's your decision. However, since the police and I decided there is a need for punishment... There will be a case. Whether you take part in it, is your decision. Charles will be taken into custody. And many of your family and friends have stepped forward to participate." 

Alexander sat up in his bed. "I don't  _ want _ Charles to get in trouble. Let him go."

"And your opinion  _ will _ weigh in. But we can't let him go." She pursed her lips, watching the boy groan loudly.

"None of this has to happen. I was fine. I  _ am _ fine. Why can't everyone leave it alone?" Julia didn't speak, instead looking respectfully at the ground and letting him ramble. "What do I have to do? How can I get this all to stop?"

She sighed, pushing her hair behind her ears and looking up to him. "Mr. Hamilton, you might not see this now but... This is what has to happen. There's nothing you can do. I'm sorry. If you wouldn't like to get involved, that's fine."

He was silent for a few moments. "I'm not getting involved with getting him in trouble." He almost hoped she understood what he meant, but at the same time knew it was best to keep that information on the low. 

"I understand. But I should warn you that there is a large chance of a subpoena." 

He knew that. He was a law student at Columbia University, after all. But he still felt clueless during this process. He had a feeling it'd remain that way.

The day he was let out, he didn't  _ really _ know what he was doing. It was a few days before the trial, and he had yet to contact the defense team. He wanted to ignore everything that was happening. Burying himself in his work. It also didn't help that his friends and family were all creating and working on their own testimonies. They tried to hide it from him, but there were only so many chances when they insisted like watching him like a child. 

It  _ also _ gave him little time to do what Charles told him to. He  _ could _ surprise even the other side with his testimony defending Charles when the prosecution called him up. He wanted a way to walk out of the courthouse without committing some form of perjury but even with his denial... He knew it wasn't good. Logically, he realized that the truth didn't paint Charles in a good light. But they didn't understood. It was  _ his _ fault. He had constantly tempted him.

In truth, he didn't know what to do. He didn't even have the privacy to have a breakdown over it, because at any slight show of sadness there would be someone questioning him. His parents had forced him to come home since the college had forced him to take a break, despite his insistence. He still completed his work, hiding in his room for as long as he'd be allowed.

Which wasn't that long.

"Alex? Alexander!" He heard George call from down the stairs. He bit his tongue, hoping if he faked not hearing or being asleep he might be left alone. His efforts were proven to be futile a few seconds later when he heard footsteps getting closer to his bedroom door. There was a quiet, timid knock.

"Yeah?" He asked finally. "Come in." They had also begun to wait for verbal consent when doing  _ anything.  _ Even small things. And just a 'Yes' or 'Yeah' wasn't enough anymore. He had to directly confirm they could do this or that.

The door opened to reveal Lafayette, who awkwardly stood in the doorway for a second before talking. They'd had a weird relationship since everything went down. "Dad wanted you to come for dinner. And to talk about... Y'know. Court."

He glanced back to his laptop, sighing when he noticed that he still had about half of his work to go. He found his pace slowing down lately. "Sure, okay. I'll be down soon."

"Soon as in you're gonna finish the rest of your work and not come down at all?" Alexander guiltily looked back at them, shrugging. "Please just," Lafayette sighed. "Come now?"

He really wanted to say no. He wanted to snap at them and just vent how  _ annoyed  _ he was and how controlling his every action was not helping with the 'recovery' they insisted he needed. But Lafayette had already been acting weird toward him lately, and he didn't feel like starting a fight. So he saved his work, standing up and walking over to the door with his arms crossed over his stomach awkwardly. "What did he want to talk about? With the case?"

"Well, you know that you're subpoenaed." They started, leading him down and observing his odd body language with a raised eyebrow. "He wanted to talk to you about the procedure and if your ready and... Things. Stuff."

"Great." He mumbled, wincing when Lafayette didn't respond and instead exhaled loudly through their nose.

He was relieved once they got down to the kitchen, George waiting at the set dinner table with a far off look. He looked destroyed- messy hair, unshaven, tired eyes... And it was all because nobody would  _ mind _ their own business.

"Dad." He squeaked when George still hadn't noticed his presence.

"Alex! Sit. Food's ready."

Alexander sat down in his usual chair, chewing on his lip harshly. "I'm not hungry." He didn't think he could eat. Not while he thought about seeing Charles again in the courtroom but a prison uniform. Charles wouldn't wanna see him the way he looked now. The hospital was monitoring his intake and he was sure he gained weight. He could  _ see  _ it.

George gave him a deadpan look, shaking his head. "You have to eat." 

"I'm literally not hungry. And I was working, too.  _ And  _ I don't wanna talk about it."

George sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Alexander briefly saw Lafayette in the corner of his eye, looking as emotionless than he'd ever seen them. "Please, just eat it. I don't want to have to call Henry, Alex-"

"Then  _ don't.  _ I'm not hungry. I'm not a child." He glared, pushing the plate in front of him away and ignoring the growing discomfort in his stomach. 

"You have to."

"No. I don't have to do anything. It's like I can't control anything I do anymore. Jesus, can you all just relax?" His voice had started to rise in volume, the stress of the past week, and the current situation getting to him. "I don't even want this whole happening and now you're all making it take over my life!"

He didn't notice George rubbing his temples, staring at his plate, and waiting for his outburst to end. Lafayette was silent as well, simply crossing their arms and picking at their food.

"I'm not hungry and I'm not going to eat because  _ I'm  _ in control of what I do! Not you, or Henry, or anyone else!"

"But Charles is?" Lafayette spoke up, looking at him with his brows furrowed.

"Gilbert, don't-" George started, interrupted by Lafayette giving him a pointed look. 

"When- What- That has nothing to do with this." Alexander stammered, all of his thoughts that were previously speeding out his mouth now crashed and hushed. 

Lafayette tapped their fingers on the table. "Can't you at least  _ try? _ " He asked. "I get it. It's hard, and you don't agree that Charles is bad- But can you at least  _ eat?  _ Or leave your room? Or  _ talk _ to us?"

Alexander was stunned to silence. Of everyone, only Thomas had still been treating him like a normal person. Everyone acted as if he was broken and sensitive, but in reality, that's not how he dealt with things. If everything in his life became affected by his problem, there was no escaping it. 

Washington was the one to break the silence, "Gil... Alex is in a tough place. He can't just-"

"Fine. But can I  _ please _ just have a little more control? I feel like a criminal."

He noticed Lafayette smile when he reached for his food, eating it slowly and avoiding eye contact with the other two people at the table. Washington cleared his throat a few minutes later. 

"So. About the case... They demanded you come in, as you know. You  _ could _ reject it, but that could lead to other consequences-"

"I'm going." 

"That... Alright." Washington spoke quietly. 

"Yeah." He agreed. 

Everything was weird now.

Alexander wanted to practice his testimony. He knew what the standard questions would be and he knew exactly what he'd still. But somehow he knew something was bound to go wrong. He had a feeling.

Writing all those lies felt oddly similar.

People didn't visit him as often as when he was in the hospital, considering his house was a little farther from campus. But they tried to very often. John visited a lot, nearly as much as during the hospital. There was still some sort of tension, but neither said anything. Everything was different than before. Very different.

But still a little similar. Their dynamic had survived.

"So," John started. "Mulan or Pocahontas?" 

It was the night before court, and they decided it was best to relax that night.

"Okay well Mulan is amazing but so is Pocahontas.  _ But  _ Pocahontas is incorrect and ignorant compared to what happened to Pocahontas. Like,  _ very _ . It completely romanticized the situation. Honestly, it's nothing like what the actual situation was."

John sighed, "Alex, I didn't ask for a political theory behind it. Which one?" 

Alexander glared, chuckling. "It's important to know! And Mulan. Wait, actually." He thought for a second, debating. "Pocahontas. Hm... Both?"

John narrowed his eyes at him, trying to force him to decide but Alexander just pleaded with his eyes back. Eventually, John acquiesced, playing Mulan and settling back into the bed next to the other. They sat close, shoulder to shoulder. Alexander observed silently that there wasn't any hint of other intentions with the closeness. The intimacy was pure and innocent. Comfort with no other expectations. He still waited for when John would turn to him and confess to watching the videos and do exactly what Charles said he would. But Alexander knew somehow that that  _ wouldn't _ happen. John wouldn't use him. 

He could slowly feel himself drifting off, resting his head on John's shoulder and closing his eyes, not at all ready for the next day.

He knew he didn't have to be here. And he knew that Henry would tell him that he shouldn't. But he had to. He had to know  _ what  _ they knew. How much they knew. 

People looked at him oddly the second he walked in. So they knew enough, then. His family must've not expected him, judging by their faces the second they saw him. He knew most of them were testifying and he hoped it'd be harder to ruin his life.

He'd spaced out for the opening statements, instead looking at the back of everyone's heads and wondering how everyone was here for  _ him _ and his 'safety'. And he didn't even want this to happen. "I'd like to call up George Washington to the stand." Julia hummed, looking back to the crowd and a weird recognition in her eyes when she saw Alexander hidden in the back.

He watched George sit in the chair, purposefully avoiding even a glance at his son. He gave his oath and the questions began right away.

"Mr. Washington, what is your relationship with Alexander Hamilton?"

Alexander winced at the immediate mention of himself. "He's my foster son."

"And what is Mr. Hamilton's relationship with Mr. Lee?"

"They've been dating for a little more than 3 years."

"On December 20th 2019, what happened?"

"Alexander visited our house in Scarsdale with his two friends- Hercules Mulligan and John Laurens- and my other foster child. Lafayette."

"Could you describe anything that concerned you or stood out to you that night?"

"Yes. He had a gash on his lip, and few faded bruises along his face. And later... I walked into his room to talk to him and he was only wearing shorts and t-shirt that time... He had bruises  _ everywhere.  _ All over his arms..." George glared at Charles, but then contained himself with a breath. "He lost weight, a lot of it."

Julia paused for a moment, glancing at the judge. "What happened on the night of January 23rd 2020?"

George finally glanced at where Alexander sat. "Alexander came to our home, for about a week."

"Could you please describe, in detail, when you first saw him that night?"

"Yes... I opened it because I heard a knock, and Alexander was standing in the rain. He was crying and he didn't say anything. He hugged me, but he didn't say anything. He had a lot of bandages and plasters on his face, and his eye looked swollen."

_ That night...  _ Alexander thought back to right before he'd packed his bags and ran off of campus, of being slammed against the wall and crying and screaming-

Julia nodded, looking to gauge the judge's reaction.

"That's all Mr. Washington."

Charles' lawyer stood, clearing his throat. "Mr. Washington. Has Mr. Hamilton ever gotten into a fight? A physical one, that is."

"Well- Yes, but-"

"So it is possible that perhaps Mr. Hamilton had an encounter with someone he disagreed with?"

"It's possible, but there were too many occurrences for this to be  _ one  _ accident."

"Hm. How many homes had Mr. Hamilton been to before coming to yours?"

"A lot... Around 10? 15?"

_ 16...  _ Alexander's mind provided. He was known to be a difficult child to take care of. At least, that's what all of the families told him. They didn't have time for him, they said. And it wasn't like he was mad. Every family got worse and worse each time.

"What was the... Nature, if you will, of these homes?"

"Many of them were abusive... Uh, neglectful if not."

"Was there a theme of Alexander's childhood homes then?"

"Abusive." George narrowed his eyes. Where was he going with this?

"Your Honor, I find it necessary to mention that a common occurrence in children who underwent an abusive childhood to seek trouble, conflict, and fighting. Perhaps Mr. Hamilton was urging certain behaviors out of Mr. Lee." 

Alexander cringed, but he knew it was right. It was his fault, he'd urged him. 

"I hardly think so. Alexander went through a few years of counseling and therapy. He doesn't have that mindset."

"Did Mr. Hamilton ever ask for help?"

"Objection, Your Honor. Leading question." Julia pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Apologies, Your Honor." The opposing lawyer thought for a moment. "Please describe any instances of Mr. Hamilton asking for assistance or help."

"He never did- But he explained that he felt helpless and-"

"Did he ever ask for help directly?

"No." He couldn't lie. Alexander had begged him not to get involved. And he knew this case would be hard to win. His lawyer had explained that. But he'd sure as hell try.

"I'd like to call John Laurens to the stand." Alexander knew that was going to happen. John walked up to the stand with just one second of eye contact with Alexander.  _ Don't do it. Don't say anything.  _ Alexander wanted to beg. But he couldn't.

"Mr. Laurens, what is your relationship with my client?"

"He's my best friend. I've known him since he was 14."

"What is your most... Recent relationship with Mr. Hamilton?"

"We got together. A few times. Starting a couple months ago, around the end of December 2019."

"Together romantically?"

Alexander clenched his fists.  _ No, no, no.  _ Charles thankfully hadn't noticed he was there.

"... Yes."

He was even more glad Charles didn't realize his presence when he basically jumped out of his chair, growling out a  _ loud  _ and angry- " _ What? _ "

_ No, no, no.  _ He needed to get out of there. He couldn't be there anymore.

Being in his right mind enough to be subtle, he stalked out of the room right before seeing Reynolds and King sitting right by Charles. They were testifying, he guessed. He didn't have time to think about that.

When he got home, he had about an  _ hour _ to himself before someone would be there to watch him. He didn't even know what to do with himself. Charles wasn't there to control him and nobody was there to watch over him. He could do anything. But for some reason, all his body thought of doing was sitting on the floor of his shower with hot water pouring down his back.

He didn't go down for dinner that night, not even when they pounded on the door. He didn't want to look at them.

Seeing Charles in the courtroom the next day was horrifying. Not just for Alexander. Everyone knew what he was capable of. Everyone knew the damage he caused. And despite the adrenaline-building anger everyone but the redhead had for Charles, there was an intense panic at seeing him. It was different this time. This time he was expected to betray him. So he was scared of Charles

Especially handcuffed to a chair and guarded by strong bodyguards, watching his every move. Every fidget, muscle twitch.  _ Especially _ when Alexander was called up to the stand, and he was staring directly at him. 

John nudged George, "Do you also think they're up to something. Something isn't right..." And George saw it too. They seemed to be talking with just their eyes, and Charles looked surprisingly calm considering the victim himself was at the witness stand.

"Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, under pains and penalties of perjury?" Alexander almost dropped it right there, but Charles' eyes were digging into his own.  _ Say it _ , they said. And so much more. 

"I do." He responded shakily. This was it. If he was caught, there went his career. And he'd forever be known as  _ that _ kid who allowed his boyfriend to bruise and rape him, regardless of his feelings toward the situation. He couldn't become a politician after all this. This was his legacy, what people would think of when they heard his name.

"What's your name, sir?" Julia, the woman he'd talked to in the hospital, asked. 

"Alexander Hamilton." He knew how these started. Background questions. Leading you into some sort of false security that it wouldn't be as tough as if inevitably would. 

"What is your relationship with Mr. Lee?"

"He's my boyfriend." They knew that. Rather than calming him, these questions just pissed him off. He wondered if anyone could tell. Charles was still staring bullets into him. Strangely enough, Julia moved to block Charles from his view. He felt his breath escape him once he could no longer see the other boy. 

"How long have you been involved with Mr. Lee?"

Alexander had to think about that one. They had said that his memory might not be the best, but it hadn't shown much. "3 years and a few months?"

She hummed. "The night of February 25th, 2020... Where were you?" 

Alexander narrowed his eyes. February 25th. That date sounded familiar. He couldn't place it though. "I don't remember." He replied honestly.

"February 25th, 2020- That was the night of Mr. Laurens' Art Show, was it?"

_ Oh.  _ Now he remembered. That night... He couldn't lie, obviously they knew more about that night rather than what he'd told the hospital. And the only person who could provide proof for that... He looked over to where John sat, a guilty look on his face. "Yes."

"And where were you?"

"I was..." He hesitated. He couldn't lie, because John had already told them. But he  _ had  _ to. Different paths he could take with his testimony were running through his head, and he could see and  _ feel _ what he had that night. He took a few quiet breaths, hoping he hadn't stayed silent for too long. "Out. I was out. Alone."

He  _ lied.  _ And he saw it in Julia's face that she  _ knew _ he was lying. But it slipped out, his brain too busy panicking to piece together the truth.

"Where were you at 10:45 P.M.?" She asked, glancing down at a document on the desk. 

He couldn't lie about his whereabouts after around 10 P.M. he predicted because the hospital must have had it on file that he was being treated there. "St. Cecilia's Hospital."

"What events occurred leading up to your arrival to the hospital?"

"Uh... I was out and I got into an argument with someone."  _ That wasn't necessarily a lie.  _ A loud screaming match flashed back into his head. "I heard them say a slur or something like that. And- um- I yelled and they got angry."  _ Angry, he got angry. _ _ He yelled and he hit his wrist and Charles was grabbing it so tightly it felt like the bruises were being imprinted into him.  _ "They hit me. Well, I hit them first. And then I went back to Charles' dorm to get cleaned up."  _ Cleaned up... _

"Can you read the yellow highlighted portion of this document for me, Mr. Hamilton? Exhibit 9760, Your Honor." Julia handed a copy to the necessary parties, leaning back against the prosecution desk and looking at Alexander with a strange look.

He skimmed his eyes over the page, seeing records from the hospital, the highlighted part being the ' _ Notes _ ' section. "Okay... 'Evidence of past trauma, Barely healed bruises in numerous places'" He swallowed. This wasn't good. "Evidence of past fracture in the right arm.'" There was more unhighlighted data, and he put the paper down onto the desk in front of him. "Well, that seems bad but... I get into a lot of fights." 

That was true. He could continue with that. And he had proof.

"So someone did hurt you that night?"

"Yes." 

"And you weren't with Mr. Lee the entire night?"

"I wasn't."

"I'd like to show Exhibit 1965, Your Honor."

At the Judge's granted approval, Julia put a video on. A  _ surveillance _ video. Shit. Alexander didn't think they'd be able to throw together an entire case in that short time. Then again, his friends  _ had  _ all treated him like some sort of exhibit, taking photos of his bruises and taking advantage of all of the few times he'd genuinely shared his emotions. His feelings.

Served him well. Charles told him not to tell anyone and he hadn't listened.

The video showed him enter Charles' dorm around 5 P.M., and then was fast-forwarded to 8 P.M., showing Charles leave the dorm. The next thing they saw was at 10:30, and it was John breaking in and then him carrying out Alexander, who looked in much worse shape. The hallways had cameras... Alexander wondered how much else they had.

A lot. They had a lot. There were many memorable times where he thought he'd break down if Julia asked him  _ one  _ more futile question. He knew what they saw. But he'd still say that it wasn't like that. Thankfully, they didn't have many videos of Charles hitting him, but his 'loved ones' must've been taking photos of his bruises. He felt  _ disgusted _ . How had he not noticed?  _ Stupid, stupid. You're so stupid. _

If there was one thing that Alexander couldn't explain, it was the  _ videos _ . They all might've been taken at different times but each one had  _ one _ thing in common. He was held down and he was crying and screaming and- He couldn't look anymore, glancing away and trying his  _ hardest _ to steady his breath. 

"Mr. Hamilton, could you describe the situation in this video?" Lawyers were insensitive. He knew that. His childhood experiences had explained that very well to him. But looking at these videos... He thought he was going to throw up. This particular video was from a night where they'd gone out to dinner and he'd ordered something without asking. Charles had glared at him, he'd tried to get him to give it back. But then he didn't listen and he deserved it. 

So Charles had to punish him.

Well, according to Charles it wasn't a punishment. Because Alexander  _ enjoyed  _ it. Charles said he did. 

"I asked for it. I gave consent." He  _ did _ . Charles almost always forced him to consent. Verbally, that is. 

"Your Honor, I'd like to rewind to a certain point." Julia put it back to around 32 seconds in.

It showed Charles whispering in his ear, holding him tightly by his cheeks and squishing his mouth. None of them could hear what he was saying, but Alexander knew it was  _ 'Say yes. Say you want to.'  _ Alexander winced.  _ 'Say it. C'mon, Lexi.' _ . He heard his own voice choke out a sob and  _ 'Yes, I want it. I want you, Charlie.'  _ "Yes! Yes, um-" For a moment he was back in that room and he was being held up- But as he returned, he cleared his throat. He anxiously bounced his knee and looked up at Julia. 

"When Mr. Lee does that to you, how do you feel?"

"Does what?"

"Apologies. When Mr. Lee hurts you and asks you to consent. How do you feel?"

"He-He's not hurting me. I consented to all of it."

"Fasting forward, Mr. Hamilton, it is seen that you're crying and asking him to stop. Giving verbal disapproval and saying 'No'. Did you  _ want _ to engage in sexual intercourse with Mr. Lee?"

"Yes, yes. I did. That's taken out of context- I consented at the start but we- We always do that." He took a breath. This was  _ humiliating.  _ "I led him on- I started the advances but- we set up a system. I can say whatever I want while it's... happening. But I genuinely mean what I say in the beginning. And I consented. I said yes. I- I asked for it! I begged. So it's fine and this is all taken out of context."

"What about this video? Your Honor, Exhibit 3046."

"We already  _ established  _ that it's not like he raped me. Why are we watching this?" Alexander asked, squeezing his leg tightly in an attempt to calm himself down.

"Mr. Hamilton, please."

He relaxed, albeit begrudgingly. Charles looked as frustrated as him, but also slightly proud. He was doing well? 

At this point, seeing these videos and knowing that his father had likely viewed them and John and- Did they all? It was in the evidence so did that mean- Who even leaked them? How'd they get them?

"In this video, you didn't consent in the beginning. You were asleep."

Asleep? He didn't remember any times like that- Well, of course, he didn't remember. He cringed at the thought of that, not bothering to glance at anyone and instead looking down at his hands. "I consented beforehand." He mumbled. No, he hadn't. When was this?

"Mr. Hamilton-"

"I'm not lying. I did. I consented to all of this. There's no point looking at more videos."

Charles' lawyer stood with a sigh, looking Alexander in the eye intimidatingly. "Mr. Hamilton, are you scared of my client?"

He stopped. Was he? Honestly... When he looked at Charles and saw his hard look, he knew the answer.  _ Yes, I am.  _ "... No. I'm not."

"Isn't it true that Charles cheated on you? And that you yelled at him, extremely angry?"

"I- Yes."

"And is it also true that you  _ cheated _ on Mr. Lee with-"  _ Shit.  _ "John Laurens?"

He glanced at Charles. "Yes."

"How long were you having an affair with Mr. Laurens?"  _ Affair.  _ That sounded odd. Looking at John in the crowd, he didn't think that fit the situation correctly. John looked weirdly guilty. He had the entire time. And since Alexander had seen his testimony the other night, he knew why.

"For a while. A couple of months, I guess." Charles knew that since yesterday. But he still looked angry when Alexander gauged his reaction. Beyond angry. For a second Alexander could picture him storming up to him- despite the restraints- and punching him right there, forcing him to his __ knees and belittling him in front of everyone.  _ "Slut"  _ He could hear him hiss.  _ "Ungrateful whore." _

"So why is it that when you found out Charles cheated once, you  _ hit  _ him?"

He hit him. And now everyone knew. Maybe now they'd drop the case. Realize he was lying and manipulative and- "I was mad. I regret it, but-" He stopped himself. No point in defending what he did.

"Perhaps there's something we're not seeing. That my client was not the only one at fault. Maybe Mr. Hamilton also had  _ fits _ ." 

He didn't, though. He'd hit him once- That was bad too. Maybe he was just as bad.

"Objection, Your Honor. Speculation."

The judge considered for a moment, "Overruled."

Julia sat back down with a heavy sigh.

"Mr. Hamilton, would you agree that you chased certain behaviors out of Mr. Lee?" 

"I... Yes." Did he? He'd grown up thinking that was normal, that was love. So maybe... Maybe every time he'd yelled back he was trying to egg Charles on.

As he was finally relieved, he composed himself with a single breath, sitting back down and looking pointedly at the wall in front of him when George tried to explain himself.

He didn't want to hear their explanations. There were  _ none _ . They went behind his back. They ruined everything. He looked to where Charles was, and he was currently staring at Alexander with a complex look. Alexander couldn't tell if he was mad or relieved that Alexander had testified for him, but either way, the breath rushed out of him. Their eyes locked intensely, and Alexander saw what he was saying. He was what he was saying and both hated it and used it to console himself. 

' _ I love you _ ', his eyes said. He tried his hardest to affirm he did as well, but Charles had already turned back around. He felt another pair of eyes on him, turning quickly and seeing Lafayette with pursed lips and narrowed eyes. As soon as they made eye contact, they looked away. 

Alexander swallowed. Nobody would meet his eye. Not his father, Lafayette, John,  _ his boyfriend...  _ He couldn't please anyone.

Right when the court was closed, he walked as fast as he could to the bathroom. Everyone was staring at him. They all knew. He was such a slut. How was he supposed to look them in the eye? Locking the stall behind him, he could barely hear the sounds of people coming after him.

He clenched his eyes shut, voices pounding in on him like punches and not enough room in this  _ damn  _ stall for all of them. "Leave me alone- Please. Just-" He started to hyperventilate, opening his eyes and seeing the dark walls of Charles' closet. And Charles was pounding on the door and demanding he be let in. "No-  _ No." _

The door opened and he tried to make himself smaller, holding his hands up to protect his face and begging to left  _ alone _ . They all needed to leave him  _ alone _ . 

"Please. Don't. 'm sorry-"

He smelt the signature stench of cleaning products, but also a lack of Charles' earthy cologne. There was a slight smell of cinnamon, like  _ Lafayette _ . 

"Laf- Help me. Please-" His eyes were open and he  _ knew  _ that he was seeing Lafayette, but everything that touched him felt like fire. Lafayette held their hands up in front of him, whispering quiet assurances.

"Oh, Alexandre. Count with me. 1... 2... 3... 4... Breathe, mon petit lion. Oh, my poor Alexander." Alexander came down, rushing forward and burying his head in Lafayette's chest- Too scared to show his face.

"I can't do this, Laf. I can't lose him." He whimpered, fisting his hands in Lafayette's shirt.

"Alexander, you are more than just him. You're going to make it through this. I will make sure of it. I'm so sorry, Alexander."

The next two days, Alexander was barely breathing. He'd stopped going to court the next two days, considering it was all of his friends' testimonies and he didn't think he could handle it anymore. He spent both days laying in his bed, thinking. He couldn't do this. He couldn't.

He came on the last day, eager. Everyone was holding their breath. Most were  _ sure  _ that Charles would win. In domestic violence cases, they were what felt like constantly too difficult to win. 

"Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict?" The judge asked, hushing the whispers of the crowd. Alexander bit his lip in anticipation. He was standing as close as he could to Charles, which wasn't as much as he'd like.

"Yes, your Honor, we have."

"Alright. Members of the jury, on the Case of Washington vs. Lee, what do you say?"

"Your Honor, the members of this jury find the defendant guilty for Rape and Domestic Violence." All of the air left Alexander's lungs. The past few days he felt like he wasn't real, but at that moment he  _ swore  _ that he wasn't. He wasn't the same person that was shaking as there were sighs and gasps and a hand- A hand was grabbing at his arm. Reynolds. 

" _ Look. _ " He snapped, gesturing to Charles.

"Wait, where-  _ Charlie." _ He felt lost as everyone moved around. "I need to talk to him-"

"You  _ can't.  _ Focus, Hamilton." King snapped. Charles was being led away, but he could see him trying to say something. "Did you get that?"

"No. D-Did you?"

" _ No. _ But _ great _ job. You just fucked up his whole life."

"I didn't want to. I never  _ wanted-" _

"Yet, here we are." King scoffed and walked out. Reynolds remained for another moment. He looked down at the shivering boy.

"Hamilton, you need to calm down. You freaking out won't get Lee out." In a strange moment of compassion, Reynolds placed a hand on Alexander's shoulder. Alexander winced, and it was taken away a second later. Reynolds followed King out with a sigh. 

And Alexander was alone. The only one left in the courtroom.

How the  _ hell _ had he gotten here.

Charles was allowed visitors when he settled in. Alexander didn't go home, waiting outside of the county jail patiently. He had to see him. He had to know what Charles was saying. He had to get him  _ out.  _

"Sir, are you alright?" Someone sat next to him, a woman around his age. 

"Oh- Yeah. I'm good. And you?

"I don't think you are." She replied, rather than answering. He turned to look at her. She had dyed dark pink hair, dark brown. "Why are you here alone? And you've been here for like an hour or two." An hour or two? It felt like much less.

"My boyfriend."

She chuckled. "Wow. Okay. What's he in for?"

He bit his lip, wincing. "Well, domestic violence and rape. But- He's not like that. They weren't-"

"Okay, kid." She didn't give him a pitiful look, simply pulled out two cigarettes and offered him one. He'd never smoked actual cigarettes. But he couldn't deny that they sounded tempting. He took one and let her light it, taking a breath and coughing about two seconds after. She laughed again. "You can go in now, probably."

He nodded, but his feet didn't wanna move. "I don't know if I want to."

She nodded. "I get that. My husband was arrested for the same things.  _ Ex- _ husband. I went through the same thing as you. You think you're in love and that everything he did is  _ fine _ because he loves you. Right?"

"Yeah." He mumbled, taking another drag and finding it much easier this time.

"Well you're wrong. He doesn't love you. He likes the control he has. The same one you're giving him."

"He loves me-"

"Yeah, I know. I hope you get better, kid. You seem sweet."

"I don't need to get better." He muttered, drawing his knees up to his chest and shivering.

She glanced at him and then back at the empty parking lot. "You  _ do _ . And you need to eat." A granola bar was shoved into his face. "Eat it."

He shook his head. "I'm alright."

"Please, kid. Take it. My hand's getting tired."

He giggled quietly, accepting it and unwrapping it slowly. He stared at it. It seemed like a threat. Like he was giving in. But she wasn't watching him. Nobody was. So he took the first bite and he felt pain in his stomach for a moment, before it settled and he felt  _ relief.  _ He finished it faster than he'd like to admit. She hadn't looked at him again until he finished.

"You don't think this is right. You think they all intruded on something.  _ Love. _ " She sighed. "They didn't. One day you'll see that. Until then, stay safe." With that, the woman left him on the bench. He almost wanted to thank her, ask for her number or her name. But she was gone too fast.

With that, he walked inside the building.

"Charlie." He mumbled into the phone. He looked across the glass at Charles. He was in the orange jumpsuit and everything, staring back at him with the same odd look from before.

"Lexi... So. John and you for a while then, huh?"

He went silent. "Charlie-"

"Don't. You know that he won't touch you  _ again.  _ Nobody will. You're damaged. Broken. Who's gonna wanna do things with  _ you? _ I would. I was the only person left. But now we're over.  _ Done.  _ So who's gonna love you now?" Charles sounded broken, but his words still hit Alexander exactly where it hurt. He still made him feel  _ so  _ small.

"Over?"

"Over," Charles confirmed again. "You're gonna be alone for the rest of your life, Alexander. You're never gonna get anyone to want to be near you again." He placed the phone down and walked to the officers, letting himself be lead away. Alexander winced.

He was wrong. Someone would have him. They had to. Someone had to.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im BACK  
> school starts in 9 days so imma try n get at least one more chapter out before then!!!!  
> uhhh i hate ppl rn like?? everyone is so selfish someone tell them stfu  
> that made no sense ok anyways  
> TW/// rape mention, implied self-harm, mental hopsital mention, abuse mentions

"I just don't know what to do..." Alexander could hear them mumbling in the kitchen. They didn't know he'd come home. He'd been going on walks more frequently lately, forced to stay around with his family for another week or so. Until everything was settled, they said. Settled... He didn't know what that meant to them. "I don't think I can help. I don't think anything we do is going to help..."

"But what else do we  _ do,  _ George? We're doing the best we can... All that matters is that we're here for him." What did they want him to do? Be happy with what they caused? They destroyed the one person who loved him. 

"Where is he now?" George sounded exhausted, and when Alexander glanced into the kitchen he saw his father pinching his nose. "Martha? Do we- Crap!" He looked panicked suddenly, shooting out of his chair and grabbing his phone.

"Hey," Martha gently grabbed his wrist, pulling his hands away. "Calm down..."

With that, the redhead decided it was time to let them know he was there. "Hey, guys." He greeted, before walking past them. 

"Hey, wait!" Martha called. He closed his eyes, turning back around and looking at them for what they wanted. "Can we talk?" 

"I don't really want to." He replied honestly.

"Please?" She asked finally. Her eyes were sad and begging.

"Fine." Conceding, he plopped down in the chair next to George. "What?"

They didn't speak for a moment, looking at each other and having a nonverbal conversation while he rose an eyebrow impatiently. 

"Alexander... We need to talk. We can't do this if you're ignoring us and hiding in your room." George wasn't speaking, sitting quietly and staring at the table.

"Talk?" Alexander scoffed. "Fine. I know what you want me to say. I'm  _ fine _ . And I  _ totally _ am so glad that my entire three-year relationship was ruined." He didn't feel like calming down, his thought swirling around in his brain and panic pouring out of his mouth. "I really love being treated like a child. I really love having no freedom and being watched like in about two seconds I'll break! I love how wonderful this entire situation is."

He panted when he finished, hugging his knees to his chest and narrowing his eyes at them. "Was that enough talking? Because if it was satisfactory- I'd like to go to my room." They didn't answer again, their gazes beginning to drive holes into his skull. "Whatever, I'm going."

"Alexander." Martha sighed, finally talking as he walked away. "I hope you know. We love you. We only want you to be happy."

He swallowed his frustration down at her broken tone. "Yeah. Sure." He whispered. With that, he stomped up the stairs and shut the bedroom door behind him. He crumpled against the door, curling up against it and staring at the floor.

He was  _ ruining  _ them. 

Two weeks later, and he'd gone back to school. Everything was odd.

People stared at him oddly, likely thinking he was weak or  _ stupid  _ or damaged. He hated the pity in their eyes, looking at him like he was lower than them. His teachers tried to make the work easier for him, and he  _ hated  _ that too. Nothing was the same.

John hadn't made a move on him, Alexander noticed. He thought that John would once he and Charles were over. But he didn't. He still held him when he wanted to be held, came by a lot and watched movies late into the night with him- And a lot more couple things that Alexander hadn't even done with Charles. 

He understood, to a point. But at the same time- He couldn't help but wonder if it were because John saw the true him. The one in those videos. And maybe he decided that it was too much. He knew he wasn't the easiest. But for a while... He thought John was willing to deal with him.

All of his frustrations were bubbling up to the surface, overpowering every other emotion, and stretching his patience to a thin line. He felt it get closer and closer to snapping  _ every second _ . He needed something. He didn't know what. All he knew was that he felt both numb and disastrously angry at the same time. And he didn't know  _ how,  _ just that he did.

He wanted to feel something, and that need became larger and large with each passing day. He could feel his resolve and  _ sanity _ fading, feeling too much like a caged bird. Everyone around him seemed to be looking over him like he was a child who couldn't take care of himself. 

Everyday was planned to a T. Hour to hour, minute to minute. He was forced to see someone about his 'situation'. Most meals were monitored to make sure he ate them. His friends would try and get him to spend time with them, hanging out or studying while the silently observed him. Other than that, he would work. Work and work and work. He was stressed, tired, and  _ bored.  _

He needed something spontaneous. And while he laid there in his bed, with no more work to do and no one else awake to speak to- All he could think of was  _ nobody else will ever love him again.  _ Charles said it and no one had even done anything past  _ hug  _ him. It was like he repelled  _ everyone _ .

He first  _ noticed  _ it when he was sitting in class a few days later. He stared at the board, and looking down he could see a hand moving and writing his notes. But it didn't  _ feel  _ like it was him. He almost felt like he was floating somewhere distant from his actual self. He stared at his hand for a few seconds. It didn't feel like it belonged to him. 

It was hard to describe it... But it seemed his  _ entire _ body was swollen. Or just numb. Something was wrong.

He didn't realize he'd ignored the dismissal of the teacher until a hand was on his shoulder. It shocked him out of his daze, his head moving fast to face the intruder but his brain lagging. "Alex? Are you alright? Class ended a few minutes ago." Eliza was staring down at him, biting her lip nervously.

"Yeah... Yeah, I'm good. I just felt a little dizzy." He did feel dizzy. But he couldn't shake the numbness around him either.

"Is that all?" She cocked her eyebrow at him, in that same motherly way she always did.

"Of course." He stood up slowly from his chair, dragging his eyes away from Eliza's worrying ones. "I have to go."

Before he could walk away, she lightly grasped his wrist. "Wait-" He flinched and yanked his arm away. "Shit, sorry Alex. I just... Are you sure you're alright?"

"No, it's my bad. I'm sorry. Sorry. But I'm good. Sorry." He winced at his stammering and walked away as fast as he could. He didn't glance behind him, because he couldn't look at her pitiful eyes for another second. He noticed people staring at him, and he must've spaced out, because what seemed like a second later- He was back at his dorm. Burr wasn't there, so he didn't bother trying to cover it up when he suddenly sobbed and felt teardrops on his shirt with each painful noise torn out of his throat. Before he comprehended his movements, he was picking up his phone and texting someone.

His breathing began to speed up as his body shook violently, trembling uncontrollably. His head screamed at him to breathe, to calm down, to  _ stop  _ shaking but for some reason he  _ couldn't.  _

He threw his phone across the room in frustration, hearing it ring directly after. He didn't even remember who he'd texted, his fingers had simply moved on autopilot. Whoever it was, he hoped they didn't come. Oddly, as he'd just texted them for help- But he didn't  _ want _ them to see him like this. 

With everything that had happened in the past few weeks, he couldn't use one more reason for everyone to think of him as weak. He'd been trying so hard to stay strong but it was getting too difficult. Everything  _ sucked.  _ There wasn't one good thing happening in his life.

Eventually, his breathing calmed down and he wasn't shaking but all he could do was  _ sit  _ there and stare at the wall in front of him. He could hear Charles' voice in his head. Telling him to  _ "stop crying" _ and to stop being  _ so "ungrateful, such a brat."  _ He felt Charles' hands wrapped tightly around his wrists, bruising and  _ hurting _ . Charles was everywhere, inescapable. Before he knew it, he was pleading for Charles to leave him alone and to  _ stop  _ hurting him- But it wouldn't stop.

His vision was blacking out on the edges, and he was back in Charles' dorm- On the floor and curled up on his side. People were standing all around him, staring at him as he coughed up red. Nobody was helping him. They all just  _ stared _ and why was  _ nobody helping him? _

He hadn't even noticed, but out of nowhere hands were prying his nails out of his skin, and a hushed voice was whispering calm reassurances. He couldn't make out what the person was saying, and all he could do was  _ scream _ to get away from him. He didn't want them to go  _ near  _ him. The hands retreated and the voice quieted, but he found it easier to focus as a small tapping noise filled his ears. A steady beat, the sound of fingers against wood.

"Hey, Lex. Are you back with me? You're in your dorm. With me, John. Can you open your eyes?" He hadn't even noticed they were closed. His mouth was shut tightly, lips sealed. He looked up at John fearfully, his body still curled in protectively. But there seemed to be no threat, John's eyes gentle and caring. Worried. 

He was here to help. Before he could stop himself, the redhead was surging forward and hugging him, muttering apologies into his shoulder while the other boy gently stroked his hair.

"Hey, don't be sorry. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. I just- I didn't feel well." He pulled away, sniffling and avoiding eye contact.

"Do you want to watch a movie? We can watch Hercules again, if you want."

Alexander didn't have it in him to smile, but he let out a small chuckle and nodded. "Can you stand?" He tried, but it felt like his entire body wasn't under his control. It wasn't his own. Shaking his head pathetically, he felt John slide his hands under his arms to gently pull him up. "That's okay, I got you."

"Thank you." He whispered. He settled into his bed, John looking slightly apprehensive as he stood next to him before Alexander tugged him forward to lay next to him. He barely lasted a second before he fell asleep.

John was seconds from falling asleep, his arm wrapped around  _ Alexander _ , who was leaning on his chest and breathing softly. He couldn't help but grin, and his eyes were slowly slipping shut when suddenly Alexander gasped, sounding strangled. He didn't seem to be hyperventilating, only in slight shock and seemingly confused.

"What's wrong?" John pulled away, thinking it would be too much but then the other boy held him in place.

"Nothing... Just had a nightmare."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"... Not right now, if that's okay." 

John didn't respond, instead nodding and gently and slowly taking Alexander's hand.

"Hey, John?" They were in Alexander's dorm. It was a little past 4 A.M. and John was watching a movie with him, after having woken up again. John had his arm wrapped around Alexander's shoulders while the shorter leaned onto him. John hummed in response, glancing down at him with concern. Deciding against words, Alexander leaned up and kissed him.

John's reaction wasn't immediate, hesitating before he gently reciprocated. Alexander must've been waiting for that, because he moved so that he was sitting up next to him- Their lips interlocked and their eyes clenched shut. He felt a small amount of panic somewhere in him. It was a twisting feeling of discomfort- But he didn't want to _stop._ He tried his hardest to push it down, to shove it deep because he wanted to be _normal_ and he didn't want to feel like this anymore. And everytime he felt John hesitating he would push harder because when he was doing _this_ there was a numbness, no thoughts and no feelings- But slowly and slowly that discomfort was building until it was a burning feeling behind his eyes and his skin almost felt like it was crawling. John pulled away, and Alexander could tell he sensed something was wrong.

Alexander guiltily bit his lip- ' _You ruined it. You could've sucked it up and kept going but-'._ "I'm sorry." The words spilled out of his mouth and he held his breath waiting for a response.

"Oh." John was staring at him, his eyes wide and his breath panting. "I- _Shit._ I'm the one who needs to say sorry! I should've noticed, Lexi... You're not ready to do this, Alex."

"Yes! I am. Please." Alexander grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "I am."

"It's only been a few weeks Lex, I feel like we shouldn't."

Alexander furrowed his eyebrows and groaned in frustration. "Why? Is it because you think I'm... Damaged goods or something?" John shook his head, but Alexander was still going. He jumped to his feet, pacing and shoving his hands in his hair. "Am I too broken? Or disgusting? Because I know Charles showed you the videos, a  _ while  _ ago. But you never told me. Never  _ warned _ me that my own boyfriend was taking videos and showing  _ other people _ of times where he ra-" He stopped. Before a lie slipped through.

"Where he... Raped you?" John spoke softly, looking at him from the bed.

"No, he didn't. I slipped up. He didn't. I-" Alexander cringed. "I didn't mean to  _ say  _ that. Everyone's just  _ getting in my head. _ " He hissed, grabbing his hair tightly and pulling out of frustration. "And all I can hear and  _ see _ is all of you and your  _ stupid _ pity! I can't  _ take _ it anymore!" His voice turned to a whimper, and he glanced back up at John nervously. 

"Alex, it's not pity-"

"But it is!" Alexander laughed humorlessly. "It  _ is.  _ It never stops! It's you guys and my parents and everyone in the halls! Everyone thinks I'm weak or broken or a  _ victim! _ I'm  _ not. _ " He looked up again and John still wasn't speaking, observing him silently. From the lack of an answer, he felt his mouth moving on its own. "I'm  _ not _ weak or a victim- But I feel like everyone thinks I'm so damaged and broken- And I just  _ can't  _ take it anymore. And I'm not even in control of myself anymore!" He was rambling at this point. "Everything is moving around me so fast and I'm lagging and I can barely even control my own movements because I'm so  _ lost.  _ I haven't been in my body for weeks but I have to keep acting like everything's fine and perfect because otherwise I'll be shipped off to a  _ fucking  _ mental hospital in a second!"

He gasped for breath once he finished, not having noticed that he wasn't breathing. "Can you  _ say  _ something?" 

"There's nothing to say. You should've  _ told _ us, Lex."

"Told you? What, so I could talk to another  _ helper?" _

"Maybe? Or so we could know and so you wouldn't have to bottle it all up! I would've talked to you about it. I'm with you, Lex. We all are."

"Sure. Because last I remembered it was everyone I thought to be on my side completely  _ ruining  _ my life and putting my boyfriend in  _ jail!" _

"Because he was  _ abusing _ you, Lex! We had to."

"You didn't, though! I was handling it. His anger came out like that maybe once a month. Sometimes  _ less! _ And I was dealing with it. I had everything under control and now I'm not in control of anything!"

"So what do you  _ want _ , Alex? Do you want us to get him out of jail so he can hurt you again? To leave you to your own devices until you-" John's mouth snapped shut, his face bright with frustration but his eyes wide.

"Until I  _ what _ ? Off myself?"

"No, Lex." John sighed, closing his eyes. "I just- What do you want to do?"

"I want  _ control.  _ And I want things back to  _ normal!  _ I want to be treated like an adult and not a child."

"How?"

"I- Not observing every time I eat and not having to have someone chaperoning me all hours! Even when I  _ sleep!  _ And being able to date and go out and just move on as if my entire personal life wasn't just projected onto headlines and spread around the school like  _ gossip. _ "

"Alex, dating and going out and-  _ Whatever _ isn't going to make you feel better. As much as you want to act like you're completely fine, you're not. And a boyfriend or a party isn't going to cure that. You could go back to how you were before but you won't magically be happy again. You won't feel normal again. That can't be rushed. You need help. Even if it's just opening up in a journal or to your parents or- You  _ need  _ it."

Alexander couldn't quite think of what to say. "I'm not crazy..." He muttered.

"I know that. We  _ all _ know that. But you're not happy."

Stunned into silence, he simply stood where he was and wrapped his arms around himself. After a few moments, John glanced at him for permission before embracing him tightly. 

He honestly didn't remember the last time he was _really_ happy. When he felt safe, not having to glance over his shoulder or flinch or-

He wasn't happy.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ TW   
> IM BACK OMG- im so sorry yall  
> school is way more overwhelming than i remember  
> im still at that part where ur sleep schedule is decent bc theres not a lotta work  
> but im sad rn so i wrote : )))  
> anyways!!   
> TW/// talks of suicide, slight self harm, rape, abuse, pstd, eating disorder, dissociation!!!!!, therapy  
> plz lmk if theres anything i left out!!!

Logically, this was  _ not _ a valid coping mechanism. Except as he felt the sting of his eyes and the throbbing in his head, it felt right. A similar feeling settled over him at the weariness and dread that increased the longer his fingers tapped and  _ tapped _ along the keyboard. He didn't quite know what he was typing, just that it was distracting. Every second that he stopped he felt like he was drowning, everything around him numb but somehow a distant pain all over. He could hear whispers in his ear, harsh and true. The feeling of a cold knife traced across his cheek, threatening to be pressed harder with each passing second. 

He could hide it well, too. He'd always worked harder than he should've, without any breaks and not quite taking care of himself. It blended with how he normally was well enough that he didn't have to deal with intervention as in the past. He almost felt as if he was screaming but it was quiet enough to be muffled by the noise of  _ everything _ else.

Alexander didn't see much of his friends, or of anyone really. He was skipping his therapy sessions, adamant that they were useless and determined to  _ never stop working, never start thinking.  _ All they wanted to do was think and realize and recover but he  _ couldn't _ . He'd gone to a few sessions. He hadn't spoken much. His new therapist's name was Rue and although she seemed very nice, he knew he didn't deserve the help she was offering. He didn't deserve any help. 

The few times he saw his friends were tense, awkward. He wondered if it was because they knew everything he'd done, let happen to him- how ruined, toxic,  _ horrible _ he was. 

He wouldn't admit it, but sometimes as he looked at their faces and saw their expressions of something akin to fear- suddenly there would be Charles staring back at him instead. If he was tired enough, he would begin to feel him coming closer and grabbing his wrist and-

He didn't want to go out much.

For some reason, his head was still convinced that eventually, Charles would come back to him and everything would go back to normal and his life would be fine again.  _ He knew it was a false reality. _

"Didn't you already write that essay?" Burr questioned, looking at him from across their dorm. There was a twinge of concern mixed into his voice as his eyes scanned the boy in front of him. "Have you eaten yet?"

Alexander didn't respond, nodding as quickly as possible and typing furiously.  _ Keep working, don't think, keep working. _

"Alexander." Burr's voice was adamant, demanding an answer and Alexander's head snapped over in fear. Apologies were threatening to spill out from behind his lips, his hands darting away from the keyboard _ \- Stop working, Alexander. Do I always have to babysit you? God can't you stop being such a fucking- _ "Hey, I'm not mad. Are you alright?"

He felt his head move up and down on its own demand, but he was watching it from far, far away. 

"You need to drink something. And eat something. A snack at least. Take a  _ break. _ " 

His mouth opened, and he responded but he could just barely make out his own words. "I can't." Burr was looking at him concerned then, so he forced himself to turn back around and start typing again and  _ ignore, ignore, ignore. _

For a moment he thought he was fine and that he would be left alone but then Burr was pulling his fingers away from the keys gently, cautiously. In a split second, he'd blinked and he was facing Burr again. "Alex, please. Can you just drink a glass of water?"

Alexander glanced at his work and at Burr and all of a sudden he felt like crying. He didn't notice until it was too late, and he'd broken down and he was sobbing and Burr was holding him tight to his chest. 

He didn't know that he fell asleep but then he woke up many hours later in his bed, the dorm empty. Looking back, he hadn't realized how exhausted he was. His phone was buzzing and he wearily grabbed it, glancing at the screen and seeing  _ 'jonathan'  _ displayed. He bit his lip as he considered whether or not to answer, but ultimately pressed accept and muttered a quiet greeting.

"Hey, are you alright? Burr told me to call you. Have you not been eating or drinking? Or  _ sleeping? _ Again?" 

Alexander chewed his lip nervously at the disappointed tone in John's voice, "I have. I was just working. Classes, I fell behind. From those weeks."

John sighed. "I'm coming over. You don't need to get ready or anything."

"No- You don't have to. I was working. I have to do-"

"Didn't your teachers tell you that you could have any extra couple days if you needed them? And if you  _ really _ need to we can do work. But I'm coming over."

Not willing to argue at the point, Alexander simply mumbled "Okay." And let John hang up, not bothering to get up.

_ Always such an inconvenience. Will you always need people to take care of you? Why can't you just handle yourself? Such a burden. _

It hadn't felt like even a minute, but suddenly he snapped out of a daze and back into reality to the sight of curly hair and freckles.  _ So many freckles. _ "Alex? Are you alright? You seemed..." John didn't finish his sentence, his lips suddenly locked tight.

"Yeah, sorry. I spaced out." John nodded, moving aside and exposing Alexander to a towel spread out on his floor with a tub of chicken noodle soup and a large gallon water bottle, a few cups, and plastic bowls set to the side. "I can't." Alexander shook his head, guiltily looking away from John and sitting up. 

John didn't respond right away, sitting next to him and holding his hand apprehensively. Alexander didn't flinch, but he also didn't turn to face him. It wasn't until John gently tapped his shoulder that he finally looked into dark brown eyes. "Can you at least sit with me?" 

Hesitantly, the other nodded in response and they both sat across from each other on the floor. Alexander didn't move for a few moments, simply watching John pick up his food and start to eat. Around his food, and slightly gross but almost strangely comforting, he started to talk. "So, did you hear about what happened at John A's party?" 

Before he knew it, half of his bowl that he'd eventually prepared was eaten. He hadn't noticed until John's phone had begun to ring. At first, John ignored it but then it started to call again and Alexander insisted distractedly that he go take it. With John gone, the dorm was empty again and he could finally  _ feel _ the gravity of his thoughts. He suddenly felt cold and the food in front of him was staring back and somehow taunting him. In that same voice that had invaded his thoughts for the past two years, harsh and cold and  _ angry. _

"Sorry about that. Laf called- Hey, what's wrong?" John kneeled in front of him. Alexander hadn't noticed it until then, but tears were dripping slowly onto the floor in front of him and his shaking hands were held in front of him and he felt  _ miles away why did he feel miles away _ \- John didn't speak. He simply moved the food to the side, out of Alexander's vision, and gently embraced him. So softly, almost like a whisper. The quietness that Alexander needed because of the  _ screaming _ in his head.

"I'm sorry." Alexander's voice cracked as he muttered that, and John only shook his head against his shoulder. Alexander felt the other pulling away, and in a panic wrapped his arms tightly around John's shoulders. Suddenly sobs were wracking his body. "I can't do it. I can't do  _ this _ , John. I keep hearing him and I can't stop thinking about him. I don't know what to  _ do _ anymore. I'm just so  _ sad _ and I can't feel sad like this anymore. I don't know what I'll do-" The redhead broke himself off with a sniffle. His voice felt inappropriately silent when compared to the  _ harsh, loud _ reality he was speaking into existence.

John truly didn't know what to say. Was there ever a right thing to say?  _ 'I don't know what I'll do' _ . John could feel the truth buried beneath that. Alexander knew what he'd do. But he couldn't say it, couldn't admit it. There's time then, John thought. Time to  _ save _ him and time to  _ help _ and- he needed to do something. But every time he opened his mouth, nothing came out. He didn't know what to say.

Alexander cherished the feeling of arms wrapped gently around him, but at the bleak silence following his words, he felt himself pull away.  _ Too much, too much. _ He shouldn't pour himself onto others. He was his own problem. "I'm sorry." He forced a laugh out. This wasn't serious. This wasn't final. He was fine. "That was so- God, sorry. I'm fine. You don't have to stay here. I'll clean." With that, he looked away from John and began to pick up the bowls and the plastic forks and- John loosely grasped his wrist and stopped him.

"I don't know how to help you. How to... You're so important Alex. I know that you won't believe me. But-" John took a shallow breath. "I love you. We all love you. You're so  _ loved _ and you can't leave us. You have  _ so _ much to accomplish, so much coming for you after  _ him, _ " John spat. "You're gonna make something big of yourself, Alex. And everyone else is way too small to stop you. The idea of the world losing you... It's too much."

"But I feel like I'm..." Alexander bit his tongue, looking up at him and then just as quickly darting his eyes to the ground. He breathed out shakily. "I don't feel like I'm  _ me _ anymore. And I don't know how to describe it, because I'm horrified there'll never be  _ any _ words describing what I'm feeling right now but I feel like I'm not me. I'm separate from myself, from everything I'm experiencing and feeling because then maybe I won't just be what he did to me. Because right now? I'm not my achievements or my scholarship or- I'm just Charles' victim to everyone. To  _ myself.  _ I don't remember me before him and I don't think I can  _ exist _ after him. Without him. He  _ completes-  _ completed me. Now he's gone and I'm broken."

He gasped for air once finished, but at John's lack of reply, he found himself continuing. "Have you ever stared at your hand, or stared at yourself and not recognized it as your own? Felt like it was swelling up, twisting right in front of your eyes but it wasn't  _ yours? _ Or that everything around you was swelling up and growing,  _ growing _ until it's all too big. Too much to contain. I can't- I can't stop feeling like I'm not mine. I'm Charles'. And he doesn't even  _ want _ me anymore so really- What's the point?"

"You're you. You're  _ yours _ . And nobody else's. Charles never owned you,  _ ever.  _ And look at yourself. He might be gone but  _ you're still here _ ."

Alexander was silent for a few moments, staring blankly at the floor and barely moving. So still that John thought he might be gone. "Do you remember what you said the other night?" He didn't look up to see John's confirmation or not, because he knew he did. "Because you were right. I realized that I'm  _ not _ happy." He swallowed, wrapping his arms around his shins and pulling his legs up to his chest, resting his chin on his knees. His eyes were still blankly trained on that one spot on the ground. "I don't think I'll ever be."

Silence, powerful and full of emotion, filled the room. Neither party was breathing, too stunned to silence by the raw confirmation of what they both knew. There was no guarantee Alexander would ever recover. Ever feel happy, content. Ever laugh that same loud laugh or write like he did or talk for  _ hours  _ on end without feeling annoying. There  _ never _ would be a guarantee he'd be back to normal.

But, John realized, maybe that was simply to be accepted. People change, but no matter what Alexander was still, and forever would be, Alexander. He voiced his thoughts, continuing to speak. "You're meant to be different, to change. And maybe it won't feel like what's right but maybe it's how it was meant to happen. And I know that's not a solution because I want you to be happy _so damn_ bad. But you'll always be Alex. You'll always be the same guy I love and my best friend. No matter what. Charles can't take that away from you. It's your story and _yours_ _only_ to control. And you're not only what happened to you. You're that kid in class who _never_ knows when to stop explaining his point, the same one who once stayed up for a solid two weeks before finals week only to end up in the hospital." Alexander chuckled dryly, his head falling forward against John's shoulder. "But you're also someone who survived what Charles did to you. You're _also_ the same person who is stronger than anyone I know. Someone who _had_ to be before most of us even knew what being strong was. What happened to you doesn't have to be _you,_ but it's apart of you. And I _hate_ that it happened. But... it did."

"I don't want to hear him anymore," Alexander's voice was nearly silent. "I love him but I  _ can't _ listen to his voice anymore. Everything he said is just playing on repeat. I can't eat or sleep or write or  _ live _ without him saying something. I'm already too fat or I'm so  _ lazy  _ or I need to be paying attention to him- I can't  _ listen  _ to it anymore. And even when I can’t hear him I can  _ feel  _ him pushing me to the ground and  _ smothering  _ me with- I just want him  _ out.  _ I want him back but I wish I never met him at all."

John wrapped his arms around the other and simply let him sob into his shoulder. He didn't know how to handle this.

It wasn't his idea. And if he was being honest he felt selfish, stupid for even contemplating going. But now he was standing outside of his  _ 'therapist' _ 's office and he couldn't stop shaking. Alexander was in his dorm, suffering and damaged and  _ bruised _ . Meanwhile, John was going to therapy because a few friends expressed concern over his tired eyes and his dropping grades.

He was  _ fine _ , really. Alexander needed help and he couldn't allow anyone else to have attention long enough to allow that- He was such an  _ attention-seeker. Why did everything have to be about him? _

The first session was mostly introductions. Eve, his therapist, asking unnecessary questions about himself and his hobbies and  _ whatever. _ He didn't belong here. 

He was about to leave, a second away from sprinting out and admitting he  _ didn't _ need help. When she finally sensed his restlessness and asked something about his actual issue. 

"Why are you here?"

"A few of my friends said they were 'concerned'," he put air quotes around the word. 

"For?"

"Me, I guess. They said I looked tired and I guess my grades have been falling a little lately."

"But  _ why _ are you here?"

"I just said."

"No, that's not it. A few friends telling you to would never be enough. There was something in you that  _ knew _ you weren't okay. That you needed help. So what?"

He was silent. Until he finally found his words and the real reason he was there. "I'm scared. I think I might lose someone and it's all my fault."

"Lose someone?"

"I think they might... Try something. And if not, I think I made them lose themselves entirely."

"How?"

"I had the opportunity to save them a while ago. I knew they were in danger but I didn't say anything. I kept letting it happen. And now they're not happy and I want to  _ save _ them but I  _ can't _ . I don't want to lose them. But I think I'm going to. I think I did."

"You're right. You can't save them." He narrowed his eyes, about to get defensive when she spoke again. "The only person that can save them is themselves. See, humans tend to want to feel important. Valuable. So we try to save people. It's a savior complex, in shorter terms. But we can't save them. And we end up losing ourselves in the process. And we didn't even end up saving the person we were trying to." 

"But why? If he isn't helping himself then why  _ can't I? _ " 

"We can help. But that's all. As much as we do, in the end, it's  _ him  _ who needs to save himself."


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg... so i had kind of a mess lately but im back!!! sorry abt that guyss  
> its second quarter so ive settled a little more into school and everything, so hopefully more updating!!  
> this isn't my best but i cant find the motivation to write more, sorry :(  
> i love u guyss and writing this story tho!!!  
> TW//  
> \- victimblaming  
> \- mentioned rape/noncon  
> \- ptsd  
> \- hallucinations  
> \- abuse  
> \- domestic abuse  
> \- james reynolds

"Alright," Mr. Morris cleared his throat, "As you all know- today's debate topic is on immigration in the United States. And  _ please _ , don't entirely focus on the border wall. Obviously, it's important, but I'd like more variety." He sent an offhanded glance to Thomas and Alexander, and with that, the prepared teams presented their cases.

It didn't take long for the debate to transform from more of a topic, back and forth, into a proper argument. It was only expected with such a relevant topic. Especially when there were about three opinionated immigrants in that same club. "I'm not saying that  _ all _ immigrants are bad, but we have to pay attention to certain groups of people that are brought in. Especially illegally."

Alexander noticed that everyone speaking directly avoided eye contact with him- almost guiltily. It couldn't just be due to his immigration status, because he noticed the same passion in the opposing team's eyes when they locked with Lafayette's. 

But something was different. When he spoke, they responded well-crafted and argumentatively as usual. But there was a lack of passion or insistence behind their words. 

_ They all know. They all know what you do. They know what happened that night. They can see him holding you down and- they know, they know, they know. _

Far away from his body, watching and hearing and  _ seeing _ but he wasn't there. Somewhere in a corner maybe, crammed and crushed and silenced and  _ invisible. _

Someone nudged at his arm and he could feel it. He swore he could feel the faintest touch, and on instinct, he hurriedly snapped his gaze to whoever it was. Lafayette was staring back at him, their eyes slightly blurry to him but he understood the underlying question.  _ Are you okay? _

He'd heard it enough lately to know.

He nodded quickly in place of an answer. He didn't think he could move his mouth right now. It felt forcefully closed,  _ something _ being held over it and muffling any attempts at speaking. He looked away from the spot on the floor that he'd trained his eyes on, and standing in the corner of the room was  _ Charles _ , with his same smirk and playing eyes. His eyes said something taunting, and in the blink of an eye, Alexander saw himself standing next to Charles. Nearly doubled over and with a tight grip around his neck- He couldn't look anymore but no matter his efforts to look away, his gaze always settled back to Charles. He was getting  _ closer, closer, closer.  _

A cloud settled over him the further along the hour went until he looked away from Charles and saw Lafayette shaking one of his shoulders gently and muttering his name on repeat. 

He hummed, blinking quickly and dazedly. When he glanced back at the corner, Charles was gone. He could speak again.  _ Breathe _ again. "Sorry. Yeah. What?"

"We just finished. A minute ago. You haven't moved in the past 40 minutes. What's wrong?" They were still standing on the debate floor, some of the other carrying on their business and packing up but a few staring openly. Alexander fidgeted under the sharp gazes, pitiful but  _ disgusted.  _ "And don't say nothing. You kept staring in the corner... Are you- like- seeing things, or something? Alex-"

"I'm fine." Alexander snapped. Lafayette's face flashed defensively before it relaxed into worried again. "I just need some sleep. That's all."  _ Sure, that's all. Not like he'd been seeing Charles everywhere he went until anyone he looked at had the  _ same _ dark eyes. _

"You haven't been going to your appointments." Lafayette didn't even ask it, simply a statement. Harshly coming off their tongue and with a look that Alexander couldn't escape.

"Can we not talk about this here." He hissed quietly, their eyes digging holes into his skull.

Lafayette hesitated, "I'm gonna be at Laurens'. If you wanna come." They left the room after that, and Alexander sighed as he went to pick up his belongings. Before Alexander could exit the door, his professor called him over.

"Listen, Hamilton, I'm not saying this because of poor performance or anything but I believe you should take a break. From Debate," Alexander quickly opened his mouth to protest so Mr. Morris continued. "Just the next couple meetings. Due to your... Circumstances, it seems you're not in the state to be debating right now. Again, you did as well as usual, but it seems necessary."

"Sir, I can't. And I'm fine, really. Completely capable of-"

"4 meetings, Alexander. And then feel free."

Swallowing the resistances on the tip of his tongue, he simply nodded and politely thanked him and walked away. He tried to ignore the stares of the people who overheard, but when Thomas approached him he couldn't avoid it. He swooped in the same way he usually did, casually enough that nobody was bothered. Thomas subtly took the notebooks and computer that Alexander had been holding, nudging him with his elbow. "That sucks. If we talk to him I'm sure he'll let you."

"Is there a point? We all saw. Nobody wants to do anything to possibly 'hurt' me even a little bit. They all think I'm fragile. They wouldn't even  _ look  _ at me. Maybe I shouldn't go. I'm just bumming everyone out." Alexander laughed humorlessly, glancing up at Thomas, and seeing the taller boy's eyes trained in front of him. He looked thoughtful, allowing a few moments of silence before he responded.

"I think you should go. I don't know about everyone else, but I'll still argue with you."

"Thanks," Alexander smiled. "But still. Apparently my 'circumstances' make me incapable. So wallowing alone in my dorm is obviously better."

Thomas chuckled, "How do none of them see that  _ you _ would never feel happy doing that? You basically thrive off of constantly moving, thinking, or arguing."

"See, that's what I wish they all understood. They think I need to 'recover' but what they don't realize is that I have to do it in my way. Not theirs. Assuming I need to recover in the first place."  _ Which I don't. Or I do. I can't tell. _ But Alexander didn't mention that part.

"Let's just sneak you in. We'll give you a new identity and everything. Debate won't be the same without you."

"I like that plan. I can't handle not being able to argue with anyone anymore. Well, I can try but they'll probably just let me win."

"I noticed you didn't talk too much today, though. Something up?"

Alexander hesitated, the concern so casually fit into the conversation that he barely even noticed it. "No. I was just tired. Y'know."

"I don't think that's all, but I'll lay off. Hey, the boss was wondering if you wanted your job back. He made sure to make me tell you that if you still need time, that's fine. He says it'll still be yours."

Alexander smiled. He knew Thomas would still take him seriously. "I wanna come back. When can I start?"

"Whenever. Today? I'm working at 4 P.M. if you wanna come in when I do."

"Sounds great." 

They arrived back to Alexander's dorm quicker than usual, probably because Alexander had to  _ run _ to keep up with Thomas' taller self.

Alexander threw himself onto his bed the second he got to his dorm, taking a moment to consider what had just happened. So now not only was he being monitored for so-called 'overworking', but he was also forbidden from doing almost anything outside of his classes.  _ Oh _ ! And even those he was being restricted in.

Before he finally just  _ scream _ into his pillow, Burr had opened the door and plopped down onto his bed.

"You alright, Alexander?" Burr sounded slightly concerned but still chuckled.

There was always  _ some _ concern.

"Yeah. Morris just kicked me out of Debate."

"I heard," Burr mumbled. "I think it was for the best. Although you might not see it."

"I don't even know what to do with myself." Alexander laughed a short laugh. "Every single thing that I can do by myself is getting taken away." He didn't bother looking up at Burr, knowing he was likely biting his lip nervously.

"We're not trying to...  _ Take _ anything from you. But maybe we've been a little blinded in our actions. If you think there's something that can be done better, just tell someone. I'm sure they'll listen."

"Would they? I'm practically a toddler? And all because my boyfriend hit me a few times."

"Alex..."

" _ Fine _ , whatever. Not a few times. Is that what everyone wants me to say? That he (b-insert) me? (R-insert) me?" Alexander was giggling as he rambled until his face dropped. "Call it what you want, I guess. But I don't need to be treated like a child. First, everyone took Charles from me and they're trying to explain that  _ he _ took something from me, but now everyone is just stealing any scraps of a life I had."

"They'll listen. It's your life. It's up to you, in the end."

"Yeah. I guess. Thanks, Burr. I'm gonna take a nap." 

Burr rose an eyebrow, but decided against questioning and turned back to his work. 

Behind him, Alexander stared at the wall next to his bed with furrowed eyebrows. Was this all he was meant to do? It seemed as if he had nothing else. 

"Ready?" Alexander looked up at Thomas after opening the door, quickly nodding in response. He breathed nervously, but walked with the taller one to their job, talking a few times but mainly letting him carry the conversation.

Before he knew it, they arrived and he was looking at the doors with slight fear. Everyone in there  _ knew _ and his boss  _ knew _ and how was he supposed to look them in the eye? He remembered that night, shakily holding his phone to his ear and shortly saying he had to quit and being asked if  _ everything was alright _ and now he knew that he  _ lied. _

But Thomas was concernedly glancing down at him, and Alexander didn't want to leave him waiting. At this point, he couldn't dictate the difference between when people were genuinely staring at him or if it was in his head. He didn't think it even mattered.

"Alexander!" Alexander was startled abruptly out of his thoughts when his boss suddenly shouted his name, with a large grin plastered on his face. Alexander couldn't help but flinch slightly, but thankfully if his boss noticed he didn't comment. "Y'know, Thomas doesn't work as well when you're not here. Glad to see you back."

"Thanks for keeping my position open, it means a lot."

His boss waved him off, "Well, I don't think anyone else will ever work half as hard as you do. You were the only viable option."

Alexander could see something else in his eyes, saying something not quite of pity but of...  _ Something else.  _ "I'm ready to get started right away, so-"

"Of course," his boss laughed. "I'll let Thomas help you get settled back in. I don't think you need the proper introduction?"

He shook his head adamantly, and with that, they were settled back into a nearly identical routine as before, but for some reason, Alexander found himself less nervous. That edge that used to constantly be eating away at his comfort had reduced.

For some reason...

"Yo, Hamilton!" Alex was startled when he heard his name shouted across the courtyard. "Hey! Look at me when I'm talking!" The voice sneered, giggling in a way that told Alexander they weren't in the right mindset.  _ Slurred speech, bruising hands- _ Alexander didn't have the best experience with drunk people. 

"Yes? I have to get home." Alexander turned around sharply, nearly jumping in shock when he realized the man yelling at him was only a foot away. Standing directly in front of him, staring and smirking the same smirk he'd seen so many times...

The man, who he didn't think he could recognize, seemed to enjoy the look of fear plastered onto the smaller's face. He moved closer to Alexander until his breath was warm against his face, dark brown eyes wandering the redhead's form. "You screwed him over, y'know that? Had to call 'abuse'," the man laughed loudly. "God, everything's abuse these days. I've heard about you. And I'm sure whatever he did to you, you deserved. We  _ all _ know you're faking it. And we all know how much of a  _ slut _ you are." 

Alexander remained silent, eyes trained on the ground below him, cold and grey concrete. "Well," the man spoke again after waiting a few moments for Alex to reply. "I know how you can make it up to me. Locking up my boy, right?  _ Using  _ him for what? Money, is that it? We all know where you came from..." Alexander inhaled sharply. "Either way..." And then the guy carded his fingers through Alex's hair roughly. "Let's have some fun, hm?" 

Alexander gasped when his hair was yanked, finally feeling able to move again. "No! No, get off of me!" He tried to pull away, desperately writhing against the stronger hands. Everything blurred, the past and the present blending together in a dizzy way.

Until everything stopped, and he felt the hands removed from him. He heard muffled shouting, but it was nothing over the sound of his panting breaths. "Hey, hey. Hamilton. Ham- Alex!" 

Alexander snapped out of his daze at the sound of his name, glancing up and seeing  _ James Reynolds _ staring down at him with concern. He had a hand extended out to him, and Alex took it cautiously.

"Reynolds, don't tell me you're gonna help him! After what he did to Lee?  _ Really? _ C'mon, he's a fucking whore!" 

Reynolds sighed, turning away from Alexander. "Hey, c'mon. Leave him be. I'll see you tomorrow." With that, Reynolds was leading a shaking Alexander to... He didn't know.

They began to walk in the dark in silence for a few minutes before Alexander couldn't take it. "Why'd you help me?" He finally asked.

Reynolds didn't reply for a moment, simply sighing and kicking a rock in front of him. Alexander was content with that, if not a little confused. But then he spoke, "I feel guilty. I- We... I'm sorry for what we did to you, Hamilton." And Reynolds stopped, turning to face Alex. Alexander stopped as well, looking him in the eye cautiously. "I should've stopped him. I shouldn't have done what I did."

"To me or Maria?"

Reynolds flinched at the question. "Both. Both of you. I'm so fucking sorry to both of you. I remember... Hearing you saying no. Begging and pleading but I- I was so scared to stop. I don't remember  _ why _ I just remember being horrified."

Alexander felt tears gathering, but forced them down with practiced ease. "Yeah," He spat. "I'm sure you were scared."

Reynolds winced, "I deserve that. I don't deserve your pity or forgiveness. But I just wanted you to know. And I wanna help you. I hear what people are saying, and I'm trying my hardest to let them know they're wrong. I swear. And I know I can't do anything to make up for what I did but... I'm trying."

Alexander was speechless. He stood there with his mouth opened wide, and only one thing could come to mind. "Is this just so I don't get you locked up? Is that why you're apologizing?" His voice sounded cold to even his ears. Reynolds finally made eye contact, his eyes apologetic and scared.

"No. I'd deserve it. I just want to help you. That's it." And Alexander didn't know what to say.


End file.
